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New glasses haven’t posted in a while but I’m still here!

So I’m pretty #proud of myself, I’ve been getting a few things done here & there even though I’ve been terribly #depressed #anxious haven’t wanted to get out of bed been #Flared up & in #Pain & the #chronic fatigue hasn’t helped either but I dyed my hair, painted my nails, left the house & rode in the car to the city even though it causes me physical pain & nausea to be in a car at all for long periods. Got my hair cut, got to the dentist, got my teeth taken care of, & went & got glasses that I really needed. I apparently have #Astigmatism in my right eye, had no clue how bad my eye sight was until I got new glasses. So I’m exhausted, but I’ve got so much done I didn’t want to even think about doing right now & it’s important to know your limits & no over do it as well but this stuff I got done is really important. Officially out of #spoons / #Spellslots but I got a lot accomplished in the last couple weeks. Still been grappling with #SuicidalIdeation because of all the serious personal stuff I’m going through but I’m still here still trying to hang on & as always #TakingItOneDayAtATime #TakeItOneDayAtATime #Bipolar #BipolarDepression #ChronicPain

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When things are too much to handle

It seems like my problems are piling up & it’s adding to my #Pain & my #Depression my #Fibro #Fibromyalgia has been #Flared . Combating #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain has been #hell . I have my #Catfamily to get through this but it’s still hard. I keep trying to #TakeItOneDayAtATime but each day that goes by the more I feel like I’m on #Autopilot just going along & not reacting, not really living but just trying to survive. My #Anxiety has been through the roof & I need to contact a therapist still but I don’t want to leave the house & I would have to travel into the city to see them & after the #CarAccident I get terrible anxiety & #PTSD & #PanicAttacks whenever I have to get into a car, & the longer I’m in a car now the worse it’s get to the point if #nausea & vomiting because of it. I talked to my primary care doctor & he said I could probably find a doctor who does therapy sessions over the phone but the first time I would see them I would probably have to go into the office. I’m a hermit now. I can’t stand to leave the house & it takes so many #spoons to go out anywhere plus the stress that the only time I do go out is all the doctors appointments which I also hate. I keep putting all this stuff off that I need to do because of all this & I know it’s not good but I just can’t stand leaving the house anymore. Going through #Divorce #SplittingUp my 9 year #Marriage & I have little #familysupport for all this & my #Friendsupport circle is very small in my personal life. I have a lot of online friends who have helped me a lot but having someone physically there to check in on you is different. I guess I should be happy anyone checks in on me but there are so many people that I used to think would never my life & they all did leave after the car wreck. It hurts to be abandoned when you need someone the most & that’s what happens to so many people with chronic illness. All the people you used to spend time with no longer have time for you. It’s like being #Disabled means that you don’t get to keep your friends. I’ve made a lot of new good friends since then who I love but there were all these people who I needed who were never there when I needed them most & for a long time I blamed myself but I realized recently that it’s not my fault they decided my illness was too much for them. That’s on them not me: I just wanted to write to check in & now I’m on a depression rant. I’m here taking it one day at a time: sometimes with everything piling up I just want to give up. I haven’t given up though...yet. I deserve love I deserve peace I deserve happiness.

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#CheckInWithMe #Marriage #Divorce #Disabled

My life is still a mess. So #depressed & my #Fibro #ChronicPain has still been #Flared I’m not sure what’s going to happen. My 9 year marriage, 10 years together, is falling apart at the seems, and I’m not sure I can ever make it right again. Well my husband needs to make it right, and I know he wants to but I don’t think he can. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but he #betrayed me & that has changed everything. What do you do when the one person you thought you could trust with your entire life has betrayed you? Can I trust anything he says now? I’m sick right now, he’s broken me, broken us, broken my heart, killed our love. I’m so depressed & im afraid i might relapse on #Selfharm or #SuicidalIdeation my #Anxiety & #PTSD has been through the roof. I haven’t been able to do anything but lay here and watch stuff on tv. Barely been eating, lost my appetite, lost my will for anything again which scares me. I need a therapist but other stuff keeps coming up to prevent me from getting one. I have spots on my skin I’m having a dermatologist look at on the 25th that I’m afraid is cancer but until I go to the doctor I’ve been trying not to freak myself out but I’m so afraid it’s been really hard. My life is a total shit show right now. I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. #TakeItOneDayAtATime


#betrayed #Love #Divorce

I am #Disabled & have #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #Depression #Anxiety #CFS #PTSD I thought I could trust my husband to be there for me forever because he was my rock. I’m not going into details but he has betrayed me, after 10 years together I found out the truth & I don’t think I can forgive him. I love him so much but he’s destroyed me & destroyed our relationship. He says he’s sorry, that he wants to make it work that he loves me & he just wants to be with me. I don’t think I can forgive him or trust what he’s saying is true. I don’t think it could ever go back to the way it was & that scares me. I’ve been so #Flared up & sick & then this happens, I feel like my whole world is upside down. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t told anyone yet, my friends or family, I’ve been holding this in, super sad/sick & now officially alone. We are still living together & technically still married but I know in the end this will end in our divorce & I’m completely destroyed. He was the one thing I could depend on in this messed up world, now he’s gone & I’m lost. Why did he have to do this? Why did he betray me, after everything? Then he says he loves me more than anything but I can’t believe it, not after finding out...I needed to get this off my chest since I haven’t been able to tell anyone. I never thought I would be in this position, not with him. Not with the love of my life. Now our love is dead. He was my best friend. Now I’m alone: I’m flared, barely able to get out of bed & now I’m wondering where I will be in time, where will I live, how will I treat my illnesses with no insurance? Everything is up in the air now & I’m more depressed than ever. I don’t know what I’m going to do. #TakeItOneDayAtATime

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I can’t stop sleeping #ChronicPain #CFS #Fibromyalgia

My #Pain #Fibro #ChronicFatigueSyndrome has #Flared in the past week. I can’t stop sleeping & I still feel #exhausted #Drained even after being in bed basically for days on end. It’s hard not to feel depressed when I’m flared up like this but I have had snuggles from my wonderful #Cats which has helped but I still feel so blah & I’ve been canceling plans with my best friend over & over for months now. Got her a Christmas present & cant wait to see her but I have to actually get up & riding in a vehicle makes me flare even worse & starts up my #Anxiety #PTSD ever since the wreck but it seems like it’s gotten worse lately. I need to go back to therapy but then I know it would be a lot of calling into that because I’m not well enough. I feel like I can’t live my life like this but then I feel even worse because I make plans then have to cancel. I miss my old life. Before the #Wreck I feel like I’m missing everything & just existing. Everything will be okay I just need to #TakeItOneDayAtATime this too shall pass. I hope this finds you well & that your holidays were great! My mother in law got me a new soft blanket for Christmas & my cat Maric has stolen it. He’s been my snuggle buddy throughout the flare so I don’t mind sharing the blanket. I deserve peace, I deserve love, I deserve happiness.