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Being a DUFF in this economy 😥 #

In need of someone to vent to with available spoons (audio if possible) over just shit that is both in and out of my control and after being on such a high and dropping back low into a depression so quickly and suddenly and its just so much to process

#BodyImage #Bipolar1 #Poverty #spoons #audio #BipolarDepression #Anxiety

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Insomnia? Or, bad habits.

I have been in a pattern, of going out to do errands, via walking and public transportation, ignoring the weather, as we continued to get too-cold weather and precip.
Then, zoning out in my apt afterwards, recuperating, from that, and the interpersonal and environmental stresses of the errands, themselves (differences, and problems).
Was up in the middle of the night, as I still had to do the dishes, and my teetWhat if it's the stress of these errands, and the conditions, causing the burnout?
Could I afford to (and wait for), delivery for some of these thiUvdud have problems with some of my deliveries (why I didn't want to do that).
Can I fix that?
And I need to be here, to clean up my apt from mess.
It is better here than it was, but there's still a ways to go.
I wanted to put this down, so it's cohesive, and I can work on it.
Glad for this website, and the opportunity to do that.
#Decluttering , Up All Night group, #Fibromyalgia /accidents, # osteoporosis, #varicose veins w/leg ulcer, #Trauma & separation issues, #Poverty , #Anxiety , #aging



I almost died fighting 7 years just to receive my SSI benefits. now that I'm a survivor, SSA doesn't give me much to survive off of. I'm forced into a life of poverty which isn't fair. Yet, the government continues to give more funding to other groups of people, whom are not chronically ill. Please visit my website upliftthedisabled.org, to learn more about my story. #HealthCare #Disabled #myasthenia Gravis #social security #Poverty




it's not that I don't think life is worth living, but I'm not sure my life is, where im under-employed and mentally-ill and trauma fucked, living in my abusive parent's wreck if a house with 8 other people including my fiancee after we had to move back because she had to go on partial disability this year because of a sudden onset of a not otherwise specified psychotic disorder. we've used all our savings and racked up debt and every week is more terrible things. truly, weekly. a foot sprain, a violent stomach bug, the flu, brochitis, a shelf collapsed on me and I have nerve damage in a couple fingers, yesterday we found out our cars transmission is going and we have no way to replace it. when it goes we are 100% fucked. I don't know if my fiancee will ever be able to work or be herself again and I have no one to talk to about it because SHE was my peeson. my health insurance was suspended, I work in schools and they're closed two weeks for covid-19, which means lost pay. I have no resiliency anymore. a lightbulb goes out and I lose my mind. I've started self harming again and binge drinking. it genuinely feels like it helps because I'm not feeling all of this all the time, I can't do it. after I hurt myself I'm calmer and can clean my room, if I'm drunk I'm usually easily distracted enough to not spiral. I have a therapist and a case worker and a trauma support group, but the support group gets cancelled from lack of participation and my therapist works in schools and has a limited schedule and my case worker hasn't started yet because I'm waiting for her to finish when current case load. it's not enough, not for how fast it's all falling on me. I have no family who can help me, all of my friends are so removed from these kinds of lives; they're engineers and work in pharmaceuticals and are real people. I feel disgusting and embarrassed next to them, I don't want to talk about my life. we are from two different worlds, I just want them to stop looking at me. I don't want to acknowledge my life in front of them. I just want to die. I don't know what I'm going to do!!! I know there are options with my county aid MAYBE and places to call and things to do but I've wasted my time on so many options and lost so much time on missed phone calls and from answering machines and not getting calls back and from the wrong paperwork. it takes so long and I am so empty. I feel crushed by how many things keep going bad. and I know like. life is random and I might have just gotten a fucking shit one. if I had didn't have to take care of my fiance right now I don't even know what I'd do. #Desperate #Trauma #help #suicidal ideation #Depression #PTSD #Poverty #Support #scared I honestly don't understand the hash tags, haha.

1 comment

Without a Car... Again

I got in an accident and totaled my car last week. It was my fault and I only had liability insurance so I won't be getting help from insurance. I'm feeling ok. At first I was stiff and sore but I feel better now. The main problem is that I can't afford to replace my car, because I'm on disability. I've been relying on the bus, and it isn't that good. The bus that comes near my apartment only runs until about 6 pm and comes about once an hour. I'm looking to move somewhere near the main bus routes and a more walkable neighborhood. I'll be spending at least $100 more on rent to live in those locations, but I'll save more than that by not having a car.

