whoami

I often think, not in a morbid kind of way what I want written on my gravestone. What encapsulates who I am in words. If anyone cares what I want, I want to be remembered with the words. She kept trying.

I’m Zoe
I suffer from depression anxiety and ptsd. I guess I’m here because I’m alone on this journey in discovering who iam while I finally own my mental illnesses. I’ve spent over a decade self medicating and pretending that no one ever knew I was suffering. Now I’m in therapy and I’m sober but I don’t know who iam without pretending. I love decorating and fashion that’s my cover up yet deep down I feel so worthless and ashamed of who iam wishing I could be normal. I have a 10Yr old who is closer to his dad and I guess he should be given the fact that I’ve struggled most of his life. Idk I most days wonder if I wasn’t here would it spare him the pain to have to call someone like me his mom. I hate crowds, I hate fun because it’s triggering for me. I only like to hide away! It’s like I’m suffocating and fading away at the same time! I’m that women who looks so well put together but inside she’s in her own hell!!! It’s like I’m waiting for some miraculous change and suddenly I’ll be ok and feel joy again! When I’m in pain I have no one to call I just have to suffer in silence! #Broken #depressed #insecurities #whoami

There is this feeling I grow so fondly of
The feeling too familiar yet I still cannot explain
I feel the waves crashing down on my calm waters
The waves ripple through my mind ripping away my memories
rip Away my thoughts
I feel myself ripped away
But still I feel myself going nowhere
I feel the pull of this anger
This sadness
This raw emotion
But then it’s ripped away
I feel this wave ripping through my mind taking away my emotions
Who am I when I feel everything ripped from me
Who am I when I am numb
Who am I really

#numb #moodswing #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #whoami #Poetry #MightyPoets

Just looking to swap some feelings or stories and fire up those different perspectives.
Trying so hard, but everything in life feeling so desperately elusive.
Anyone else up hopelessly toggling between denial and depression? #Jobloss #Fear #toomuch #Pain #hopelessness #whoami #BPD #panic #WhenThingsGoWrong #takingresponsibility #HeavyHeart

Knowing you love someone and that they love you but at the end of the day knowing Harley Quinn and the Joker didn’t last. I feel like Harley in birds of prey. #BPD it shouldn’t be so hard to be able to express myself or communicate. #Toxic feeling uncertain of myself and life. #nothinglastforever #whoami

One of my best friends dropped me a few months back, when I needed her the most, her youngest and my youngest daughter are best friends as well. She says " you are to much for me right now, ..."
I ask her 2 months ago if her daughter could come over to play " no I dont trust your environment, but izzy is more than welcome here"... fast forward to today" can G come over to play today at your house"
We literally haven't spoken.... like not even once ...... so her daughter is here.
I so desperately want to go back to pretending that everything was grand. Back to " normal "... but I know I wasn't ok. I know it wasn't healthy. I know I wasn't happy. So I have here over.... I feel so confused.
I need to separate myself for these feelings. I want izzy to have her friends it doesn't me that I have to like the parents lol.
Do you ever miss the before you??? The before yoy before the diagnosis?? It feel like a different life.
A different person.
How come I feel "worse" and have more lows and distinct highs now AFTER my diagnosis.?? Is it because I'm more aware now???
Does this get better.??
#whoami #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #thoughtoftheday #ThisIsMe #mybrainismush #mother #Diagnosis