DysfunctionalFamily

I don’t think anyone understands the magnitude of fear I have towards my mother. When my dad died, I wanted to go with him, because I felt like I had nobody to protect me from my mother! I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation. I’m really shook up from yesterday’s phone call, prior to that I felt empowered because I had finally put up a fortress in my mind to protect myself from her by blocking her number. I am now afraid to block her new number before I leave because, I don’t know what might happen if I do between now and when I move. I still have a few months before I can move. She is one of the main reasons I’m leaving, to leave the abuse behind. I’ve experienced so much trauma in this state. I see my mother every where, she’s in every woman, she’s every bully I’ve ever encountered. She is the reason I had no boundaries, struggle with self advocacy, and everything else a programmed codependent child is robbed of. Essentially, she set me up to be a perpetual victim of abuse. I now feel like a spineless, coward who betrayed myself, and feel like I’ve been knocked back down to sit at her feet, where she can continue to control me. She believes she is god’s special prophet and everyone else is subservient to her, except my younger brother (who will rule over and judge the world someday) and anyone else she likes. Everyone else is her and his servant. I literally mean this. This is the cult I grew up in.

I woke up to a phone call that I didn’t recognize from my home town, I thought it was my son calling to tell me my mom died , but instead it was my mom. I haven’t talked to her since last November when my oldest brother died from a heart attack. She couldn’t say one loving or kind word about her own son, instead she ran him down and didn’t shed one tear. I got mad and she actually laughed at me. I told her she was sick, I hung up the phone and blocked her number. I thought that was the last I was going to hear from her again, until today. My heart rate increased, practically pounding out of my chest at the beginning of the call and I regressed to a child. I endured about an hour of narcissistic abuse today. I have been sick all day. Panicking, head hurting, feeling like there was a ball in the pit of my stomach. Then, I had to go to Walmart to pickup my meds and was afraid of being targeted for abuse again, or retaliation for standing up for myself the other day. Thankfully, my Doctor prescribed me an antidepressant, that I just started today, I’m hoping will help, because I’m a wreck. I ran into an old bully at the store and felt like I just couldn’t find a safe place today. I had to sell a device that I didn’t want and I will not name, but is potentially unsafe for someone with mental illness, that was traumatic, because I inherited it from dad, and I felt like I betrayed him. I tried to get rid of something else, by being a responsible citizen and taking it to the police, (which was nerve racking), to no avail both police stations were closed. All in all, I wanted to just ball up in the floor at wal-mart and cover my head and cry like a baby and beg people to leave me alone. Life fucking sucks sometimes. Thankfully, I have my spouse and pets, or I wouldn’t be here.

My friends like to point out the upside of my traveling over the holidays when I feel alien and like I have no where else to go because I’ve chosen to distance myself from my dysfunctional family.

“At least you saw some beautiful places…” - Yes, I went to a beach keenly aware that I was alone, it was Thanksgiving and I ate alone with food I picked up from the grocery store that I didn’t actually have to cook. It was fine—at best. But better than sitting with dysfunctional family—mine or anyone else’s.

“At least you got to travel and get away…” - I wasn’t a vacation. It was an escape, a hiding, an anxiety-ridden space of time where I needed to be anywhere else than home.

“At least blah blah blah” - Just stop. I do the best I can with the situation that I’m in. We live in a world that is structured by families. I will always feel outside of the norm. Do I have to pretend fine just to make you okay with my struggle?

This kind of response is why I need to run and hide. At least I can be myself and feel my feelings when I’m alone. I don’t want to be around people who want me to find the upside in having no family. Newsflash, it sucks. You feel like a spotlight is on your head wherever you go. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to stay in. You don’t want to be with cheery other peoples families to remind yourself that that will never be your life.

And by you, I mean me. I speak for myself when I say stop trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes some things in life suck.

#Truth #Sorrynotsorry #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD
#alone #DysfunctionalFamily

#attachmentdisorders
#mommyissues
#DysfunctionalFamily
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#mom

I was just thinking about how, over the years, I would bring up a memory with a family member in hope that THIS time I would finally be heard and they would see what had been and continues to go on in this family. The response would usually be, "Why can't you just leave the past in the past?"

I JUST realized, my FAMILY members are my past; because, they are NEVER going to change, acknowledge, nor have any remorse and I am so PAST being abused. So, I will take my family member's advice to leave the past in the past and that's where they all will stay.

No contact has been a good thing; because, I realize now that when they kept saying, "Oh, you're SO negative," the reality is, I have never been a negative person. I was surrounded by negative people through whom I endured negative experiences and for which I had an appropriately negative response.

Since going no contact, my true, positive, silver lining seeking self is growing stronger and stronger every single day!

This poem reflects how a million thoughts and emotions in my mind keep getting into conflict with one another to the point that it feels like a million people are fighting in your head.

I close my eyes
Sink into the melancholy of night,
Wondering if it’s ever ,
Ever going to be alright .

I hear a loud screech ,
Far from my reach ,
My mind jerks and heart pounding
I wake up .
The beasts are fighting
One scratches the other
One pushes the other
It continues and escalates into a full blown combat

As the ferociousness increases
My heart races,
I wonder why I feel so uneasy ?
As I am merely a spectator

My head spinning
My blood hasting
My eyes tearing
I curl up under the blanket
Waiting for the storm to pass
Hoping it calms down at last
Hoping it doesn’t leave me aghast !
#Anxiety
#Depression
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#DysfunctionalFamily