Some of my friends have said I've been acting manic since the accident. I have bipolar disorder. It was traumatic, so that's probably why. I haven't been sleeping as well and have been having racing thoughts. I see my counselor tomorrow for the first time since it happened. I will talk to her about this. I also have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I had it scheduled before the accident. I'm doing the best I can. #Trauma #Poverty


How do you fight with no resources? #ChronicIllness #Poverty

I can't work- can't walk most of the time- can't think the other half of the time. I have no money- no insurance- no benefactor. Family is unsupportive. I'm new to the area and friends are in short supply. New friends I wouldn't burden with my pain. They are new and don't deserve to have this disaster thrown into their lives. I'm not their responsibility. I-Me-Alone am responsible. #EhlersDanlosSyndrome  #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #CCI #ChronicPain


I am scared that I might need dentures or “work towards” no teeth? I am scared

What do you do when you have the most minimal dental coverage but need much much more #scared #Poverty #Fear }#BiliaryAtresia #IfYouFeelHopeless #DistractMe #BiliaryAtresia Is #helplessness

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The paralysis.

The paralysis of having a functional life. Overwhelmed. Upset. Very little support and understanding.
I don’t get out of bed. I can’t sometimes.
Buried in paperwork I don’t comprehend.,important. Medicaid. SSDI. SSI. Legal/custody stuff. Taxes .
I’m constantly failing. I get in a funk. Never know how to get out. No home, a shared room with my daughter. No car. No city buses. No money for transportation. Food stamps. I had big dreams in the fall. To start a new plan with my mate.
He has pretty much destroyed it all due to addiction. I m silenced, dont know how to get through bearing the load. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EatingDisorders #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ADHD #Anxiety #Poverty #Addiction #Selfharm


Inequity of #Poverty in #EDS

Today was a hard day. I went to the geneticist to formalize my “provisional clinical diagnosis” of EDS. It didn’t really work out like I’d spent the last four months hoping.

I come from “humble beginnings.” We always had medical insurance from the state, my mom was disabled but I didn’t know why as a kid and turns out she didn’t really know why for a long time. People don’t realize that sort of upbringing means fighting hard for appointments, treatments, diagnosises. You don’t get surgeries or new clinical trial treatments. You get whatever that doctor, who is so bogged down with patients, has the time to tell you.

My mom for years struggled with health problems. I did as a child too. So did my brother and little sister. Doctors wrote us all off. Except my mom had things that would show up on scans, like degenerating discs. She was always in pain. She didn’t get diagnosed with hEDS until she was almost 40. No one ever told her she needed a formal diagnosis from a geneticist, though no one really questioned hers.

Today, I found that coming from poverty means, for someone like me who needs to show “positive family history,” there’s a huge hurdle. My doctors don’t believe my mom or brother have it because I don’t have proof other than them telling me they were diagnosed.

I guess though, since she was diagnosed before the changed the criteria, her diagnosis doesn’t count as positive family history even if I had a paper saying she had it. She doesn’t have the ability or resources to seek out a new evaluation for me.

I brought my provisional diagnosis based on the new criteria, diagnosed by my rheumatologist. The geneticist started out telling me I might not really have EDS. She then did the exam and said my skin wasn’t stretchy enough, but I was Hypermobile so I was “on the border.” She said I needed to give her proof. My brother was diagnosed with hEDS last year, but he didn’t have any paperwork to give me. He said no one ever questioned his diagnosis, but his skin doesn’t lie. And today, my hands were puffy and swollen so my skin didn’t stretch.

My brother said he’ll get it for me. But until then this woman stripped away the only answer I had, an answer that’s taken years to obtain, an answer I got only a few short months ago from a doctor whom I respected and thought was very intelligent.

I never even knew I was Hypermobile. I thought since my mom was more I was not. But the pain, the joint problems, the fact I can hardly use my hands or do things like my hair and makeup... the migraines the left sided abdominal pain that no one can explain to me. These things didn’t matter to her. She just took away the diagnosis.

I’ll bring her the proof when my brother provides it. Til then I’ll twiddle my thumbs. She suggested seeking pain management but if no one believes I have pain how can I do that? I feel defeated. But I won’t give up, no matter the hurdle.

#EDS #Hypermobility #Pain #Diagnosis #frustrating


Persistent Poverty. COLA doesn't matter.

Social Security Disability went up this year and I’m STILL 12 dollars a month BELOW the poverty level. :(
SSD is based on your income while employed and because my health has always been a mess in some way or another, during the couple decades I did work I pretty much never had a paid income above the poverty level.

And that small COLA doesn't matter, makes no real difference, because the poverty level threshold went up & retail prices for various goods, services, foods, also went up.
Income to price relationships are still the same, it's just that the numerals are now all a couple percentage points bigger.

"HHS Poverty Guidelines for 2019
The 2019 poverty guidelines are in effect as of January 11, 2019."

"Cost-of-Living Adjustment (COLA) Information for 2019          Social Security and Supplemental Security Income (SSI) benefits for more than 67 million Americans will increase 2.8 percent in 2019.
            The 2.8 percent cost-of-living adjustment (COLA) will begin with benefits payable to more than 62 million Social Security beneficiaries in January 2019. Increased payments to more than 8 million SSI beneficiaries will begin on December 31, 2018. (Note: some people receive both Social Security and SSI benefits.)"

#Disability #Poverty #Autism #ChronicIllness