incestsurvivor

She abused me for over 10 years. She humiliated me, made me feel ashamed of myself, a bad little girl. I grew afraid of everyone. Any new situation sent me into tears and intense fear. Why didn’t I run away? Why didn’t I say no? Because she was my own mother. There were no choices. Was it ever my fault?
Today is her funeral. She died last Wednesday. In pain. Today, she will be memorialized. Family members will step up at the service and say good things about her. I wish I could step up and tell them what she meant to me. But I won’t.
She had so much time to apologize. Instead, she said it was a long time ago and refused to talk about it. And now she’s gone. How do I forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness? I’m sixty-one years old and I still want a mommy. Now it’s too late. Too late. I feel so alone.
#incestsurvivor

I'm standing on a cliff. I can either take a leap of faith that God will give me the help and strength and the unknown Something to make my clean, complete, and absolute break from the Processed and Allergy-Inducing into my Body's begging, insistent, restrictive but Needed Nourishing and Healing required Eating Pattern/Lifestyle/fill-in-the-word-please------------
OR
I can, mouthful by mouthful, day by day, weekend by weekend, continue to sit with my knees drawn up in this dusty, grainy, dry grass on top of this Cliff and kill myself with Inflammation.
Abdominal pain, sharp and burning, when I eat too much saturated fat.
Twisting, jarring spasms of muscles, tendons, soft tissues.
Swollen, stiff, aching claws of hands from arthritis.
Mucus clogging, choking, draining in my nasal passages, throat, and chest from milk solids and milk products.
Violent nausea, vomiting, diarrhea due to allergies to Nightshades, chemicals, and preservatives.

I tried to express this driving MUST feeling, of me standing on this Cliff, of my feeling trapped, MUST MUST MUST, to my husband.

I was unsuccessful.
He started telling me about his lunch menu today. I leaned my forehead against the glass of my bedroom window, feeling its smooth coolness, trying to soothe myself, while at the same time wishing it was one of the concrete walls in my apartment so I could beat my head against it in frustration.

I wanted to scream at him:"I don't want to talk about food! I don't want to cook! This isn't about FOOD!"

This is about the Cliff and the Abyss and the Sky and the Earth and the River. And the MUST.
The terror of both action and inaction.

I either jump into a new world of Health, or I will die.

#SexualTrauma
#incestsurvivor
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Self harm is never okay. It’s a dangerous way to ‘cope’. And it becomes an addiction. Most people who self harm don’t want to kill themselves. But, many times, that’s EXACTLY what happens. They go further than they actually mean to. Like the drug addict who says they know how much they can handle. It’s damaging and dangerous.
Finding the right therapist for you to help you work through the issues that lead to those feelings of low self-worth, shame, frustration, etc., is a healthy way to find healing. Self harm never is.
I’m thankful I’m getting the real help I need. Today, I’m 645 days self harm free. And if I can do it, you can too.
You have infinite value. Please reach out for support. You are Mighty. Safe hugs to you.
#Anxiety
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#Christian
#CPTSD
#Depression
#GAD
#I ’mhealing
#I ’mhuman
#incestsurvivor
#mentalabuse
#MentalHealth
#OCD
#RLS
#RapeSurvivors
#SelfharmRecovery
#SuicideSurvivor

I found this diagram to be helpful for pointing out the different symptoms of each disorder.

So much of the time, those of us who are wondering if we have Trauma disorders don't get an accurate diagnosis because we or our providers don't ask the right questions.

Being your own Advocate often means having to do a lot of research and finding out what is true for you.

In my journey, searching the Internet, particularly reputable sources like the American Psychological Association; reading books by well-known author's in the Trauma field; attending support groups such as NAMI (National Association for the Mentally ill) and interviewing my potential providers as to their experience with Trauma work have all been excellent strategies for getting the best care possible.

Remember that you are the best person to describe what is happening with yourself. Trust your ability to co-create the right healing relationship.

#CPTSD #Trauma #incestsurvivor #Depression #Anxiety

#Anxiety
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#Christian
#CPTSD
#Depression
#GAD
#I ’mhealing
#I ’mhuman
#incestsurvivor
#mentalabuse
#mentalhealth
#ocd
#rls
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

#Nightmares
#Flashbacks
#warriorsurvivor
#CPTSD #Bipolar2Disorder #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #ADHD #ObessiveCompulsiveDisorder #incestsurvivor #Trichotillomania #DependentPersonalityDisorder

#Abuse #incestsurvivor #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD