I was always the one who kept people together, who smoothed things over, who created a reason to meet. I was always the one who loved tradition and sentimentality and connections to my ancestors. I was always the one who gave and gave and gave to anyone who needed me.
But now, I rarely respond to messages. I forget everyone's birthdays. I hide away from get-togethers (thanks for the excuse, covid!). I throw out family heirloom trinkets. I feel no attachment to anyone.
For a number of years, I didn't feel the attachment, but I still acted as if it was there. Now I'm just tired of the acting and I don't care anymore. I've stopped bothering to apologize for failing to connect with people. I've deliberately isolated myself. Though I feel dead and empty inside, at least I'm not triggered and anxious and distrustful.
It feels better to just preemptively isolate than to hurt people by responding to a trigger. Isn't it just better for both of us if that hurt never happens?
My nephews recently asked about my favourite book and favourite song and I felt the flashbacks coming on. What do you do when you can't even feel safe with innocent children?
Moving to this city just a few months before covid lockdowns started has not served my attachment issues well. At one point, we were being advised to only socialize with our "safe six" - but if you're the new kid in town, you are not going to be included in anyone's inner group of six close friends. Now we're just not supposed to socialize at all outside of our households, and I live alone.
Things aren't great with my parents right now, so I don't even want to talk to any other family members who might pass on details about my life to them. And no, some family members will not respect boundaries if I ask them to keep things to themselves.
One of my main sources of socializing was always the church, but with them shut down right now, on top of feeling like I'm losing my faith due to spiritual abuse fallout, that isn't happening. I don't know how to have a conversation with any Christian themes that won't feel triggering, so I don't know how to try to make friends through this online church experience.
I mean, I feel fine with no attachments to anyone, but I know it isn't healthy. I know I can't keep on living like this. But what am I supposed to do?
#attachment #attachmentissues #Friendship #Family #Church #Christianity #Lockdown #COVID19 #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #EmotionalAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #spiritualabuse