suicide attempt survivors

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Awesome #Lyrics to "The Light" by Disturbed.

It's ok with me for anyone to copy this, so they can enlarge it so is legable. But this awesome song delves into mental/emotional struggles & suffering and also is about facing issues & stuff ( I suggest that's done in therapy)Being in the dark & the importance of hanging on to Hope & seeing answers, etc., as Light shines upon the problems . That it's always Darkest - before the Dawn. 🌞#SuicidePrevention #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Depression

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TW partial suicidal ideation, swearing, death

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How the fuck do I go back and forth between “I really don’t want to die” and genuinely fearing death even though I’m 23 years old to wondering if I should’ve just been dead already?? Is positivity and negativity within me just a constant battle? Likely very much so. 😒

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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I think I know what’s going on with me, if anyone cares | TW trauma, family, school, one swear, slight suicidal ideation

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

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Meltdown

I had a meltdown because of all of this negativity from my mother, anxiety and all. It was too much. I stayed in my closet + blanket from 9:30am to 1:10pm. The nurses were looking for me and they were really anxious and worried but I couldn't unhide. I couldn't press the button to call the nurses. I just hid as I always do... I didn't even ate..

One of the nurses were really "heartbroken" I think because he tried to befriend me the past few days..

I just keep thinking what if my mother is the one in the truth ? What if I'm imagining everything? What if I just want to draw attention to me ?

#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PanicAttacks #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #PanicAttack #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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Update

I like it here. I love the nurses and people in this clinic.

My friend visited me this weekend it was so good I needed that.

Why ?

My mother went too far this time..

I hate her I hate everything and I'll never be able to recover because of her.

I don't know why it affected me somehow, but I jeep having panic attacks, migraines etc juste because of her.

#SuicidalThoughts #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #EatingDisorder #MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

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Clinic

Today, in a few hours, I'll be transferred to the clinic.

I visited it yesterday and I loved it. A friend has to bring me my stuff from my student appartement.

Changes are really hard for me. But it's better than this hospital. I hate hospitals. I hate the doctors and nurses here.

In a few hours, the first 48h I'll have no contact with the exterior (phone, visits, etc...) the first weekend no permission to leave for half a day or a day. Next weekend I'll be able to leave for half a day or a day.

Permissions are only for the weekends.

Phones are allowed between 2:30pm and 6pm except Thursday (1:30pm to 6pm).

It was either the clinic or the hospital anyway as I have no choice. Can't return home or anything.

Im scared, but im exited to leave this horrible hospital.

I asked if I could go with my friend to bring my stud but the hospital refused. I can't leave. But it's just better if it's me I know my stuff. I hate people going through my stuff. I hate that.

But I have no choices, so we'll FT and I'll guide her..

Healing is so scary. Visits are only from 4:30pm to 6pm weekdays and 2:30pm to 6pm weekends.

It's hard because I'll be alone. I know no one. I'm extremely shy and not comfortable for society.

I'm used to that one really close friend. She's my emergency contact and I'm her's too.

I hate new things l.

But I'll be okay, it's for my mental health so I can be okay..

Ill be okay..

Well I guess.. maybe one day...

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #EatingDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SocialAnxiety

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When Darkness Lost Its Voice

I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was 15 or 16.

I still don’t know how or why it began.

That moment marked the start of an invisible war within me—

a quiet, persistent pain that no one could see.

From the outside, everything seemed fine.

But on the inside, I was drowning in something I couldn’t explain.

Those thoughts lingered for years, always in the background,

whispering in moments of weakness,

trying to surface when I was most vulnerable.

I tried twice to leave this world. I didn’t succeed.

And whether that was unfortunate or fortunate, I don’t know.

But I’ve carried the weight of depression, anxiety, and a deep sense of worthlessness ever since.

There were times when the idea of “peace”

felt like the only way to end a pain I couldn’t name.

Even though life around me was "normal,"

my mind remained a dark, relentless storm.

I remember once, someone told me,

“If you really wanted to die, you would have succeeded.”

