BIPOLAR. It’s a misunderstood, complicated, debilitating illness!
20 years ago I was diagnosed with this debilitating illness, it still doesn’t get any easier, and I’ve read as we get older it gets worse, now that’s encouraging, scares the hell out of me.
I’m angry, frustrated, irritable, discouraged, but most of all saddened this illness has attacked my mind once again. I almost made it to a year. I have no triggers, just the fabulous chemical imbalance. Now I’m in a dark depression, without any explaination, how confusing is that. It always blows my mind how I just awake, one morning, and feel like crap. I get the odd highs, but mostly lows, so painful and unbearable...
I only have a couple of friends I basically inform (when they’re trying to reach me) I’m not well. I know they don’t really get it as we only get what we live. Therefore, I don’t go into details. You know, when I’m well I have a hard time, myself, understanding depression and that I could even go back into that phase.
I’m isolated now, as I do when depression sets in. I will be chatting with my pdoc this week to see where we go from here. I am so fed up with meds, increase, decrease, add, subtract it’s all overwhelming. A lot of times I just want to give up, what kind of life is this, living in the dark, can barely function, just want to sleep it away. That being said, I go to bed at night, with the hope tomorrow will be a brighter day.
I always say there’s people worse off than me, but I shouldn’t have to think that way, as at this time it’s (for me) as bad as it gets. All I know is I’m suffering and no meds can take the pain away right away, it’s a waiting game to see if a new med/cocktail is going to work. And then if I’m fortunate to latch on to something, how long will it last, the good feeling.
So all in all, Bipolar is a misunderstood, complicated, debilitating illness, it’s a life of ups, downs, and pain!
For those of you who have the illness and have to face other challenges in your life, such as no support, financial problems and such, my heart goes out to each and everyone of you. So I send off with a God Bless to all of us!