6

So today I go again for my 6 month scan. Always in the back of my mind that the cancer is recurring and I will hear the news again.

I'm trying to get better. I've started medication #6 for depression. It's helped some ways. I've smiled more according to the people around me. I don't find myself picking at my skin so much anymore. I've been standing up for myself a little bit.
That would be great, if it was real.
People see what they want to see. I still find my smile hideous. I'm closer than I've ever been to falling back into SH. And now I'm told I'm mean now. That hurts the most. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to not be a doormat anymore. Do I think I can be mean? Absolutely. But when I see it, I own it and I apologize. People around me don't understand how hard it is to adjust to different medications and I can't just be normal at the snap of their fingers. I'm trying. I don't know why but I am. If I had it my way, I'd be gone and not trying to do anything

So I’ve noticed those with CPTSD and PTSD often report similar experiences. I hadn’t realized how typical my own were until I read others stories. So I thought I’d make a list of common shared experiences in those with PTSD/CPTSD…

#1 Your abusers and told you the abuse was normal and everyone does it ergo you’re being dramatic.

#2 You blamed yourself without even realizing it. Let’s face it we don’t walk away thinking it’s our fault clear as day. That’s illogical. But we walk away with doubts that eventually dig into our heads while we’re not even paying attention. The next thing we know we think we’re inherently bad and deserving of being treated as such.

#3 You switch back and forth from having sympathy for you’re abuser to believing they’re evil incarnate.

#4 You wonder if you’re too damaged to think for yourself. If you don’t have experience in what’s right then can you know what’s wrong?

#5 You avoid watching any movies or tv shows with extremely painful emotional expressions yet are strangely drawn to them.

#6 You wake up feeling panic and/or anxiety and expecting something terrible to happen to you every day.

#7 You struggle to set necessary boundaries with others because you worry they’ll reject you. Perhaps you feel you’re not worthy of boundaries.

#8 You don’t trust anyone and struggle with emotional intimacy. Perhaps you feel scared everyone is going to hurt you.

#9 You have chronic migraines, irritable bowels, and/or body aches all the time.

#10 You need to be in control of everything at all times so you know what’s up. Even things that to others seems inconsequential.

#PTSD #CPTSD #Trauma #Abuse

Following is the list of the ten things out of many more which my special needs little boy taught me, its been three and half years that hes no longer with me,but still continues to teach me about resilience, hope,miracles and strength. #1 . MIRACLES HAPPEN: I started believing in miracles ,coz I got to see them quite often, the developmentally delayed hypotonic child who couldn't raise his neck at ten months became the wonder boy who would be jumping up and about. #2 . YOUR CHILD BECOMES YOUR BIGGEST STRENGTH: My son showed me courage like a warrior I never knew he could be,he taught me to over power week emotions,made me rational, more logical, made me aware of my inner strength, the harder it got the tougher I became. #3 : BE KIND:One of the best things he taught me was to Always Be Kind, at times he was laughed upon, made fun of, but he would always respond with a smile and would often say Sorry,I've learnt to say Sorry and Thankyou, sometimes a bit too much. #4 :STUBBORNNESS BECOMES YOUR FINE TRAIT :When you are living with a medically complexed child ,and you have all the other issues to deal with also,Stubbornness comes from within, you need to be head strong and stubborn. #5 : YOUR INSTINCT IS ALWAYS CORRECT: Even if it's a teeny tiny gut feeling Go for it,theres something super powerful about a Mothers instinct, even if the labs or scans tell differently, follow your gut instinct, it comes from the heart. #6 . YOU DONT PANIC ANYMORE: Even though the stormy waves will be gushing to and fro in your life,you learn to remain calm,not panic ,take charge, amidst , my sons dangerous seizures, with constant falls,cuts and stitches,I discovered the New Calm Me. #7 :YOU LEARN EVERY DAY HOW TO BE A BETTER MOM:Learning becomes apart of you,no matter how learned you are, your child gets to become your biggest teacher,you learn the lessons of patience, strength and unconditional love, your child will make you the advocate, you always wanted to meet. #8 :YOU WILL BE MAKING EXTRA ORDINARY NEW BEST FRIENDS:Along the journey of raising my little boy, I met similar and stronger moms,who continue to inspire me till date with their strength, wit and hope. #9 :YOU'VE GOT THIS: No matter what the world,or Google,or doctors or therapists tell you, You've always got this, You become your biggest support,every time you get knocked down,you'll stand up stronger than before. #10 . ACCEPT and LET GO: sometimes ,comes a point when the journey is also about braving through the most painful moment,After all the storms you've sailed through, you also learn to surrender, to the will of Al Mighty, You surrender and you let go, only for the memories to give you new strength.