I am tired of being tired everyday. Whether I am up all night from insomnia, or had just slept 16 hours straight from being too exhausted, I am still tired. Thinking about cooking, moving my sore body to take care of my kids and their needs feels like I am sinking into quick sand. My limbs and eyes feel heavy.
On my good days I feel like talking to people and even going for a refreshing walk with my dog in the sun; feeling it's warm rays gently upon my skin. I feel like making a nutritious, delicious meal, and maybe even dessert.
But a lot of my days my invisible illness threatens to destroy my body. It attacks my thyroid causing my glands to swell and my joints, muscles, and tendons to pull and tighten each other like a tangled ball of criss crossed electrical wiring sparking. My stomach burns because my gastritis is flaring due to a coffee I decided to indulge in that day, because I have missed the taste and badly needed a pick me up to finish my day or start the kid's bedtime routine.
I obsessively research my ailments because most of the regimens I do to take care of myself, I have learned on my own and not from doctors.
A lot of times I feel hopeless and at times have contemplated suicide because I feel like I am useless with my crippled body.
It is reinforced by negativity from others when they judge why I am not working or doing more to better my financial situation. When members in support group tell me I ask stupid questions or seem confused about my disease.
I do not think as efficiently or creatively anymore, because my slow thyroid affects the speed my brain processes thoughts and responses. I have to take stimulants to speed my brain response, focus, motivation, and memory. The medications don't always work well everyday. Everyday is a new day with my diseases.
I struggle to bring up my iron levels through my diet and supplements because I also have borderline low B12 levels. The gastritis doesn't allow the nutrients to fully pass through the stomach. I also take a medication to help with acid reflux and bile reflux diseases. That medication (called a proton pump inhibitor) can also deplete my body of important vitamin and minerals.
On top of all that I have a ton of itis'. Forearm tendonitis, lateral epicondylitis(tennis elbow), De Quervain's tenosynovitis(mommy tendonitis), greater hip trochanter bursitis, multiple foot tendons(itis). And carpel tunnel, sore elbows, neck and neck muscles, sore lumbar and sacral joints, hip joints, knees, ankles, big toe joints, and finger joints. Please believe me when I say I am not feeling well today, because a lot of times I cannot break through the multiple assaults to find any sort of silver lining. You wouldn't know through all of this I have been working hard to eat well and exercise this year. You wouldn't know I have really tried and lost 57 lbs this year.
This is my life, this is my struggle. Please let's support each other, and consider how it feels to be in each other's place.