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For the New Year..

I made no resolutions, but I am trying to resolve, to reconcile with my oldest daughter who has chosen to estrange/alienate us. I don’t know, or understand why.

This is a letter I recently sent her and my attempts are in vain. It hurts me to think that for her life, what time she has left (she has Stage 4 metastatic cancer) we, most likely will never speak again. At least, when I die, I’ll know, I tried.

-I apologize if I ever did a wrong to you. I tried to be a good parent. I did the best I could, with what I knew, with what I had. Perhaps, I’d been over protective at times, perhaps not enough at other times.

I feel like I’m enough. I somehow think you always wanted me to be more.You wanted me to be different somehow.

I thought we did a good job raising you. We’re not perfect. I do consider you a successful adult. You had a great career, a great work ethic, you’re honest, you have friends, and a great husband in _____, you’re generous with your resources and you give as a volunteer for charitable causes.These are positive attributes about you. Is that because you had such a traumatic upbringing because we were your parents?!

At some point in time, I put many of the resentments and unresolved issues with my own parents aside. I tried very hard to forgive them because it helped free me to have a better more adult relationship with my parents. I think I finally stopped blaming my folks for being their imperfect selves after I became a parent.

I realized that my parents were not to blame for all the traumas I went through as a child. These are different for everyone. We all take different figurative paths in life, and in time. I believe life is too short to hold grudges against loved ones for what I perceive as their shortcomings or mistakes.

On our trip to Vermont, we both said things we can’t take back..It took awhile for me to recover from that trip, mentally and emotionally.

I know the myriad of boundaries, you tried to establish.They’ve become a wall now. You’ve walled us out of your life. We don’t understand your behavior or what we’ve done to elicit that behavior. I wonder why you would take people you’d known your whole life, those willing to try and be a support, those who Love you, and cast them out of your life?

I believe we only have control over our own actions and reactions in response to the people places and things in the world. We don’t however, have control over the people, places and things. Sometimes, if we’re ill we might not even have basic body control, or control of our reactions and responses.The loss of that I’ve seen in several loved ones.

I Love You, even if there’s no return or reply, even if my thoughts are not appreciated, wanted,or read. In the past, I thought we had a decent relationship, as your parents and even as friends.

From my side,the proverbial door, always remains open…

#LoveLetters #Trying #Love #Family #Depression #PTSD

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You’re Worth The One Worth Waiting For #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Relationships

As I’m sitting here, after driving around all day for what seems to be something I’m looking for that I do not know where it’s at, you’re that’s all that is on my mind. Have any of you ever missed someone so much that it hurts to think, to breathe, to sit still?

I’m missing someone so much right now, and it hurts. I do not know if I’ve ever felt this feeling before. I’ve had heartbreaks, I’ve had what felt like I’m dying, but this feeling… this feeling feels much worse. It’s a feeling of being lost and not knowing where anything is, like being dropped off in the middle of the Sahara desert and having to walk home to the United States and not find a person or city on the way.

I do not know if I’ll ever hear from her again, but what I do know is, that she is worth the trying and waiting for. Have any of you found someone that you could wait forever for and only get your last 5 minutes with them? Cause I would for her. She’s someone extremely special to me, she brought life into my heart, she makes me smile so much that my cheeks hurt after talking to her, she makes me feel invincible, and able to take the whole world.

I have found my person that I would do anything and everything for. I feel our personalities were made to fit each other like a glove. I know what “puppy love” and when you have a crush on someone feels like, for me this was none of that. This was genuine, like I was born for her. Something I’ve never felt in my entire life.

If you’re out there, I miss you so much. This is what I would write to you if I could:

I don’t know what happened or what went wrong, idk if it’s my fault or not, I will blame it on me, I’ve learned to forgive myself before. You’re worth everything in the entire universe. If I had a chance, I would spend the rest of my life with you and give you the absolute best life you deserve as well as your kids. I would break my back to make you happy. You would never have to work again, your wouldn’t EVER have to be sad again, you would never have to doubt yourself or your choices, you would never have to worry, you would NEVER have to feel unsafe ever again, I would give you the life of your dreams and the life you deserve.