At the time, I felt rage—

how could they say that? They had no idea.

No idea what it’s like to wake up every day

battling a voice that tells you you don’t belong.

But looking back, maybe they were partially right.

Because deep down, I didn’t want to die—

I just wanted the pain to stop.

Over the years, I tried to heal in different ways.

There were still moments when that thought crept back in,

always lurking,

waiting for an opening.

And I kept asking myself:

Why do I feel this way?

What am I running from?

Why is it always dark?

Later, I learned my mother had suffered from severe depression and bipolar disorder.

And something about knowing that helped.

It wasn’t all my fault.

Maybe my brain was wired this way.

Maybe this was more than just me being "weak."

That realization gave me space to breathe.

And somehow, after all these years—

I don’t know how or when—

something shifted.

It wasn’t a loud change.

It was a quiet, sudden click.

One day, I simply thought:

I don’t want to die anymore.

I want to live.

I want to see more.

I want to feel the light.

And slowly—bit by bit—

the light began to shine through the cracks of my broken mind.

The thoughts that haunted me for so long?

They’re gone now.

And I don’t know how I survived… but I did.

I wish I could show others the way out—

but I know healing is personal.

It’s a fight that only you can face.

Still, if you’re reading this,

if you’re still here,

then please believe this:

There is still a crack in the darkness.

And through that crack,

a light is waiting to shine.

“This is something I’ve carried for a long time. I’m not sharing for sympathy—I’m sharing because I know someone else might need to know they’re not alone.”

#MentalHealth #DepressiveDisorders #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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I survived that night...

I am a General surgeon in my last year of residency. I always had a feeling of not being enough, worthless within me. I always feel I am not good enough. Not because someone blames me by saying this, but this feeling comes from my inside. I have an extremely supportive family, but still I feel this way. I just had a break up. I am totally aware I sabotaged my relationship single handedly. And today this is over. I feel suicidal in a overwhelming number of times and this night is such a night.I hope I survive this night and wake up next day, alive.

#SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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The Perfect Storm Poem

Trigger Warning: This poem contains sensitive topics, dark imagery and graphic depictions of suicidal thoughts. Keep in mind, this is just a poem and not to be taken out of context. Unfortunately for others to hear, I do have a rather dark-toned voice when it comes to writing stories in a poetry format. See this as self-expression and a way to transmute pain into art. As I am already seeking professional help.

If anyone is sensitive to this topic, please do not read further than this message. Your mental health is more important than my art.

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My arousal

Is it depart from this

God-forsaken planet

Permanently

Not tempted to look back

At the past mistakes

Filled with unfathomable regrets

How can I or anyone close forget?

The relationships

I have obliterated

And ended prematurely

Perhaps it would be

Sapient to fly off

The nearest cliff

To finally end the prolonged

Suffering once

And for all

Aspire to vanish

In the midst

Of a perfect storm

Or arrive at cosy

Setting that is warm

Who am I fooling?

I cannot live on

Like this

Spiralling into a

internal abyss

Inner peace

Shattered

Dreams and hopes

For the future

Battered

Into a million pieces

Before my eyes

As if my whole life

Have been a

Big fat lie

I often flirt with death

Through living in

A heedless manner

Who gives a toss

about a defective planner?

As I strolled

Through an eerie

Swamp

Appeared to be all in black

Absences of any hue

Colour it would lack

Descending into more

Intrusive thoughts

Then stumbled into

an invisible web

All caught up thus far

Accepting the entanglement

Just as peaceful

As a spa

Ironically….

Futile to break free

From my own shackles

Cannot saved through

my own insanity

Perplexed in the

Stygian and chilling swamp

Contemplating on

My life or future

In profound estrangement

And dread

Stream of tears

Began to shred

“Is this what I truly desire?”

I questioned

“Who am I leaving behind?”

If only I can

Rewrite the past or rewind.

#MentalHealth #Depression #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Loneliness #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety #Selfcare #SocialAnxiety #MightyPoets #Neurodiversity #SuicidePrevention #Poetry

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