childabusesurvivor

I am not sure when our lives separated, I may have been four years old. I can't remember much those first few years, but eventually, I did remember the dread and the guilt I felt when it was time to make a call. I often wonder, Dad, did you realize what your words did to me, did you realize how guilty I felt over things I had no control over. As a young child living with one parent isn't often our choice, but you made it seem like it was. You had no idea how your words cut me , made me feel as though I was doing something wrong. I was a child,Dad, I had no idea what to do, or not to do. My little heart hurt for what you wanted and what I wanted. See Daddy, at that time you had no idea how much I had been hurt in my short life, and would I ever tell you "no," Dad? I wouldn't. To this day, you have no idea what I went through as a little girl, and I am not sure it would help if you knew. What's sad is that I have always needed my daddy and I never felt him close. As I grew older, and our relationship grew more distant, I didn't know how to fix it. I hoped that you would know what to do, and you would help, but you never came, you never helped your little girl. I only grew older and made bad decisions, and instead of my dad being there, he left and once again. I felt all alone. You probably think I am blaming you for everything and that couldn't be further from the truth. I knew my decisions were my own, and I knew I would do whatever I had to do to make my life right. I had always wished you were there to see it, but I guess I wasn't important enough for you to keep up with. Eventually, I married and had two other children. I married a man who loved me and everything that came with me. He took my daughter in as his own with no questions. He was a man you would be proud of, Dad, but you weren't there. I am sure you thought that is what I wanted, to not have you there, but dad you couldn't have been more wrong. I wanted you there. I wanted you to meet the man I fell in love with. I wanted you to meet your grandchildren, and I wanted you there for me. At 30 years old, I let myself cry for you more than I ever have. My guilt and emotions spilled over, and I didn't want to be 30 without you by my side. It was also at that time I decided it was time to forgive myself and move on. I forgave myself for not being the daughter you had always wanted. I forgave myself for not being there when you felt I needed to be, Dad. I forgave myself for everything I held in for those 30 years; I had to. You may still feel like I owe you, you may still feel like I wronged you, and I am sorry you feel that way, Dad. I can't make that better. My only hope is that one day you will forgive me as I have forgiven you, and that we can have the relationship every father and daughter deserve. #Childhoodtrauma #childabusesurvivor #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse

On the weekends I’ve always done everything that I didn’t get to in the week. And that’s normal we all have things to do but then after I had a life changing event, I realized I need to slow down.

Have a coffe with a friend, sleep in, bake something (I love baking), taking my dog for a longer walk, reading, getting my hair done whatever it is. I think in this crazy time we live in we have to make time to take care of ourselves and not feel guilty. I’ve always been someone who felt guilty for doing things for myself ….. I’ve realized how distructive that is, how I was devaluing myself for things and people who didn’t really care.

Personally I think this stemmed from my parents telling me that I was lazy and entitled when I was relaxing as a child. My parents use to tell me that I have nothing to be stressed about, I always felt ashamed of my stress and anxiety. I don’t think you should ever diminish your children’s feeling or experiencing their emotions because that leads to emotionally stunted adults.

All and all, I just want someone to know today that you should never feel ashamed of yourself, never feel like you don’t have the right to your emotions. Self care is important, your feelings are important, you are important ❤️ #Anxiety #childabusesurvivor #PTSD #Depression #ADHD

I can resonate with this in more ways than one! I'm Always feeling like I'm Always having to Apologize for being who I am! & To be quite honest, it's sad I feel I have to feel this way just to keep the peace! I shouldn't ever have to Apologize for being who I a! If no one can accept me for who I am & Love me for who I am well then they don't need to be in my life! Period!! I refuse to live up to everyone else's expectations & be somebody I'm Not!

#Notsorry #Iamwhoiam #YouEitherLoveMeOrYouDont #ThatsYourChoice #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #childabusesurvivor #Survivor

“Fall in love with the process of becoming”

Hello all, my name is Emma and I am twenty eight years old. I have been through a plethora of experiences in my life but biggest of all I suffered years of childhood physical and emotional abuse which continued on in my adult years. I also survived an almost none year domestic violence relationship. I deal with severe abandonment, neglect, insecurities and trust issues stemming from these things as well as my biological father playing no role in my life since I was four years old. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, suicidal ideation, PTSD and fibromyalgia. I have never yet found a medication that really helps me the way I need it to. I do support cannabis use, it is one thing that has helped me. I have gone through the therapy experience once and was let down honestly. My therapist would cancel on me frequently which was hard for someone struggling like myself, I also felt it was more of a vent session than actual therapy and guidance and growth. I intend of getting help now, but I need help on where to start, what to do and how I can actually process all of this trauma and pain so that I can live a happy and healthy life, not only for myself but for my kids. Any and all advice is welcomed and appreciated, thank you all in advance and I am happy to be starting this experience and knowing I'm going to have support the whole way. It is honestly what I need as my support in my everyday is very limited. #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #Anxiety #PTSD #Fibromyaliga #Trauma #Healing #DomesticViolence #Survivor #warrior #childabusesurvivor #guidanceneeded