selfesteemissues

Hi, my name is iris. I'm a 17, alt/fairygrunge/dark academia/indie/y2k/cybery2k or punk darkskin black girl who lives in GA. I'm here because I feel alone. Very lonely. I feel like my mind and issues are way "too-much" for everyone and everything. I have loving ppl in my life. I just still feel alone. I want to not only educate others who "think" they "get it", but also find out more about myself and confirming my own thoughts and knowing i'm not "faking it", "Trying to make others feel bad", "making it all about me" "being too sensitive or not having thick skin" "complaining" "being self absorbed or too entitled" "doing this on purpose for attention or pity to benefit me in any way" "lazy" and on & on. Being a christian who loves God so so so much is hard since i deal with mental illness, its not that i "don't have faith strong enough". I also deal with sexual trauma/abuse , ADHD, depression & anxiety, negative self-esteem, being lesbian (and devout-progressive-christian) and really feeling free and comfortable in my sexuality and also not be ashamed in any community (especially since im black, my lovely gf is boricua (puerto rican) we're Long-distance btw), i have a story to share as you can see but i wanna learn about myself and others. So I wanna read everyone else's book too :) be safe you're amazing, you may not believe it but I hope eventually you can. It's hard, it's ok not to be ok, I'm here and I love you. I'm also so so very proud of you for just existing. Also off topic just thought of it but i really wanna start to have hobbies i love so im starting with pottery and harp playing so if you experienced enough and have been for at least 4 months consistiently (dont feel bad if you aren't cutie) then pls HELP A BLACK PERSON OU- yes :) ALSO IM LEARNING VIETNAMESE SPANISH AND FINISHING/REVIEWING *again more* KOREAN I NEED HELP- anyways by for now i really typed to much, more than i shouldv'e it 2:08 Friday june 10 i need sleep byieee & Mwah<3 listen="" to:="" "doll"-="" by="" shrimp="" "japaneese="" denim"="" -="" daniel="" caesar="" "the="" dress"="" dijon="" "hornylittlelovesickmess"="" girl="" in="" red="" "rider"-="" mereba="" "planet="" u"-="" "beige"-="" terrace="" martin="" ,="" arin="" ray="" "tek="" it"-="" cafune="" "haunted"-="" ralph="" castelli="" (and="" high,="" lonely,="" and="" morning="" sex="" him,="" he's="" one="" groovy="" alaskan="" dude)="" "old="" town"-="" say="" sue="" me="" (korean="" indie="" band)="" "if="" you="" only="" knew"-="" yayoung="" "nabi"-bbibi="" "miracle="" sun="" anthony="" green(="" harp="" cover)"-="" lizz="" vega="" *not="" the="" remix="" unless="" u="" want*="" contact="" if="" want="" more="" song="" recs="" i="" guess,="" its="" a="" mix="" of="" alot="" so="" yea.="" be="" safe="" please="" get="" snack="" know="" thought="" eating="" is="" lowkey="" annoying<33="" *p.s="" said="" anything="" that="" invalidated="" (even="" we="" have="" similar="" struggles)="" im="" sorry="" love="" you,="" didn't="" mean="" it="" mk?="" promiseies="" yes="" promiseies)="" *<33!!="" #ADHD #Depression #Anxiety #selfesteemissues #progressivechristian #Christian

Sometimes i feel like when i talk, i seem like a little kid. My voice is soft and young for my age. Or people will talk down to me. Or when they talk some will talk like they are talking to a kid. I have a learning disability (Intellectual disability) Which i read has a connection to Autism? Sometimes i wonder if i have some traits of it. I lack social skills and i'M bad with communication,. Yes you guessed it. i'M a shy person. That is just how sometimes i feel like i come across to people and how special i feel treated. #LearningDisabilities #shy #Autism #Anxiety #Depression

I had written a long post on here about feeling awful. Cold sweating, mild derealization, cloud headed, depressed, achey. I didn't think that my lack of sleep was the problem. I still don't, exactly. But let me explain.

I have a habit of assuming that my bipolar II depression symptoms are just my baseline, but that is only sometimes true. When things really bother me, there is a difference and I need to get better about recognizing that.

I couldn't sleep last night and didn't know why. But I realized a minute ago that my lack of sleep came after a day of intense anxiety and ptsd symptoms.. and even after that, I had become depressed about the fact that my dad's birthday was tomorrow, and he's dead, and he never loved me...and all the feelings that went with that had spiraled into a whole self-hating, lonely thing.

Even when I stopped conciously thinking about it, I think my subconscious held on to it because I definitely had bad dreams in my half sleep. Bad dreams about not being wanted, or conversely about being wanted in a sexual manner, which for awhile was the only thing I felt I was good for.

So my lack of sleep was started by the depression, etc.

I think that I carried over into today. I feel physically and mentally awful. But that's what lack of sleep and heavy bad mental health symptoms and taking your meds late because of them does.

