fml

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My nephews are home again today, and because my autism hates it for some reason (because of external stimuli and being overstimulated), I’m leaving. Again.

Pros:
- Finding a quiet space

Cons:
- Potentially being misgendered as someone who’s not non-binary (especially being misgendered as a girl)
- One of my triggers are the words c/v/d-19 (o, i), p/nd/mic (a, e), and q//r/ntine (ua, i) ⚠️(please, please, no one say these words in the comments 🙏🏽) ⚠️, and UNFORTUNATELY it’s pretty common in advertisements (which are almost freaking everywhere - thanks America /sarc) and I can’t even look at advertisements or even the outside world anymore since 2020. Once I accidentally look at a post or whatever (because I do that often) and one of those words appear, there goes my mood. It’s happened twice the last time I went out.

But I feel like I have nowhere else to go but outside in order to not feel overstimulated. This is ridiculous.

#fml #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Family #why #whatdoido

So I was sufferer of migrane headaches choriclly for quite a few years. But as of recently have also become pregnant with twins I am 13 weeks and two days as of right now . Lol and I want to get the point I am actually enjoying pregnancy but with my already longgg list of physical health issues it’s not an easy thing to do and truth me told I am struggling so much so that I am taking into consideration talking to a disability lawyer. Cause my laundry list of physical and mental health issues simply gets worse and worse . And I can still get up and do things but not nearly as much as I was before . And I would struggle a lot at trying to maintain a “normal” job anymore.
Ugh I woke up this morning with my friend I spent the night cuddling lol with a mirgane that felt as if it was splitting my skull open I finally got over deal with this and now I have one again. I went to my nurologist to address this issue and they told me I could not be on medication for migrane help due to being pregnant! Yet I have read several articles stating it seems like you get more migranes when you are preggers anyway lol yay!
It never ends lol!
Ugh I am also on day three of quitting smoking and vaping and I almost grantee that the headaches are increasing some due to withdrawal symptoms as well.
Lol and I also have had a bad track record of getting tension headaches , and sinus headaches as well wondering if I could be Getting tons of stress headaches also
This would not bother me sooo much if it wernt for how painful it is! How I can go anywhere bar light of any kind , or being around sound PERIOD!
I mean I might as well just curl up in a fetal position in a deep dark light less sound less cave some where when I get migranes lol #migranes #Pregnancy #fml

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This is starting to get on my nerves.

Can’t I just have a full week of quiet when my nephews are at school? Like how it’s - supposed - to be?? My youngest nephew had a fever and had to stay home for three days, so it doesn’t count, I’m disregarding that (please nobody mention the other virus name, it’s a trigger to me). But why are they always home on a Friday now??

But if next week doesn’t happen, I’m going to go crazy. I just wanted a - full - week of more quiet time, Monday to Friday. And it hasn’t happened since the middle of last month, and it freaking irritates me. And no, there’s absolutely nothing my sister can do about it. I just have to wish to move out of here faster. This is freaking bothering me. Why does this have to happen????

I’m so sick of listening to that same YouTuber in the living room background who I don’t even fucking like (because they said the r slur twice one time, and yes I know that you can still enjoy the content without supporting the creator or their actions/beliefs, it exists. That’s my oldest nephew’s situation. But ugh, I couldn’t even do that).

I just want to walk out of my room without worrying to put on headphones every single time. Can’t that just happen more often?!

#Autism #Anxiety #sad #Family #School #ijustwantedsomequiettime #fml #overstimulated

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Are my nephews just here every Wednesday and Thursday from school at this point? Because this is starting to get really irritating thanks to my autism. I knew going out yesterday would get me disappointed today because I had a feeling they would be home the next day as well.

That sentence sounds so bad. I’m sorry. I love them. I do. It’s just them being loud, even if it’s just running footsteps (from my youngest nephew - ‘cause he’s a kid) freaking irritates me and now I kind of just want to cry.

Can’t I just have a good week? 😞

#Autism #Anxiety #Family #sad #justwhy #OhWell #fml

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Aaand my nephews are staying home from school for the rest of the week. I can just tell. But they’ve been quiet yesterday, surprisingly. But who knows if that’s gonna happen the rest of these days… sh*t 😕

Why am I so annoyed just from the thought of it?? I swear I love my nephews and know what’s going on with them, considering that they’re also just kids as well.

If they start being loud again, I’m going to cry. I was really looking forward to this week.. *sigh* oh well. I guess.

#Autism #sad #why #justwhy #Anxiety #Family #fml

Not like anyone cares, why am I writing this??
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Every time someone who I’m not that familiar with comes here, it’s torture. I have to stay in my room all day or else I try too hard to pass as masculine every freaking time I come out of my room, just so I won’t be called “she” or “miss” or “girl” (it’s a horrible feeling). But now I feel like I’m STILL not passing because I’m already feeling so horrible because of the flea problem that I APPARENTLY SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO HAVE IN MY ROOM AND NO ONE ELSE’S and now I lack the energy because I’m so furious. We can’t afford a veterinarian for our cat, either.

And the whole someone coming over and fixing things is supposed to happen for the next 2 days as well.
So that’s fun. (/sarc /neg)
And I already feel empty inside just from today.

And it’s going to be up to 74 degrees the days after that, which usually I would be excited for, but honestly the whole bug thing has gotten me so sick and tired of these nice days that I just want it to be cold already! (Not like it will kill the fleas anyway, I’m so freaking mad about learning that 😡😡)

#sad #Autism #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #GenderDysphoria #anger #empty #fml

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Sometimes I really hate being trans and nonbinary. I wish I was just born masculine.
It’s not fun. It happened as soon as I came to the bus stop, too, and I immediately just went back home. Clearly all society sees is a girl. No matter what I freaking do. I have long hair, but I’m not a freaking girl.

Why can’t this stupid society see that I’m not a girl? Every time I get misgendered now, thoughts of being off dead get into my head, oftentimes even having a plan right then and there. And I went back to self harm today, but I’ll try not to do it again.

I hate this.

So fuck it. I’m not going back outside. Not even to eat (which is why I would even be outside). Not even to pick up something from the door if someone’s standing there. Not if everyone is just going to misgender me as a girl like this, even if they usually don’t mean to hurt me. It still freaking hurts. This is why I can’t even just dress how I want to dress. I try to, but stuff like this often gets in the way, and this is why I sometimes avoid wearing skirts (which I guess didn’t even freaking matter today anyway).

Oh, and just for clarity’s sake, I don’t identify as a human. It’s nothing pessimistic or degrading, but it’s more in a spiritual nonhuman way. So I ask to please not call me a human, thanks.

#LGBTQIA #sad #GenderDysphoria #SocialAnxiety #SuicidalIdeation #ihatethis #fml #imnotagirldamnit

My grandparents still not understanding my disability after five years bothers me way more than it should. They’re making day to day living so much harder and I’m so done. #Epilepsy #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #WheelchairUser #Disabled #severeanxiety #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ChronicDepression #ChronicMigraines #fml

So I’m tryna get a service dog. I need mobility assistance, heart rate alert, seizure response and some other stuff. I can’t get an epilepsy dog because my seizures aren’t “epileptic seizures”. Just seizures. So I can’t get a dog to help with that, which is annoying. There’s also no way I’d ever be able to afford a freaking service dog because I’m disabled and can’t get a job. So yeah, fml. #nonepilepticseizures #LivingWithPOTS #ServiceDog #fml

My psych Dr is out on COVID leave and nobody will refill my meds....