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The Day God Said No Part 2 #Suicide #miracle #redemption #Hope #god #MentalHealth
I was so excited to be able to see him again. Seeing everyone who had passed before me thrilled me more than I can explain. And finally, I went to sleep, the a/c on high, and blowing right into my face, and a light cotton blanket across my body to keep the chill away.
I slept fitfully, and got up two more times in the night to relive myself, but jumped right back in. Otherwise, I never left that car, even to smoke a cigarette. I smoked inside my car with the windows up. I never smoked in my car before. It was gross. Eventually I fell into a deep sleep, and knew I wouldn’t wake up from it.
12 hours later, I woke up to the sound of what could only be a bird on my roof. I could hear it pecking at my roof as if to say “Hey, God said it’s time to get up now, your little stunt didn’t work!”. I sat up stunned and gazed at my clock. It was now 7pm the next day, and I quickly checked my gauges to make sure I was reading them correctly. I had burned a half tank of gas and been in this car of over 12 hours. More like 15 hours, and yet, here I was, still obviously alive. What the actual fuck, I screamed out loud! How could I still be here? I looked and listened to make sure my car, which was still running, which of course it was. It was humming its tune to me, the engine and a/c still blowing, as if to say, “Yep, we are still doing our job. Completely in shock, I stepped out of the car and into the parking garage and looked around, dazed and confused. How could I possibly still be alive??? It shouldn’t be. Scientifically speaking, I should be dead, and I knew it!
Flabbergasted, I walked around and checked the pipe, swaying a little as I was extremely lightheaded and weak, but apparently fine other than that. The socks were still intact. No exhaust was coming out of the pipe. Shaking my head and cursing under my breath in disbelief, I went around to the driver’s side and got into the front seat. I had used a half tank of gas but was still here! HOW?? I screamed to myself!!! Schock and anger took over. Angrily, I asked myself, now what? And I heard Gods voice again, plain as day. “Go home and write the book. I told you that you were divinely protected, but you wouldn’t listen. You can try again, but I assure you that you are simply wasting your time, “He said, firmly inside my head. “Go get some fresh air, and something to eat. You’ll feel better after that. “, He urged me gently.
I knew then without a doubt that I had witnessed a miracle, plain and simple. God had saved me, in spite of myself.
I didn’t wake up with a revelation. I didn’t suddenly feel whole, hopeful or healed. I woke up because God refused to let me die.
Fifteen hours. Three socks in the exhaust pipe. My engine still running. And me – still alive.
No one found me. No one rescued me, except Him.
When I stepped out of that car, I didn’t know what came next, but I knew this:
God had said no. And now He was saying GO. I don’t have all of the answers. But I do know one thing with terrifying, beautiful clarity: I’m still here. And if you are reading this, so are you. Maybe that’s the miracle we both needed.
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