I'll start by asking for ya'll to go easy on me. I fought this fear for so long, and it's been a very difficult and jagged pill to swallow... I'm a female in her 30's and he's a male in his 30's. What started as a FWB thing, turned into a something much more that that. I'll spare you the lengthy details, but we've been seeing each other for over a year-- but we became serious around early spring this year ('26). Everything was great. Our communication, patience and understanding of each others perspective blossomed. We both worked to listen and support and comfort each other (this was a huge turning point from prior "ons".) It really felt like we were on a good path for the most part.
In the "good" three months did have to actively fight against accusations that I was cheating on him. It was devastating to me. I was accused more than once because he thought he heard moaning/humping in the background of our phone calls. To make a long story short, I reassured him time and time again; eventually the accusations stopped. Time went by and I continued to meet his family and go to dinner with them. But he came over one night and he dropped a bomb-- said we need to take it slow (everything had been on the up and up, for a few weeks). He pulled away (sex phased out, not very responsive via text, etc)-- this lasted for about two weeks (I was confused but didn't challenge it). We had made plans to meet up for the first time in a couple weeks, and little did I know, he had planned to break up with me. I took it in stride and was understanding.
He said it felt like he could feel himself slipping into "old patterns" and not being "intentional" and just "going with the flow" and keeping me at "arms length". I was supportive, and expected that to be it. But he continued to reach out, and I unfortunately responded. We met up a few weeks later to say goodbye so he "could work on himself and be the best version of himself for me"-- I know, some red flags were pinging. But I want so bad for that to be true.
Fast forward to Aug 1st (couple weeks ago and a little over just ONE week to "work" on himself) and he tells me he wants me back, and goes onto explain that he's moving away within the year. He then asks me if I would uproot my life, and follow him there. (He also asked to get intimate again, and I explained that I wasn't ready yet to enter that part of intimacy with him after the back and forth that's been between us recently; his demeanor changed (almost "pouty")-- red flag, I know.
Moving on: Then the next couple days were ok and "normal".... until he wakes me up early morning (6AM) and confesses that he has come to terms with the fact that he is a serial cheater. That it is something about himself that he is disgusted with, and doesn't know how to stop it (he says he has not done anything while we've been together). I cry, lose all ability to think, form words, concentrate. Again, another rug ripped out from under me-- especially at a time where I am so vulnerable. I felt lifeless. I was a shell of myself all day... and for days after that.
I know well enough this is a major push-pull dynamic, and it's so painful to love someone in this cycle. I know that there is nothing I could every do to change this. And in my heart, I know how this is going to end...however painful it will be. Please, if anyone out there reads this and has been in this... drop a word of encouragement for me. I am scared, lost and shattered
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