rant

#rant I've felt like an alien all my life. All psychiatrists and psychologists I've ever consulted said I couldn't possibly have autism.
Well, I got an evaluation in a specialized center, and guess what? I have ASD.
I feel like I've been gaslighted for years.

I finally have a confirmation that the struggles I had growing up were not because I was not making an effort, or because I wasn't good enough.

I am so happy to finally know a bit more of who I am, but it is also hard to come to terms with it.

I'm struggling a lot with my neuro health right now. I was diagnosed in January with a 5mm pituitary microadenoma. For those struggling to imagine this, take a kidney bean, and place the top of a pencil eraser on it. That's the size of my tiny, noncancerous tumor. What nobody seems to understand is that, no matter how un-cancerous it is, the dang thing is still there. I have a mass in my brain. It doesn't help me to hear "Oh it could be worse, at least its not [insert cancer type name here.]" I want people in my life besides my boyfriend to acknowledge that I do in fact have a tumor, and that its okay to be scared of it. I just wish I could tell them without them interrupting me. Oh well.
Thanks for reading.

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I’m otherkin. I do not identify as a human spiritually. Yes, this is real. Being otherkin is not a pessimistic or degrading identity. It is real, and it is often involuntary. I can’t control how I feel, and I’m okay with that because there’s nothing wrong with it. No, it is not “cringe”, screw cringe culture.

I hate being called human. I hate emotions exclusively being called “human”. I hate being associated with “human”. I hate the idea that emotions exclusively make us “human” because I don’t identify as a human being, and not everyone in a “human”-like body identifies as a human being. It’s act very stressful and invalidating whenever I run into these common ideas and phrases.

It’s why I can’t really read most things mental health-wise. I wish, but I get very dysphoric being called a human 10 times in one article. I understand it may be mostly scientific, but still. I do understand that most of the population is human-identifying, but so are those who are straight, who are cisgender, who are in the gender binary (male or female), and who are monogamous, and groups outside of them often get ignored in articles, too, and I’m outside of those groups as well! It’s so tiring… After (still) grieving over what I wrote in the last post, I don’t need to be called a human constantly.

I apologize if any of this sounds rude. I do not mean so in the slightest. I just wish that us otherkin individuals would be more recognized in society, and the dysphoria sucks…

#rant #otherkin #Vent #MentalHealth #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #stressed #ThisHasBeenNotAGoodDay

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Look. I completely understand that individuals out there need to make money. Especially after that year and event that shall not be named (it’s actually very uncomfortable when the names of worldwide events in 2020 are brought up), but this crap has gotten too far and bigger businesses are taking this for their greedy advantages. And I’m starting to feel like this is just an American thing here.

In my city, no matter where you look, there’s ads. Everywhere. We already had ads on buses, but now ontop of that, we have ads on a whole side of buses. I have to look down like 5 more times than usual just to avoid things that could possibly be triggering.

Google, an already billion dollar company, makes it a big problem for adblockers to work permanently, which is a problem for me because the exact reason I have an ad blocker is mainly to avoid ads that could possibly be triggering and uncomfortable to me, especially when I already deal with anxiety and other specified trauma disorder. And I hear that they’re about to make it even MORE harder, too this year (then again, they said that about last year)…

Some of my favorite websites are now declining their own reputations. One used to have one or two ads that lets you use its content for free, but now there’s literally 6 ADS everytime I go to an character maker page!! It is WAY too distracting to even focus on who I’m making…

Oh, and let’s not forget about inflation rates here being stupidly high. A bottle for allergies, for example. They have different tablet amounts for different prices. My mother bought me the largest amount of pills (100) and said that they used to be a lot cheaper, but now they’re $50. $50??? I couldn’t believe it until I looked on Amazon. $50 for allergy pills??? I get that it’s the highest amount, but 1) none of the other pills are close to that amount, and 2) it’s still a small bottle.. just with a larger amount. I could go on and on about so many other things being affected by how cheaper things used to be…
(Edit: They are now $38 as of March 22, 2024, but what a crazy price to boost up to for a temporary time.. and their list price is literally $49.99)

To those who argue that they just need the money, I get that. It’s not always easy especially if you’re running a smaller business or going solo, this rant is really towards the bigger companies. And to those who are mad at me for using an adblocker, please don’t be mad at me, as I mentioned before, some ads are very triggering for me to see. I will say that if you’re able to handle the ads, then please do go without an adblocker to help support those who need it.

But this has gotten too far. It’s like this American society and the internet is being brainwashed by this whole thing of money. “See this ad, pay this for that, oh guess what this item has a higher price now and you have to pay for it!!” Many big companies and websites are showing their true colors and are becoming more and more greedy as I speak, which is pretty sad. Smaller businesses are struggling because of this. This society has forgotten about the poor and making it much easier for folks/folx to get in poverty, especially for those who are non-white and LGBTQ+ (like me)! I thought we were supposed to be solving these issues, NOT ENCOURAGING THEM!

