Multiple Myeloma

#CheckingIn
So this past week has been a wild one. So many things occurred that were both positive & negative. I had my first appointment at the Mayo Clinic & it went very well. I was so happy…
But then last night my mom told me something that broke my heart. Apparently she has been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. I was shocked. Apparently she’s only told my dad & grandma, & she wasn’t even going to tell me, but it just “came up.” My mom & I are just now getting on a better page. I’ve been afraid of my mom most of my life. The emotional abuse has been horrible & although we’re better than we were, I still feel uncomfortable around her.
I can’t imagine what the future is going to hold, but I’m scared.
Sorry if this seems negative 🫤
#MultipleMyeloma #Anxiety #Depression #Fear #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Relationships

I have a relative with MM. It was caught mid 2020, after a trip to the hospital. The last time I had saw them, they seemed relatively healthy in January 2020. Over the few months, they'd lost a lot of weight and well, it wasn't really a good scenario.

Fast forward, they're doing better. Down to only one doctor appointment a month and their body isn't hurting as much. The doctor gave them one instruction (outside of taking medicine and prescriptions) and that was to simply...eat. That's it. Eat.

However, they're from that generation that associates being skinny with healthy. They've had an eating disorder/body dysmorphia all my life, whether I knew it or not. They've always been obsessed with weight loss, so much so that they'd lie to their doctors about it.

They'd wear extra leggings and heavy boots so it looked like they were bigger than they were, only to smirk and smile at the praise and shed the layers when they got home. Pair that with the fact that they are so stubborn and proud they won't listen to anything anyone says, and well. What can you do?

Their numbers are going back up, and part of it is due to the fact that they're still under the weight the doctor wants them to be, but they still refuse to do what the doctor says. Add in a bunch of undiagnosed mental health issues, unresolved grief and trauma, etc., it's just sort of a mess right now.

I had a dream last night where I got 12 hours with them in my childhood mall, before they got sick. Before they became the person they emotionally are today. not often does a dream really destroy me, but after an already chaotic emotionally and physically unstable week I'm finding myself openly grieving the relative I once had who was my best friend.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves, and at the end of the day *they're* the one going through MM and the infusions and the doctor visits. It just hurts because it feels like even though they've technically gotten a lot better, I'm still watching them die slowly.

Not looking for advice. I notice there aren't any other posts in this group, so I figured I'd start it off with my own story. It's hard having a connection to MM, especially seeing how up and down it can be.

I don't quite know how to end this, other than saying I really hope I have better dreams tonight.

#MultipleMyeloma