If I ever had a chance to talk to you again, you would never ever regret it. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on, you’re the most cute and quirky person I’ve met, you’re extremely funny but shy and I love that, you’re someone who will do anything for her kids, you are an extremely strong person and you have a great personality that I love when it blossomed. I know you’re heart is broken right now, I know that, my heart is broken too. I feel like the way our hearts broke, if I were to take one half of mine and one half of yours, they would fit together perfectly and still beat throughout all our trauma. We can be whole again.

I want you to know that I am always here for you, I will wait an enternity for you, you’re absolutely worth waiting for and if I have to wait all my life, I will. I will keep trying, keep pushing, every day that goes by, I’m still searching for your love, the purest love and kindness I’ve ever had the pleasure of receiving. I miss you.

Quote: “The real power of a man is in the size of the smile of the woman sitting next to him.”
-Nick (me)



I don’t know if it is me
It is us, if there ever was
A feeling of love of being loved
Or the need of your arms embracing
My heart, I now lack the color
Of you eyes when the sun hit them
As I picture your freckles on her face

The scent on my pillow varies
From last night as I try to find
The one that is in yours
The sight of love over my body
Is forever gone as you haven’t come around
Since the day you got on that uber
Heading far away from me

Tears are not liquid, but they come
as songs I once listened to as your face
And the lights on the club just combine
To adjust on my retina showing you on
Every corner of the place. A haunted
Mansion full of ghosts that resemble
At its finest my happiest moment

I know it’s for the best, your better
And my worst. I am made to by myself,
You deserve a better love. Once your sky
Is blue again, my clouds’ll be a lighter grey
For the shinning of your smile knows
Always what is best. You, selfless angel
Presented heaven to this atheist heart #Anxiety #LoveLetters

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Fuck it, I’m blonde now! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlineStigma #identitycrisis #fuckdepression

So I’m blonde now. Cut my hair. Am starting to be more blunt yet trying to be respectful to my family’s manipulation actions. Recognize they love me. But I’m in charge of my life. Not them. So yeah, one day at a time. But you know what? Yeah I have borderline personality disorder but that doesn’t mean I’m the problem in my family. Disease is. Theirs too. So with a good attitude, responsibility, self love and love towards them, in that order, I can and will move on and consequently they will too. #Depression #Anxiety #Life #DysfunctionalFamily #Loveistheway #fuckhaters #LoveLetters #lovenothate


Love hurts, but also heals💘

"Some say love isn't suppose to hurt. , but sometimes, it does. Especially when you feel it for the first time, and it starts healing old wounds ans sewing the gaping hole in your chest that's made it you unable to feel nothing but pain." #Love #LoveLetters #Healing #Depression #MentalHealth

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I challenge you to do my 21 day challenge what are you grateful for? #Gratitude #grateful #Chatspace #Bipolar2Disorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

What are things you are grateful for and why? Reword your brain heal your inner child. #PTSD #CPTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Chatspace #Flareup #Upallnight #Disability #Art #Photography #Yoga #mightywarriors #MightyTogether #mightyartists #MightyMoment #MightyMinute #MightyBookClub #mightyartists #MightyDads #MightyFeatures #MightyQuestions #MightyMoms #MightyFeatures #Depression #TheMightyTakeaway #MightyReviews #MyMightyMonth #TheMighty #CheckInWithMe #Chatting #Selfcare #selflovecomesfirst #Selflove #52SmallThings #30daysofselflove #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #HashimotosThyroiditis #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Spoonie #SpoonieProblems #Spoonies #Fibromyaliga #Fibromyalgia #Yoga #Healing #healingjourney #Photography #ArtTherapy #Sports #Love #sad #lonely #Loneliness #Anxiety #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #acute chronic sinusitis #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #DatingWithAChronicIllness #Dating #EatingDisorders #BingeEatingDisorder #bed #datingdisabilities #Hacks #LongDistanceRelationship #Dateday #LoveLetters #LoveOnTheSpectrum check in with me let me know how you are could use support today!!