I want to start a protest. Or at least encourage one, because I don’t think this is right. This shouldn’t be happening as much as it is right now. It’s TOO much. But with anxiety, autism, and a trauma disorder, I’m not a fan of going outside to bring up the message, and social accounts I’ve stopped due to witnessing lots of cyberbullying and just drama nonsense, so I’d rather avoid posting on those sites, either. Is there any other way for me to spread this message, maybe similar to Change.org?

#inflation #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #Poverty #rant #Vent #Allergies #TooFar #SocietyIsBecomingTooGreedy #MoneyInflation #AmericanProblems #Protest #ThisIsNotRight #Capitalism #money

Yesterday (24-2-24 yes I love the way that looks) was my 33rd birthday. I am so very thankful for the kind humans that send me congratulations in many forms and the kind friend I had a wonderful high tea with! AND I hate my brain for focusing on the few that seem to have forgotten. It sucks so much joy from what is a joyous day to scroll past all the still to be read names in my messages to zero in on the ones that were silent, it is not fair to all my wonderful friends AND not fair to me. Let me enjoy my day, PLEASE, just this one day. I've been working toward so many long dreamed up goals but this weekend I'm just frustrated to see what my mental health is stealing from me. The panic that immediately sets in that nobody likes me, the dark voices that tell me I'm trash and this confirms it, the hope for the future that evaporates and fogs up my glasses. The work is so hard and there is still so much further to go. #Anxiety #Depression #PeoplePleaser

I didn't call my Dad on Father's Day. I forgot to but mostly I didn't want to. I said I would call the next day, but I started dissociating, and just rotting in my bed not wanting to leave. I feel guilty for not calling and the longer I leave it, I know the conversation is gonna be more uncomfortable. I know that he will make me feel worse about it, he always does.

I have recently started to deal (mostly think) about the relationship I have with my Dad. I'm scared. I don't want to deal with this. I don't remember ever seeing my parents as perfect. I understand that they are flawed, they are human. But I worry that I truly don't know my Dad. I try to but he doesn't let me. My mum thinks my dad shows traits of narcissism, when I read about it, I just shut down. When I try to think of him, I can’t seem to remember anything. I was upset with my Dad and I told him and I said that I will tell him soon. Then my grandmother died, his mum. Everyone wanted me to just tell him wants wrong so he didn't have to deal with not being close to me and losing his mother at once. I was going to tell him why, but before I could my auntie told me that I should be more grateful that he is in my life at all. I know she is just projecting her own issues onto me, But it still made me feel guilty and like I'm being dramatic. When I tried to tell him, I just couldn’t do it, the word got trapped, and then I couldn’t even remember what I wanted to say. I just started to cry a lot. I every time I'm around him I feel like I become an obedient child again.

I'm trying to write him a letter my counsellor says this might be a better way. But when I try to I just freeze and forget want I wanted to say. I want to at least tell my Dad the problem so that maybe he can change like my mum did. But I feel so unable to. I worry constantly that he might die - this is mostly irrational. But I worry about not being close to him before he goes, I love him but it hurts.

I'm also upset with him because it was my birthday not long ago, I just turned 21, and he didn't call. I was anxious about talking to him so in some ways I'm glad he didn't but it also really hurt me that he didn't call. Feels like he is punishing me. He avoids explaining why he didn't call when I asked and instead told me he got surgery on his eye recently. He does this often, when he is angry with me for something he tells me something bad that has been going on with him and then never mentions it again, even when I ask.

Any advice would be appreciated

#rant #daddy issues #narcissism #Family

I know this isn't really a site for trauma dumping but I need to vent. My therapy sessions have been shortened and there is a chance that I may lose my therapist. This is creating anxiety that I don't need. My therapist told me that we will continue sessions until I hear of news of any changes. Therapy has helped tremendously as it gives me a safe and non judgmental space to talk about the trauma and abuse I survived and its aftereffects. Given that I therapy is one of the few things that makes me feel safe and validated, I don't want to lose it. Perhaps I'm too reliant on state paid therapy but it has been a life saver, literally. I am also on a plethora of medications to manage my mental health and the idea of losing that is frightening because I remember life before I was medicated, it wasn't good.

I know I should look at this as an opportunity to use my coping skills and to try to find new services but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I detest the fact that I was abused because it never should have happened. I know this isn't polite to say but the people that have hurt me can forget all about me. I've forgotten about them. The aftereffects of the trauma stretch far beyond mental illness. It has effected every area of my life and while I am working towards healing, I hate how it even happened to begin with. That I have to live with the effects of other people's choices.

