isolation

Rachel experiences perfectly articulates what I've experienced so far with mental health crisis /liaison services and how terrified I feel about having to be *assessed* by a stranger whilst feeling unsafe and exhausted yet with little other options. So I'm a bit envious of how she had a mum and friend to go in with her to A&E.. and a best friend at university when her first episode happened. Some people have no one at all.... at least it can feel that way.
I hope she got the help she needed.. 🙏🏾

#barrierstorecovery
#mind
#Foodforthought
#crisis
#Isolation
#MightyTogether
#MightyStories

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/mind-podcas...

It really bothers me to post about this, because I feel like people are going to think I’m just being obnoxious and cocky. But on the contrary, I hate a lot of things about myself, and somedays, I hate myself altogether.

But there is one thing I’ve got, and that’s my mind, which as often as the feeling part of it is against me, the intellectual part is always there.

Over the years I’ve developed a deep understanding of the fundamentals of the nature of reality, and continually expanded my perspective. And not to say I’m anywhere close to knowing and understanding everything, of course I’m always learning.

But I feel like I’ve gotten to this point where my mind thinks in such complex concepts that people often don’t understand what I’m saying. And when I try to explain what I mean, they’re still confused because I can’t figure out how to get them to understand what I understand. Even in basic communication, I find people often misunderstand what I’m trying to communicate because my mind thinks in such a large perspective people get confused. I would say the most common communicative error is when it involves a specific scope of relativity and I try to explain the idea of general relativity.

People think relativity is just some advanced scientific concept that only affects science. But it doesn’t, it plays a role in everything everyday everywhere. But it’s not something people understand very well.

Even talking about it here, I feel weird and isolated, like I just don’t fit in anywhere anymore.

I don’t know why I even bother posting, because like last time I posted, I’d imagine nobody will understand what I’m trying to say. It’s as if I speak a language nobody else in the world understands.

It have been working with my local drug service provider since last September, with the intention of getting the funding to go to residential rehabilitation for my 33 year long addiction to cocaine, and alcohol, which accompanies my drug use.

I received the funding a couple of months ago and am due to go to rehab early next month for six months. This seems like a long time, but 33 years of addiction is also an extremely long time, so I have been told that I will need the full package of care, in order to address my life long addiction issues.

I have managed to tell the majority of my friends and family about what is happening, and they have all been incredibly proud and supportive of what I'm doing.

My daughter was the catalyst for me seeking help in the first place, because my drug use was affecting her mental health adversely, and she had started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks as a result of my continued using.

I am 100% committed to my recovery, and I will do everything and anything I can to ensure I am successful. The cost of the rehab, which is payed for by taxpayers contributions is not something I take lightly. I respect the fact that people have worked hard to allow me this opportunity, and if I wasn't ready for it, or had doubts that I might fail, I would continue working with the drug service until I felt ready to deal with rehab.

I feel extremely grateful, and lucky that I have been offered this opportunity. I realise that there are many people who may have applied for funding to go to residential rehab, but been turned down.

I am fortunate that this was never a question for my particular case, because my addiction, and dual diagnosis of depression and bpd, combined with a past involving sexual abuse, rape, incest, childhood abandonment and a childhood environment in which I was never validated or praised for any of my achievements, are all mitigating factors that led me to seeking drugs as a way of self medicating in order to suppress these painful emotions.

I'm going to a rehab which specialises in focusing on trauma as it's main approach to dealing with addiction. I specifically asked not to go somewhere that uses the 12 step recovery model, because I have been to CA and AA meetings many times before, and never found them that helpful.

So I'm hopeful that this approach will help me to work through my past trauma, connect with the feelings and emotions that I have buried deep inside, and understand myself and the reasons why I have lived my life with an addiction for all of these years.

My drug counsellor told me something that was a bit of an epiphany last week. She said that it's great that I have all the logical and intellectual ability to understand myself and the reasons for my addiction, but I need to go and do the work to connect the emotional aspect of this to the equation. Something that hadn't occurred to me before. It makes perfect sense, and is clearly why I have remained stuck for so long.

I hope to be able to write about my journey during rehab. So please connect with me, as I share my experiences going forward.

Thanks 👍

I’m sorry in advance if this post is triggering, or otherwise not allowed.

Let me cut to the point: I believe that I no longer serve a role or a purpose in the daily life I am living. My husband and teenage children have no real use/need for me anymore. They just avoid me, until they want or need something that I can provide. I cannot manage to make/sustain connections with others (immediate or extended family, friends/acquaintances; old or new), and am exceedingly lonely. (I cry every day - which is probably good, since it proves to me that I can feel.) Even the cat, who used to favor my company, has completely gone off me. I am very unfulfilled in my life, and I really don’t see the point in living anymore.

I’ve finally weaned off my antidepressant (psychiatrist knows this and has prescribed a different SSRI which I have not yet started), which did absolutely nothing for me except to “blunt” me. I spent YEARS feeling nothing and watching life go on around me, as if watching a movie. Now I can feel- and it’s anger and resentment for lost and wasted time; for the rejection I feel, among many, many other things. I do have a therapist-good as far as therapists go - who tells me I need to do self-care. I reminded them that I can’t even bring myself to bathe, let alone go on a mini-vacation, spa, retreat etc. That’s a big issue for me as well - I see that I’m deserving of attention as long as I’m paying someone for it.

Intellectually, I know how to begin the “leaving” process…as I’ve told my husband, if I knew where to go, I’d already be long gone. (The dynamics of our relationship are a big part of the problem - though I refuse to blame him or anyone else for what I am going through.) Problem is, I don’t know how or where to go, or if I even want to start all over. I do know that I cannot continue life the way it is and has been for a long time. I almost wish to die in my sleep - that’s all I do anymore is sleep, as I have no energy for anything else- so that I don’t have to make decisions and live in pain anymore.

If you have insights/perspectives to share, I’d appreciate them. But really, I needed to drop this “bomb” somewhere…I have no outlet otherwise. Thank you for reading.

#DebilitatingDepression #si #Isolation #anhedonia

I isolate in our apartment. I care less about my pets but I still take care of them. I don’t care about being tidy anymore yet I force myself to either wash up or shower. I have lost touch with my family. I hate going to the dining room and prefer that my husband bring our bag supper to our room. I am basically waiting to die. #Depression #Isolation #Feelingnumb