Losingmymind

Haven't posted on here in a minute and wasn't going to but I'm in a deep black hole yet again *sigh*

In a nutshell I just turned 47 on 1/16 and my little one will be 9 next month. He's a sweet, good boy buuut the frustration that's making my anxiety totally maxed out is he hasn't been eating nothing but Goldfish, pretzels and other small stuff. I cook daily and know it's INSANE for me to keep being a short order cook, yet I'm not trying to have CPS called on me for not feeding him *sigh* I just don't know what to do about it anymore!#throwsintowel

Another reason my anxiety is maxed out is him again; this time about education. He's in 3rd grade and here in OH our 3rd graders have to pass a state Reading test, well he failed and I knew he would as I did remote learning 2021/2022. He has an IEP plan and I'm told it's ok to promote him but I just don't know. #Losingmymind

The last reason my anxiety is maxed out because of him is I've been a widow since 2015 when he was 17months old and I am THE only one in his life and all the above I said on top of feeling like because I am his only family has made me feel like 2019 when I had almost given him up for adoption *sad face* People ask what I do for work and I'm mom, which is great, however it does suck because when I had my first son 28 yrs ago it was so different and I had a few people in my support circle so I could get at least a part time job. Honestly though my anxiety sucks and I don't need to be working nowhere for fear I'd snap on someone. I also don't drive because of my anxiety and I feel I'm not a good mom because his friends go here, there and everywhere. I do take him on adventures thanks to our great public transportation system and what I can do being on a fixed income. I just feel again like I felt in 2019 maybe just maybe he needs this big family with aunties, uncles and all of that that can take him on big adventures. #maybehedbebetteroff

I do have a SO but I feel he's totally clueless about any of this because he has no kids. I did try to talk to him and all I got was crickets *sigh* #feellikegivinghimtheboot

I'm a mess! Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Does anyone else have chronic broken ribs? They take so long to heal that more break before the last ones heal so you are always broken. And all it takes is a sneeze and snap another one breaks. The pain is constantly excruciating and it makes breathing so exhausting and taxing. What do you do to survive this torture? #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #tiredofbeingsofragile #ChronicPain #Cantsleep #CRPS #rsd #Osteoporosis #Scoliosis #brokenribs #brokenbones #cantbreath #cantdothismuchlonger #nothingcutsthepain #Insomnia #Losingmymind #ineedafriend

Earlier today, I ended up buying hair dye and went home and decided to go sit by the pool. I changed my clothes and left with my notebook, sketchbook, and various pens and pencils. It felt like my mind was racing all the while I was there. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to dye my hair today or tomorrow. At one point, I stared at the pool thinking whether or not I wanted to go change into my bathing suit or just jump in in my crop top and shorts. Yet, I didn’t want to go home. I eventually took a nap, but I still feel empty. #MentalHealth #Depression #Losingmymind

I've had all the fun in my life! My boyfriend from age 14-22 was mentally and physically abusive. We had a beautiful daughter 16 years ago (I also endured preclampsia and postpartum). My daughter has a multitude of various illnesses from birth. So there was prolonged exposure to him and his narcissistic ways. After losing her for 2 years as a result of being "brainwashed" to think I was the worst mom in the world and sadly (but thankfully) being there to pick up the pieces of her realizations and understanding of what was happening to her and what a skewed perception she was lead to believe about me, she has been with me full time for the past (appx) 3 years now. In 2017, I had a full hysterectomy at age 34 due to pretty severe PMDD, Adenomyosis and cancerous cells. I'm now finding myself in the hell that is (what I think) the Collision of Hormones (or lack of), Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety disorder with Psychogenic Seizures and PTSD. I swear the menopause has been just enhancing or playing a really nasty game with the rest of these beautiful, disastrous disorders. I'm struggling going back and forth with my OBGYN, psychologist and psychistrist. I've lost my 3rd job in a row due to hospitalizations, partial day programs and sporadic "mental health days." I'm a hot mess... can ANYONE relate?! To any of it? I'm struggling and having symptoms I've never had before. I have had the Pseudo Seizures, panic attacks and disassociating "zone out" episodes for a few years now. But this past weekend, I was somewhere in between. I was "present" but, I really couldn't tell if I was or if I was dreaming. I was scared. I was soo worked up, I couldn't figure out how to put my clothes on! My mother and boyfriend had to help me and reassure me that I was indeed "here" and I was ok. I feel like I'm really losing my mind again. I'm freaked out. I'm currently back in a partial day program and can't seem to speak without jumping all over the place. I'm rambling now and I am not quite sure how much of what I wrote makes sense. I just really feel that there has got to be some evil connection to menopause and ptsd. It's hard to find solid literature about it to help me express it properly in my groups. #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #menopause #Seizures #PanicAttacks #Parenting #Dissociation #scared ##

Im in the middle of a med change... Ive hit the point of my anxiety where my thoughts point me to 'everyone' and I do mean everyone hates me. The guy in the car driving behind me that I don't know, my family and friends, the random stranger walking down the street. It is exhausting having these thoughts going around in my head all day. Even thought I know they are not true, they are still there and playing a loop in my mind.

I wake up and I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. i am not good enough and I feel like I don't belong here. Will my fiance find a better man? Someone who is not withdrawn or insecure. Someone who is able to enjoy things, smile, and be excited. Will my kids judge me for how I look, what I've done, or who I am when they are older? I don't know where to go and I feel trapped. Trapped inside my mind. Trapped by my fears and insecurities. # #Anxiety #PTSD #Suicide #Losingmymind #LosingMyself #lost

I always have a feeling that my boyfriend isn’t being true but I have no reason not to trust him...he spoils me and calls me during his breaks.
#Losingmymind

She gone for vacation. I thought I was going to lose it as I walked out of the office. I burst into tears when I reached my car. She said all I needed to do was to be here when she gets back. She is the only person I could talk to the only one that cares if I live. I don't know what I'm going to do.. I looked down at my fitbit and my pulse was 116bpm. Full blown panic attack. Its 6 pm and I'm going to my room. I don't know what else I can say. Now I am really alone. #Losingmymind