I know life isn't fair but sometimes it really irks me. I try to be positive and productive but sometimes it doesn't work. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but sometimes it really gets me down that I went through what I did. I hate how the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral or a crying spell. I just want to live life without the confines of my past. Like they say, you can't change the past. It's this that bothers me. There are so many things that I wish were different but the reality is, they aren't. Reality acceptance is something I struggle with. I feel like I have come so far in my healing journey but sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards.

I just want to go on with my life without this crippling emotional and mental anguish. I suppose that's just what I have to do. I am grateful for so much but sometimes being grateful can't outweigh the pain I endure. I get really down sometimes and kinda angry because I there isn't much I can do about what I survived. I know I shouldn't live in the past and should enjoy the present but sometimes my past looms over me and I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do sometimes.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate it. This site and community have been a blessing. And I appreciate all of you. We are all warriors here. Stay safe and blessed.

-Anastasia

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #rant #help #Therapy

My therapist told me yesterday that life is unfair. This sounds cliche and it probably is but it is reality. This I know. However I think I've dealt with enough of life's unfairness (at least for a while). I had 12 years of my life stolen from me by a man that was supposed to love and care for me. That didn't happen. Instead I was subjected to years of sexual abuse and was sexually assaulted. I was emotionally abused by a woman that was supposed to care about my feelings but didn't and still doesn't. All this pain is relatively fresh because the abuse only ended a few years ago. I feel that I have put in so much work through therapy and in my life in general to heal and yet even that doesn't seem good enough.

Maybe part of me doesn't want to accept the reality. That's something I need to work on. I often judge myself for many things and I want to work on this but at the moment I can't. I am too overcome with emotions to do that. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, confused. All the emotions I felt shortly after my trauma, I am feeling them again. On top of life being unfair by not allowing me to see a sibling that I miss and love very much. I cry over the whole situation sometimes yet I know my abusers aren't crying over me.

Somedays I think about giving up, I feel completely defeated like I do now. I know that it's a mindset but it's a hard one to get out of. Especially when I feel so helpless. There are so many factors in the situation that I have no control over, mainly other people unfortunately. And I have to accept this too. I can just add it to my list of things I have to accept. I know that I should look for a positive (my therapist says that a lot) but I don't think I can right now. I guess I just need to sit with my emotions right now.

I'm just so emotionally and mentally tired right now. Part of me wishes I couldn't feel anything right now. I'm tired of the emotional pain. Tired of feeling this way. Yet there appears to be nothing I can do. I'm just at a loss right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #rant #Life #frustrated #needhelp

Feeling exhausted with the struggle today - seems not matter how hard I fight I get no where and it’s tearing me apart.

I am an academic person . But the long lasting effects of child abuse the impact is so long reaching, the neglect of never having had a person support me through school and decision making for my future. The issue of the ptsd flashbacks that happened when my abuser tried to hunt me down in my undergrad. The way that left me. I hate it. I hate how far behind I am in life and I am filled with this toxic venomous seething rage . I am so angry. I want to destroy things I want to cry I want to starve myself I want to scream. It isn’t fair. The world isn’t fair. But they fucked up my future and I have been struggling and fighting for so long. So long. So long. To try and get somewhere trying to fix things to save money to develop a life. And I’m still broke, I’m still not working in anything meaningful and I am tired. My soul is tired. I never got any support because I could still put myself through school (at 85lbs fasting for weeks, having flashbacks and cutting) I still worked and so if you can mask your pain enough not to be a problem to society then it’s acceptable to just let you suffer. I have so much rage and I feel so powerless. #rant #Vent #realisationofimpact #failure #ChildAbuse

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes! I hate the emotional instability of #BipolarDisorder and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . I am almost always fluctuating between not only mania and depression but also anger and annoyance. I will go from being fine to being anxious, or being fine and then feeling down. I honestly don't know how I do it. I just feel so emotionally unstable somedays. I hate to tell people I feel this way because I don't want them thinking that I'm also mentally unstable. Most people don't realize that Bipolar and BPD have to do with emotions. I partially blame the abuse that I went through because I that can mess things up. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over what happened but I can't help but think that the abuse has something to do with it. I know it can also be inherited. Yet, no matter how stable I try to be, it's the intensity that always gets me. I react so strongly to the most meaningless of things that it makes me feel bad afterward. When I'm sad, I'm depressed. When I'm happy I'm manic, when I'm scared, I'm anxious and when I'm angry, I'm furious. There seems to be no in between and it is physically and mentally exhausting. It makes me angry at myself, why can't I just be emotionally stable like other people? Like I said, it could be a combination of genetics and abuse. And that is why I get angry for being abused. It wasn't my fault but I feel like it messed up my development. I was a child when it began and it ended only a few years ago. So I think it's safe to say that the abuse has something to do with it. But this rant isn't about having been abused. That's something else. I just want to know that I'm not alone in this. What have you done to cope if you have BPD? I am in therapy so I am already doing that. Honestly, I hate being this way sometimes.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #rant #frustrated #CheckInWithMe