Flared

So I’m pretty #proud of myself, I’ve been getting a few things done here & there even though I’ve been terribly #depressed #anxious haven’t wanted to get out of bed been #Flared up & in #Pain & the #chronic fatigue hasn’t helped either but I dyed my hair, painted my nails, left the house & rode in the car to the city even though it causes me physical pain & nausea to be in a car at all for long periods. Got my hair cut, got to the dentist, got my teeth taken care of, & went & got glasses that I really needed. I apparently have #Astigmatism in my right eye, had no clue how bad my eye sight was until I got new glasses. So I’m exhausted, but I’ve got so much done I didn’t want to even think about doing right now & it’s important to know your limits & no over do it as well but this stuff I got done is really important. Officially out of #spoons / #Spellslots but I got a lot accomplished in the last couple weeks. Still been grappling with #SuicidalIdeation because of all the serious personal stuff I’m going through but I’m still here still trying to hang on & as always #TakingItOneDayAtATime #TakeItOneDayAtATime #Bipolar #BipolarDepression #ChronicPain

It seems like my problems are piling up & it’s adding to my #Pain & my #Depression my #Fibro #Fibromyalgia has been #Flared . Combating #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain has been #hell . I have my #Catfamily to get through this but it’s still hard. I keep trying to #TakeItOneDayAtATime but each day that goes by the more I feel like I’m on #Autopilot just going along & not reacting, not really living but just trying to survive. My #Anxiety has been through the roof & I need to contact a therapist still but I don’t want to leave the house & I would have to travel into the city to see them & after the #CarAccident I get terrible anxiety & #PTSD & #PanicAttacks whenever I have to get into a car, & the longer I’m in a car now the worse it’s get to the point if #nausea & vomiting because of it. I talked to my primary care doctor & he said I could probably find a doctor who does therapy sessions over the phone but the first time I would see them I would probably have to go into the office. I’m a hermit now. I can’t stand to leave the house & it takes so many #spoons to go out anywhere plus the stress that the only time I do go out is all the doctors appointments which I also hate. I keep putting all this stuff off that I need to do because of all this & I know it’s not good but I just can’t stand leaving the house anymore. Going through #Divorce #SplittingUp my 9 year #Marriage & I have little #familysupport for all this & my #Friendsupport circle is very small in my personal life. I have a lot of online friends who have helped me a lot but having someone physically there to check in on you is different. I guess I should be happy anyone checks in on me but there are so many people that I used to think would never my life & they all did leave after the car wreck. It hurts to be abandoned when you need someone the most & that’s what happens to so many people with chronic illness. All the people you used to spend time with no longer have time for you. It’s like being #Disabled means that you don’t get to keep your friends. I’ve made a lot of new good friends since then who I love but there were all these people who I needed who were never there when I needed them most & for a long time I blamed myself but I realized recently that it’s not my fault they decided my illness was too much for them. That’s on them not me: I just wanted to write to check in & now I’m on a depression rant. I’m here taking it one day at a time: sometimes with everything piling up I just want to give up. I haven’t given up though...yet. I deserve love I deserve peace I deserve happiness.

My #Pain #Fibro #ChronicFatigueSyndrome has #Flared in the past week. I can’t stop sleeping & I still feel #exhausted #Drained even after being in bed basically for days on end. It’s hard not to feel depressed when I’m flared up like this but I have had snuggles from my wonderful #Cats which has helped but I still feel so blah & I’ve been canceling plans with my best friend over & over for months now. Got her a Christmas present & cant wait to see her but I have to actually get up & riding in a vehicle makes me flare even worse & starts up my #Anxiety #PTSD ever since the wreck but it seems like it’s gotten worse lately. I need to go back to therapy but then I know it would be a lot of calling into that because I’m not well enough. I feel like I can’t live my life like this but then I feel even worse because I make plans then have to cancel. I miss my old life. Before the #Wreck I feel like I’m missing everything & just existing. Everything will be okay I just need to #TakeItOneDayAtATime this too shall pass. I hope this finds you well & that your holidays were great! My mother in law got me a new soft blanket for Christmas & my cat Maric has stolen it. He’s been my snuggle buddy throughout the flare so I don’t mind sharing the blanket. I deserve peace, I deserve love, I deserve happiness.