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Fathers Day

I didn't call my Dad on Father's Day. I forgot to but mostly I didn't want to. I said I would call the next day, but I started dissociating, and just rotting in my bed not wanting to leave. I feel guilty for not calling and the longer I leave it, I know the conversation is gonna be more uncomfortable. I know that he will make me feel worse about it, he always does.

I have recently started to deal (mostly think) about the relationship I have with my Dad. I'm scared. I don't want to deal with this. I don't remember ever seeing my parents as perfect. I understand that they are flawed, they are human. But I worry that I truly don't know my Dad. I try to but he doesn't let me. My mum thinks my dad shows traits of narcissism, when I read about it, I just shut down. When I try to think of him, I can’t seem to remember anything. I was upset with my Dad and I told him and I said that I will tell him soon. Then my grandmother died, his mum. Everyone wanted me to just tell him wants wrong so he didn't have to deal with not being close to me and losing his mother at once. I was going to tell him why, but before I could my auntie told me that I should be more grateful that he is in my life at all. I know she is just projecting her own issues onto me, But it still made me feel guilty and like I'm being dramatic. When I tried to tell him, I just couldn’t do it, the word got trapped, and then I couldn’t even remember what I wanted to say. I just started to cry a lot. I every time I'm around him I feel like I become an obedient child again.

I'm trying to write him a letter my counsellor says this might be a better way. But when I try to I just freeze and forget want I wanted to say. I want to at least tell my Dad the problem so that maybe he can change like my mum did. But I feel so unable to. I worry constantly that he might die - this is mostly irrational. But I worry about not being close to him before he goes, I love him but it hurts.

I'm also upset with him because it was my birthday not long ago, I just turned 21, and he didn't call. I was anxious about talking to him so in some ways I'm glad he didn't but it also really hurt me that he didn't call. Feels like he is punishing me. He avoids explaining why he didn't call when I asked and instead told me he got surgery on his eye recently. He does this often, when he is angry with me for something he tells me something bad that has been going on with him and then never mentions it again, even when I ask.

Any advice would be appreciated

#rant #daddy issues #narcissism #Family

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January is 10 Days In!

Hello Everyone.
Welcome to another episode of #WhatOnEarthIsHappening ! 🤣

My emotions nose dived today like as if I was flying in an air plane circus show. #emotional time periods are not the best times, but they can be #Valuable when we have #Anxiety . I started to #think about all of these things that I have experienced so far since my father had died in March 2022.

When my #Dad passed away... I lost my favorite pain in the @$$. I was his favorite too. I #Love and #MISS my Dad so much. #Death is not an easy thing to #handle . But while I was #dealing with the #Lose of my Dad, I had them lost my job right after coming down with a terrible #illness .

It was a nightmare for me how I #lost my #Job and my #daddy all in such a short time span. I haven't found another job since because I have not mentally been #prepared for #MentalHealth is something that needed to be worked on as I am still #grieving over my father and my job.

So... Here I am... #RidingTheWaves that come in and out in my mind. Sometimes I just need to #RollWithIt and do what I need to do in the best way I can,.. even if it isn't my usual best. #Trying is better than #denying and #Procrastinating .

I must start small.
If I want a #Job ... I should try a small part time job somewhere. Maybe a retail job.. but.. even #Retail can be #stressful these days. It's getting #worse now that #AnxietyDisorder is getting stronger or more intense with me. But I will do my #best to #KeepWalking onward.

Do you have any words of encouragement for me?


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#LosingAParent #daddy 'sGirl #MyFirstBestFriend

#Grief On Thursday I found out my my dad's long cancer had spread to his brain. The doctors gave him 2 months at most. Over the weekend he has already gotten dramatically worse. I went to see him yesterday even though I wasn't meant to due to Covid restrictions. I had to go say goodbye to him before he goes. He means the world to me. He also told me that I am worthy of love, it's like he knew exactly what I needed to hear when even I didn't. He always knew what to say to me. He made me feel loved when I felt like the whole world hated me. I am going to miss him so much.
I know that I can keep going after he's gone because he taught me how to. He taught me that it's not a weakness to lean on others for strength. He taught me that even if I can't or don't love myself that others love me because I am worthy of being loved.
We are all worthy of being loved, by ourselves and others. #worthy #Selflove #LovingOthersAsWellAsOurSelves

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Dear Dad.

Your addiction is fucking KILLING ME!!! #Addiction #daddy I can’t seem to manage today, emotions are getting the best of me.

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