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So I went to look up how to decrease suicidal ideation, then found this app. Since I've been having suicidal ideation a lot for the past few months. Mostly passive but they were really high yesterday. I have a lot of trauma, have been emotionally abused.

I'm in a PHP program and I just wanna get better, even tho I constantly feel awful about myself since I've been with a narcassitic abuser for 5 years. I cut him off a few months ago, so my mental health just spiraled. I also thought I was over him since we broke up in 2019, but remained friends until recently. But I wasn't over him, I still loved him. I just suppressed it. Was pretty obvious too since I got jealous, constantly wanted to please him and was obsessed with him. Was not healthy but I was able to cut him off.

I really just wanna be happy with myself again after dealing with all his invalidation for so long. I just feel worthless. Like nobody is gonna want me even in a platonic relationship.

So it affects me a lot. I just hope I can fully heal from it. I wish one day I can find someone who makes me happy in a healthy relationship. #Abuse #Upset #New

Hello there☺️ my name is Chibi and im looking forward to share my story. I hide behind my smile.

How do you post successfully? I posted and can't find it anywhere? Thanks. #New

I’m in the process of creating new habits like exercising , eating healthier and adding creativity to my daily routine.

6 months ago I found myself driving myself to the emergency room instead of going to work . I knew my thoughts were out of control and calling to talk to a supportive friend wasn’t going to cut it anymore.
I have a beautiful life and with undiagnosed mental illness I’ve never been able to enjoy a minute of happiness ( I couldn’t even describe what that felt like) .
Since a young age I’ve always felt something wasn’t right but no one had a answer for me . I’ve been clean and sober for 18 yrs with the help of 12 step programs and alot of hard work . My life is very blessed now .
Untreated mental illness almost killed me . I went to the emergency room in tears asking for help , I hadn’t felt that much desperation since the day I cleaned up 18 yrs ago .
I was admitted and spent 2 weeks in the hospital and for once a dr agreed that I had more going on than just anxiety.
The combination of medication I’m on works . I get to feel hope .
These medications come with some side effects like weight gain . I’ve gained so much weight it’s almost depressing ( I use the term almost because I know what real depression feels like and this isn’t that) .
I looked at myself in the mirror and cried angry tears . I finally get to feel good about life but the trade off is this …. Fat . That’s the word I’m using to describe myself. Why can’t I just win for once in my life ?
The truth is I’ve won a lot of battles including this one . With having my mental health in check I have the ability to make positive changes like creating a exercise routine and changed eating habits . My years of untreated mental illness had me with some terrible routines and barely eating at all and sleeping most of the time .
I can get through this with patience knowing it’s going to take time to see results. This won’t be a instant gratification of immediate results but I’m willing to do extra to win this new challenge.

I can recreate myself.I can tear down and build back up.I can love me just the way I am. #New beginnings1

But hi to yall how you guys doing? #New