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Migraines, Insanity, and Manifest Destiny
A migraine has hit in the night. Yesterday, to lower the pain, I took a hot bath. I stayed in too long, and my body doth now protest. Wind-up I call it, or migraines, for lack of an actual diagnosis. Migraine is hardly a diagnosis. Waves of sensation washing through me- hot, cold, needles, tingles, numbness, shivers, spasms, and the good old crispy pain.
The definition of insanity is acting the same way and expecting different results. As I contemplate scheduling an appointment with my doctor, I wonder what my expectations should be, since I am waitlisted for EDS diagnosis.
I feel entirely rational believing that I will be suggested pharmaceuticals too readily, while my doctor hesitates to diagnose my complex health issues. So I spend time waiting for appointments with specialist who are unwilling to diagnose pain outside of their specialty. Everything becomes a maybe leading to another specialist.
I feel entirely rational trying to explain to my doctor that medication without proper diagnosis has made the situation worse. The pathology of my conditions changes while I wait for appointments.
I feel entirely rational getting angry at my doctor for dismissing my concerns about the quality of treatment and suggesting that I do not want to get better.
I feel rational knowing that seeking treament has itself made my healh worsen in the past, and I know that the possibility of it happening again is higher than obtaining the care that is needed.
I feel rational thinking that there is a difference in the importance that my doctor and I attribute to our meetings, and I am at a lost pretending that my doctor is not apathetic (or experiencing "empathy fatigue") in order to possibily get the care I need.
The drive to the clinic or the hospital and the waiting in public rooms is painful, and I get little out of it but more migraines. At our last meeting, my doctor complained that I was late and the office charged me for a missed telephone call during the pandemic. I have no money for treatment. Regardless of whether I was late or not, I feel rational thinking our priorities do not coincide. I feel rational saying my health is not a part of my doctor's priorities, based on past services.
So, the unfortunate conclusion seems to be to try and handle the pain and disability alone, for fear of running the very real risk of deterioration.
I am not hopeless, but the determination is a grim one, since I have to find contentment in things other than pleasure. There is a lot I want to life for- more than most, I would say- but pain is a responsibility, and responsibility is repulsive, and no one wants more of it in their lives. I understand what I am asking of others, but I would not be asking if it wasn't aleady promised.
In the end, my behavior is seen as insane to some, while I think the same of them- the difference being I'm suffering, while they profit from the lie.
All the while, I'm supposed to "shut down" these rational thoughts and keep asking fo help from the same people? That, I feel, is true insanity.
#Migraine #ChronicPain #Allodynia #Hyperalgesia #CentralSensitizationSyndrome #EhlersDanlosSyndrome
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