I don't know the mechanics of it, but at least now I know there's probably a reason.

#MentalHealth #PTSD #selfesteemissues #Bipolar2Disorder #Depression #Mysteryillness #mentalhealthisphysical
#Insomnia #CPTSD #Multiplediagnoses

Does anyone else have an issue with self esteem when your partner is watching something on tv and an attractive person comes on the screen and your self esteem gets hit like a ton of bricks? They don’t say anything about them and they love YOU but it’s still hurtful? Why? What’s helped you? #selfesteemissues #Selfesteem #Relationships #AdviceWelcome #Advice

I always doubt myself about being loved in the romantic sense. As the days go by, even with the COVID situation, I start feeling less appreciated. I feel like love will NEVER come to me naturally; I ALWAYS had to be “hunting it down” instead. Is it because I do not deserve appreciation or romantic type of love because of the way I am? Am I asking for too much? #Autism #Loveless #selfesteemissues

I had started swimming before the pandemic at a red center and it was going well. It has been the only form of exercise I have tolerated well with my #Fibromyaliga , PoTS, and #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis . I feel myself loosing muscle mass and I don’t want to let it go any further. Thank you!
#Depression #Anxiety #LivingWithPOTS #POTSLife #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #selfesteemissues #Selfesteem #CheckInWithMe

Part 2: I was devastated. He just threw me away as not good enough, too severe, too much to handle, because of my eating disorder. What i thought was building to be healthy, had just been ripped away. So that Wednesday i packed and I cried and I hated everything. Thursday, my car was packed, and i moved 8 hours back home. I was broken. I reached out to NEDA I was so desperate. I could win him back, couldn’t I?? Just recover and he’ll love me. Well that’s where I’m at now. I’ve contacted a facility. And they are working with my insurance to get something approved. The doctor suggested a higher level of care after my initial assessment. My behaviors are feeling more and more disordered as I wait for a response. I called this morning to try and hear some news, but she said she’d have to call me back. So I’m waiting. Trying to be patient. And not sink so low into this. Because it would be so easy right now. To say I’m done, I AM my eating disorder and will never anything more. I feel dramatic saying that, but waiting is so hard. And purging just “one more meal” can go on forever. If you’ve read all this, i appreciate just knowing you’re out there. And I hope you’re so safe and so much happier than I am. Because i wouldn’t want anyone on earth to feel like “because of who they are” they aren’t loved or good enough or don’t deserve to eat and keep that food. Xoxo Lex.

Part 1: So where even to begin? I’ve had issues since age 14/15? Mostly before i would just restrict and try to be in control. Except I had no clue what that looked like. I was just wildly taking away food, hoping for the best like it would make my life easier. Fast forward, I met a girl who taught me how to purge. And i saw her as the most beautiful success. Even as she was forced into treatment, damn was she strong. I wanted to be just like her. So that began my dive into restricting + purging. My life, love life specifically, suffered dramatically. I met a lovely woman, who changed my life. Mind you, I was already engaged to the “guy of my dreams.” I’ve always felt like bisexual was where i fall, but had never pursued it. But boy did she change things for me. I was free, I was in love... and I had to be the smallest for her. I had to be perfect. THIS thought, caused more problems for us than I could have imagined. Her ideal body type is lean, but with curves. Woah... everything I wanted to avoid. She was also a free spirit if i ever saw one. She lives her fullest life all the time. Whether it be drugs, extra ladies, buying a tiny dog just because she can, everything is her way. And I didn’t fit that mold. We eventually broke up. On top of dealing with a fiancé + budding my bisexual side, I met a guy online. I know, could it get any more dramatic?? Yes it can. Lol. I thought he was perfect. I was so open with him. He knew about my fiancé, my girlfriend, my eating disorder, that I’m on disability and don’t work. He wanted to build a life with me, a healthy life! I was convinced i was doing the right thing for ME this time. So i left my fiance, and moved 8 hours away at the beginning of the quarantine. I lived with him for a month. Things, I thought, were growing so well! I knew that starting a relationship like this wasn’t ideal. Especially since it would be the SECOND time we had ever seen each other in person, during a quarantine, moving in trying to do day to day life. 3(?) weeks later, things changed. Big time. I honestly, didn’t think much of it. I had just come off my period for a week, my first one with him, so I figured okay. We’re just learning each other. ThAts a pretty big first event for any couple. Learning cramps, cravings, sleepiness, I mean I’m sure y’all know! But things just kept getting more weird. A week later, we had not really made any progress. On a Tuesday night, we finished the show we were watching and i asked him to come to the bedroom for a little fun time. And he just said “I think we should talk for a while.” Wow. The dreaded we need to talk. Everything i thought we were working towards was in jeopardy. He said that because of “who i am as a person,” I need severe help. He was no longer attracted to me. Literally said, it feels like I just can’t physically be with you anymore. My self esteem issues were too much to handle. Those words were said, what I felt was YOUR EATING DISORDER WILL TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE