bipolarmixed

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    Mania feels awesome #Mania #BipolarDisorder #bipolarmania

    I struggle with bipolar disorder. Recently I went around 10ish days without my meds (mood stabilizer, antidepressant, anxiety med). I'm back on track but I know it'll take at least 2-3 weeks to get back on track.

    Right now, I'm manic. And my God does it feel amazing. I feel upbeat and productive. I feel like I can take any problem. I feel excited about life.

    But I also can't keep still. I'm extra loud, talking extra fast, extra extra extra. I've gotten things done but they aren't the important things - like cleaning, or my job (I work from home).

    I know eventually I'll be ok again, and honestly I look forward to that. But in the meantime (at least for the next few days, because the downswing almost always comes) I'm burning the candle at both ends. It rocks, but it also sucks.

    #Mania #BipolarDisorder #bipolarmania #bipolarmixed #wheee

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    I can forgive myself

    I always feel guilty and ashamed when I'm unable to do things that should be easy. I will hate myself, even wish to die, torture myself with negative thoughts. Yesterday, I missed a deadline for an assignment. My professor gave me an additional day to turn it in, but I couldn't focus, the words seemed to dance on these screen so I couldn't understand them and I felt stupid and dumb. The stress provoked a #Fibromyalgia flare. I ended up taking meds and going to bed instead. I'm slowly coming out of a #bipolarmixed episode that lasted over a month, was recently diagnosed with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder , I have #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder and #AttentiondeficitDisorder plus we're doing classwork online because of the pandemic. When I woke up hours later, I realized I didn't feel guilty about not doing the assignment. Normally, I would be hating on myself, crying, blaming myself for not being good enough. Not this time. This time I realized that I have to forgive myself for "failing" when I literally can't do something. Even if I've failed other times because I've procrastinated, not this time. I didn't choose to fall into the worst mixed episode I've had in years, the anger and frustration, the inability to focus or understand simple words on paper. It isn't my fault. Instead of beating myself for being unable to do what I literally can't do, I need to focus all that energy into getting better. Only then will I be able to perform properly. So, probably for the first time ever, I'll forgive myself, I'll push away the shame and the guilt. I'll be fair, I will not punish myself. I'll accept my reality, and if that means allowing myself to rest and heal, then that's what I will do.

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    Mixed episode & overreacting #BipolarDisorder #bipolarmixed

    I've been going through a mixed episode for a month now, maybe a little longer. I'm irritable, angry, I've even verbally responded to what I've perceived as aggression. I'm suicidal, negative behavior is a part of my daily life again. Worthlessness, feeling useless... And so on.

    And now my dog, a rescue who lived around my neighborhood, left 3 hours ago and I'm freaking out. I know he'll come back. He likes walking around because it's what he did before he adopted us (we know we shouldn't let him but we can't exactly stop him without some serious training and that costs money). I know I'm overreacting. Sounds annoy the hell out of me. I can't turn the TV off because I'm not alone. I try to distract myself and nothing works. Negative thoughts are all that come to my mind.

    This dog has helped me deal with these feelings and thoughts and has helped me avoid hospitalization. After my grandmother died in early February, he was a balm for my dad and I. I just wish I could keep calm and not jump to conclusions immediately. I wish I could think clearly.

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    #CheckInWithMe #bipolarmixed

    I’m just wondering does anyone else forget everything? I have no memory of the past. it doesn’t stick. someone will ask me if I remember something from the past I NEVER do. I’m afraid what’s wrong with me? I’m just wondering am I alone in this? I’m almost 34. anyone else have this issue?

    4 comments