Drowning

Hi- I'm new here. I am seriously overwhelmed with depression and anxiety. We moved away from our families- 5 hours away for a job. I lived in the same place my entire life. I miss what I know. I miss my family. I miss holidays together. I miss helping with the grandkids. I’m a mess. I don’t feel like I can conquer this. #Drowning

Laying here in my bath tub fully dressed. Wanting to physically drown. Already feel like I am drowning in a flood of my moods, emotions, thoughts, work, other voices telling me what to do. I just want it to stop. Stop feeling tired. Stop feeling like I keep on sinking and there being nothing to hold onto or no one holding on to me.
Many times I have filled up the tub with water and kept going under and hold my breathe debating if I need to come up for air.
Not sure if it is a feeling of safety in the bath tub or a reminder of what I could do to myself.
Just spent time with a family friend who is a strong Christian believer who pretty much reminded me of how fucked up I am. Reminding me of everything I have struggled with my whole life is considered bad in the Christian faith. Especially my mental illness. This is the lowest I have felt in a while.
I don’t want to leave this tub but I have to go to work and act like nothing is wrong. This sucks

My #Anxiety has been climbing as if it attached to a helium balloon 🎈and just keeps climbing. They are weaning me off one med and increasing my dose of another but I wonder if the increase in #Anxiety and #PanicAttacks are a result of the change in medicine? I #trigger so easily and push everyone away so that they can't get too close. Is this just my unhealthy coping mechanism? I feel like I'm #Drowning and #disassociating at the same time. #MDD #Anxiety #PTSD #PanicAttacks #si

I am finding no joy a lot of day, low a lot of days, I cant do much with my husband, can't go anywhere with my kids. Grandparents aren't watching kids so that I get a break from them... I feel like im #Spiraling . No air... #Drowning , then #Guilt for wanting alone time from my kids. So here i sit. At home... trying to smile trying to be. Just trying. How do I overcome. How do I find some joy in the MUNDAIN whilst living with BPD???

So as most who have seen my posts know, I’ve been sick with a mystery illness and an undiagnosed chronic illness. Despite this I’ve been working second shift as a food delivery driver 4-5 days a week (~30 hours) and doing Census work on my days off. This is all on top of my twice weekly counseling, twice weekly home health workers, and all my other appointments. Today I got up and went into the field for Census work. I was really looking forward to it as I feel I’ve let my team down by being sick. Also Sundays get a 25% pay bonus on top of the really good pay to start with. Anyway I drive to my assignment and within 5 houses I feel the dreaded rumbling and cramping in my stomach, I’m gonna be sick. After I find a gas station and what not I called my mom saying I was thinking of heading home. She tells me “it’s probably something you ate especially if you had coffee this morning. I think you’re just making excuses.” I see where she’s coming from cuz I was so excited this morning about earning that extra money, but at the same time I just rushed to a bathroom in an unknown neighborhood cuz I was getting sick. Am I wrong for driving the hour home and ending my day early? This isn’t the first time she’s been negative like this. She’s convinced I have Munchhausen’s Syndrome and all my illnesses are in my head. I know she’s toxic, but she’s my mother and the only non-professional/paid support I have. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel so lost.
#lost #Toxic #illness #Advice #Drowning #Anxiety #Depression #Undiagnosed #Mightyfamily

CW: near-drowning, splitting, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, fresh Trauma, emotion dysregulation,

This morning I almost got sucked out to sea by a rip tide. I managed to make it in. I took anxiety meds to calm down. I got back in water to try to prevent a phobia.
I'm good.
I'm getting ready to pass out for the night.
This boy I've been seeing (and who sat on the phone with me while I tried to process my shock) texts to rant about some stuff in his own life. I'm more than happy to listen and try to help usually, but me with my freshly revitalized sense of mortality starts ranting about how he needs to get out and live for himself because fuck the things holding him back. He didn't disagree or get upset, but he did say something that called into question in my mind as to whether he likes me at all and whether this really is the nebulous sort of pre-relationship relation I thought it was.
Ordinarily, I'm good at talking myself out of that sort of spiral (and the conversation changes in such a way that I can pretty much relax about the relations again), but for a few seconds I was back in the ocean waving for a lifeguard that isn't there as I use every ounce of energy to stay on my feet, keep my head above water, and keep moving even though the entire world is holding me still... And for a second I was content to drift out to sea.
I forced that thought out, and like I said the conversation turned in such a way im not worried the thing is ending, but it's funny how contradictory emotions can feel. How an illness can shove you back to the moment where you were most panicked for your life and twist your mind so you feel like the moment turned out wrong; like you should have just let go and let yourself be carried out to sea. Even when you literally just fought with every ounce of your being to survive another day.
I've always had intrusive thoughts, but they have pretty much always been hypothetical. I do not want to fear the ocean. I don't want to flash back to this. I want to remeber it happened and the lessons I've learned. But I do not want to be bombarded with that specific panic and sense of barely keeping myself from drowning ever again.

Has anyone successfully prevented flashbacks and/or intrusive thoughts from forming? Does anyone know of good early intervention skills to weaken them before they get severe? If anyone has any suggestions on how to prevent thoughts from jumping directly to suicide at the slighted bit of sadless, they would be great appreciated as well.

I am dealing with one of the biggest battles of my depression and anxiety I have had yet. I feel like im falling and drowning within my own head and i feel like im taking everyone around down with me. I feel like everything i do is wrong and that i am failing at even the simplest of things because i am stuck in my own head, my anger, guilt. I feel broken. I feel ive completely failed my wife and am failing in my marriage. I want to give up #Inadequate #Insecure #whatswrongwithme #Drowning #failing #Falling #help #Demons