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*sigh* 🥺😭 Why is it that we feel the need to pretend to be okay?

As children, we pretend for fun. As teenagers, we pretend we care. But why do we pretend to be okay? I'm 16, and I've been pretending my whole life. Pretending that I didn't care about the abuse, about the loss. Pretending that I wasn't depressed or crying every night. But I am pretending that I don't miss my girlfriend. We got together about a week and a half ago, but I haven't talked to her since the day after we got together. It doesn't seem like a big deal, I know. But to me it is. I made this (the picture attached) for my tablet wallpaper. It took me 4 hours to get it all done, and I wanted to show her. But I couldn't. She had gotten in trouble and doesn't get her phone for an unknown amount of time. *sigh*

We haven't been together that long but this hurts....a lot. Why?

#why #wlw #LGBTQ #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #help #Questioning #attachment #attachmentissues

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Object permanence #CPTSD #ADHD #attachmentissues

For several years people have told me that normal people carry their loved ones around in their heart wherever they go. I am most definitely NOT normal and I can’t. I have problems with object permanence and being unable to believe that people don’t vanish from the face of the earth when they are out of sight. When people that I love go away, my trauma brain or ADHD brain or whatever literally thinks they are dead/have ceased to exist and therefore never coming back. It makes it hard to open up to people. Trust takes a really long time.

My trust issues are totally different than abandonment issues. I just don’t realize that people I love still exist when they aren’t right here. So then I put up walls and it is hard to trust them, all over again, when they return. Not because of anything I think they did or will do; just simply because they existed, then they didn’t, and now they exist again.

My rational mind obviously knows these things are false and irrational but my complex trauma mind is stronger and takes over at these times. Does anyone else struggle with object permanence? How do you cope? Do you ascribe it to ADHD, CPTSD, or both? Or something else entirely?


Who finds blogging helpful with their mental health journey? #Loneliness #FearOfAbandonment

I’ve been writing a blog for just over a year and can’t decide whether it’s helping me feel better or not. I share it with a small group of friends but have noticed that hardly any of them actually read it so it’s gone from my way of opening up. To others to a pointless action. My #FearOfAbandonment is elevated by this because I’ve lost so many people who were close to me and it’s triggered by my current friends saying they are here for me and then ignoring me reaching out to them. #Loneliness #Depression #attachmentissues


Attachment Issues

I was always the one who kept people together, who smoothed things over, who created a reason to meet. I was always the one who loved tradition and sentimentality and connections to my ancestors. I was always the one who gave and gave and gave to anyone who needed me.

But now, I rarely respond to messages. I forget everyone's birthdays. I hide away from get-togethers (thanks for the excuse, covid!). I throw out family heirloom trinkets. I feel no attachment to anyone.

For a number of years, I didn't feel the attachment, but I still acted as if it was there. Now I'm just tired of the acting and I don't care anymore. I've stopped bothering to apologize for failing to connect with people. I've deliberately isolated myself. Though I feel dead and empty inside, at least I'm not triggered and anxious and distrustful.

It feels better to just preemptively isolate than to hurt people by responding to a trigger. Isn't it just better for both of us if that hurt never happens?

My nephews recently asked about my favourite book and favourite song and I felt the flashbacks coming on. What do you do when you can't even feel safe with innocent children?

Moving to this city just a few months before covid lockdowns started has not served my attachment issues well. At one point, we were being advised to only socialize with our "safe six" - but if you're the new kid in town, you are not going to be included in anyone's inner group of six close friends. Now we're just not supposed to socialize at all outside of our households, and I live alone.

Things aren't great with my parents right now, so I don't even want to talk to any other family members who might pass on details about my life to them. And no, some family members will not respect boundaries if I ask them to keep things to themselves.

One of my main sources of socializing was always the church, but with them shut down right now, on top of feeling like I'm losing my faith due to spiritual abuse fallout, that isn't happening. I don't know how to have a conversation with any Christian themes that won't feel triggering, so I don't know how to try to make friends through this online church experience.

I mean, I feel fine with no attachments to anyone, but I know it isn't healthy. I know I can't keep on living like this. But what am I supposed to do?

#attachment #attachmentissues #Friendship #Family #Church #Christianity #Lockdown #COVID19 #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #EmotionalAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #spiritualabuse


So frustrated with myself #Dating #Rejection #attachmentissues #sabotagingwellness

I'm frustrated with myself. I know, the title says that, duh. But relationships are one of those areas in which I feel like I am an abject failure. I'm a 36yo cis female, employed full time, have my own home, and have my life somewhat figured out. But I feel like I'm only ever picking mates where the relationships never work out. I think I need some sort of therapy to help me sort out why I do what I do, and help me stop my patterns. I started studying attachment theory, reading about codependency and abusive relationships, and I'm starting to feel like I'm some sort of lost cause. It's past the point where I think about having a family or having kids. I had 3 long term relationships in my past not work out and I'm starting to feel like it's too late for me. My biggest fears are a) being alone or b) being with the wrong person. I've been with the wrong person multiple times and I am just losing faith that I deserve someone. I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me.

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Perhaps people being separated from their friends and loved ones will give them a tiny perspective of how I have felt for the last three years. Taken away from my friends and colleagues because Management did not understand my disorder. #CPTSD #attachmentissues 😢


Feeling lonely

Maybe it’s Monday, idk. I feel I’m alone and no one gets me. People just give me the standard “good morning” or “hey”. Maybe I got attachment issue cause I want more than just a greeting. I want to hang out, get to know you and/or talk. I’m just weird like that. No one probably understands. I feel so sad when I come home even though I need rest after work. I got nothing to do but lay in bed and drown in my thoughts.
#lonely #misunderstood #depressed #needlove #friendless #attachmentissues

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jesus christ i'm a piece of shit

so I have been dealing with 'feeling like a piece of shit' for a long time. mostly because I am one. they call is complex ptsd and bdp.

a big part of why I am one is because I have trouble regulating my emotions and I am paranoid to the extreme.
now, sometimes, I think my paranoia comes from years of being called a failure and having no one trust or respect me or my opinions in any way. or maybe because the people I was supposed to look up to abused me until I left home -I got beat up for eating too much, too little, speaking up, not apeaking at all etc. maybe because after I left home I was gang raped and no one believed me-my school mates laughed, my teachers judged, my mom and gran called me a whore and attention seeker. maybe if they knew that my mom's uncle sexually abused me for as long as I have living memories up until I was about 12 yo thing would have been different. but I doubt it. different times, different mentalities. especially considering that where I come from, rape and sexual abuse of minors is STILL considered the abused person's fault, not the abuser's.

I also have trouble connecting with people as I just din't know what the fuck to say to them. sometimes, all I wanna tell them is 'you suck for being so damn happy all the time. fuck you and your perfect life'. and that is no way to make friends, is it?
so I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact a piece of shit, but for a good reason-so the psychiatrist says.

so I guess the question is, how do I change this view? I feel that if I get stuck in this limbo, I will die alone. probably because of my own doing-not necessarily hand. it's ironic how I don't want to be alone, but when I am not, I want to be left alone.

wtf is wrong with me?
#BPD #PTSD #Conflict #attachmentissues