angry

I’ll have #Gooddays & I’ll have bad, though I’m still constantly struggling with my #innerself daily. There are a lot of things I know I have to do, but either my #Anxiety gets worked up, or I’ll try to get it done, or I tell and/or give myself reminders & still somehow end up forgetting about it or I’ve become distracted.

I’ve noticed that my train of thought can now go all over the place. Which is why I now have a lot of notebooks that I could use if I needed to let it out.

When it comes to phone calls I need to make, or appointments to schedule… I spend hours worrying about the #Start - #during - & #End of the whole thing. Before I know it, I can’t call because they’re now closed. Of course now I’ve become #Irritated & #angry at myself.

It never used to be this hard. I know I need to find a job, even IF the job I had #terminated me in part of my #MentalIllness . I feel stuck with no #Positivity in site. & It doesn’t help that even with or without my anxiety ramping up, my #Pride will not let me ask for help.

But…
•I give myself a ‘thumbs up’ daily for getting out of bed.
• I cheer when I have motivation to shower.
• I pat myself on the back, in my mind of course… when I do laundry & put them away.

I still struggle with driving anywhere if I’m alone. Hunter, who is my furbaby soulmate, but also my #esa is always by my side, & either one of my sons or sometimes both would join me so I’m not freaking out while driving on the road.

I feel #Guilt that I’m not being the mom that they need me to be. I feel bad every single time I ask them for help (when I’m getting #overwhelmed trying to tidy up the house). I am mad that my #breakdown caused me to fail in my performance at work & that I #Struggled to do the things they asked of me (because I was never informed from the start that there was info that they could show me & help me with #FMLA ‘cause it would’ve been easy back then to get things in order than it was a couple of months ago). I felt #invisible . I felt my #Voice didn’t matter. I tried… all by myself… in the end, the company I loved working at didn’t give a … about me.

I’m sorry for ranting about nonsense. :(

I’m having difficulty with forgiveness right now. I listened to a YouTube video with the title “Grief - Pathway to Forgiveness”

I have so much to say I could not just reply the the post on forgiveness last week.

I had listened to that video hoping I would literally get some easy steps in how to forgive. Insteas it listed emotions associated with undisguised grief. Until I saw the list I didn’t even realize I was holding onto these emotions and they were blocking my ability to forgive.

For me until I let myself grieve for what created those feelings it would be very difficult to forgive those who caused them. “I need to grieve for what I deserved and didn’t get”. “For what I got and didn’t deserve”. This is not straight forward at all. Especially as I know grief is not linear.

Being raised by narcissists I was so disconnected to the point I consistently dissociated away from all feelings. So until I saw that list I couldn’t have articulated any of them for to anyone. I could try to explain and justify why I developed that strategy but I’m so tired. Tired of trying to prove that being gaslighted and scapegoated back to my earliest memory created so much difficulty, and suffering. This impacted my whole childhood up to this day. I literally accepted this treatment as “normal” until very recently. After years of therapy, emotional pain and suffering. This impacted every single friendship, romantic relationships and my work. It wasn’t even just my parents who gaslighted and scapegoated me. My 3 older siblings did too.

How do forgive 5 people who chose staying in their own denial so they could pretend they are all at peace at my expense. For years I was made to feel from anyone I ever had the courage to share my feelings, thoughts and perspective of my lived experiences. All got was more gaslighting and bullying. Unfortunately this made so vulnerable to others who had any level of a narcissistic personality style. In some cases unintentionally from people who thought toxic positivity was a cure to fix decades of what essentially was brainwashing. In my case I was brainwashed that I don’t matter. Doubting myself 24/7 about everyone and everything. Constantly accusing me that I was always blowing everything out of proportion, just being too sensitive and essentially made to feel I was making everything up. That how I experienced my life was figments, distortions

It is not easy or straightforward to forgive this. Even though I understand intellectually forgiveness is supposed to bring me peace and not to give my family a free pass for how badly they hurt me. Especially none of them are even willing to allow for any kind of healthy communication. I only get more and more gaslighting and scapegoating. #hurt #angry #sad #Dissapointed #shamed #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #scapegoated

I'm frustrated and angry right now. I never catch a break. I thought I navigated Christmas as best as I could this year.

Dealing with CPTSD really has me so hypervigilant and then I become so reactive if I'm not careful.

I usually only go to my mom's now for a max of 4 days. This Christmas I did make the mistake of staying longer and even with that I was met the evil eye when I left to catch my 3pm commuter train home today.

I arrived on Dec 22 so I stayed an extra 3 days then usual over the last few years. I'm very mindful I may not have many more Christmases with my mother. She's 82 and her health is declining more and more rapidly in the recent year.

Having said that my mom is a covert narcissit through and through. She is even worse after my dad passed away 18 months ago.

I'm the youngest of 4 and I have the wonderful title of being the family scapegoat and I'm constantly getting gaslighted by her and my siblings. There is no winning when you have this label within the family.

When I arrived on Dec 22 I said I was leaving on Thurs or Fri this week. Yesterday I confirmed I was leaving Fri at 3pm. I repeated that this morning and again around 1pm.

So as I'm getting my stuff together I walk into the kitchen to say goodbye I was met with my mother's glare. I was confused and trying to figure out in my mind what have I done wrong now. You see with CPTSD the hypervigilance kicks in automatically. She then tells me she did not know I was leaving today. That I didn't tell her in advance. Now she is angry.

At this point I'm just tired and I just reacted. My mind just goes into a jumble wondering if I'm ever listened to, but at the same time wondering how I could have done or said things differently. Unfortunately the reality is I can never win no matter what I do.

You see a few days earlier I was accused I talk too much and keep repeating things. The "things" by the way are my feelings. If I dare to share my feelings about something in the here and now I'm constantly being accused I'm repetitive. Supposedly too pushy with my feelings, thoughts and perspective on everything. Then if I'm quiet then I'm accused I don't express myself and let anyone know what I'm thinking.

This constant contrary treatment from my family of origin has literally made me crazy. I've suffered alone with all my mental health diagnosis over the last 30 years. To my family I'm either making it all up or I must have brought it on myself somehow.