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Pain and Love of the Outdoors

I am 24 and have always loved sports and the outdoors. I grew up extremely athletic and while I was always in some amount of pain and frequently endured injuries, I persisted because I loved it so much. I no longer play any sports but my favorite thing in the world is hiking and backpacking. The backcountry is the only place in the world where my anxiety relaxes and I feel truly at peace (the constant buzz of electricity is quelled). However, more and more frequently, debilitating pain stops me in my tracks. Some days are fine and I am able to do these activities but other days I am unable to walk simply after working all day. When I was younger I could grit my teeth and make it happen; now, I am simply unable to do things. I have had a lifelong dream of hiking the Continental Divide Trail but I am coming to terms with the fact that this may be impossible for me.

I guess this rant has to do with the question of should I use the rest of my body while I still can or aim for longevity? Should I continue to do the things I love for the next couple of years? Will the earth even be hike-able in the future anyway?

Additionally, my partner and I have always dreamt of hiking and backpacking together for as long as we are able and I feel constantly guilty that I will hold him back.

An aside: I am really struggling with envy toward able bodied people who choose to not be active with their bodies. I know that not everyone loves activity and the outdoors but it really stings when they can and I feel robbed.

#Grief #young #theoutdoors

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Thankyou, and an update

Thankyou everyone who offered their support when I posted about my normal MRI and frustration from no answers. I went through the same before almost 3 years ago, and it brings back those memories.

Where I live in the UK, my healthcare depends on the NHS, and I’ve had no less than 3 hospital referrals in 3 months, and I’ve had countless hospitalisations and doctors appointments over the past year. It makes me feel incredibly guilty, and also in a way just tired.

I’m tired of feeling ill. I’m tired of gaining yet another issue, or something getting worse. I’m tired of being a bit of a medical mystery with problems. It makes me feel like it’s just health anxiety causing stuff, even though I physically see the symptoms for some problems, have it down on paper and/or have symptoms that make it impossible to function properly because of other problems. I have to keep reminding myself that it is real, and my body can’t fake results for tests that aren’t normal.

I keep comparing myself to years ago. I would never see the doctors, and when I did they always found something wrong. And now it’s to the point where I don’t want to see the doctors and just want to deal with stuff, because I know it won’t kill me, it just depletes my spirit.

I don’t know how much more of it I can take. And it’s why my mind doesn’t want to fight for answers after a normal MRI. I am just so tired of it. And I am also just fed up of using NHS resources for no real result or improvement in my conditions. Someone else could have both instead.

I tried looking into private health insurance, but my amount of medical conditions makes me ineligible for treatment for those. And it’s also expensive. For the first time in 6 years I don’t even have a job, and my benefits have stopped meaning that all my adjustments etc because of my disability now come out of my own pocket/ will eventually have to stop.

Being young is a blessing, but also a curse when it comes to being chronically ill. It’s a blessing because my mind and body can/ should be able to deal with it better, and it can also handle all the tests and appointments and surgeries that I’ve had/ will have to have. It’s a curse because I know things don’t typically get better or go away, and the idea of having to deal with these issues for the next 50+ years scares me, especially as they’ll likely get worse or I’ll get more problems and it’ll make it unbearable.

Sorry for the mess this post is. It’s 6am and my brain is trying to fight a headache.

#ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #chronicallyill #Pain #NHS #young #Thoughts #MentalHealth #tired


Post Natal Depression at 18! Part 2 #Depression #PostnatalDepression #Part2 #Newmum #young #mystory

She took me for some food as I knew I wouldn't be able to eat once we got to the hospital. I rang the hospital at 6pm who told me to come in as they were too close together, I went to the hospital, at 4:25 am on little peanuts due date he was born at a 8lb.

The first 4 weeks of him being born was difficult, I lost a lot of weight (even though I didn't gain much during the pregnancy) I had mood swings, too emotional, too tired, I gave up college to be at home with him as I was still getting use to being a mum and getting into a routine. Little peanut was very clingy, hated being put down in a crib or moses basket, being sick after every bottle, constipation and it turned out he hated night times! Being miles from my family and not having support around me made it very difficult to cope with.

At 4 weeks old, I was alone, trying my hardest but it didn't seem good enough, I was stressed out to the max, I had enough, I went to the doctors and they diagnosed me with post natal depression, I was relieved! I wasn't going mad, and it wasn't my fault and to be honest I was doing fine being a young mum but my mind was playing tricks on me. I got the help I needed and moved out to live with my mum and dad for help. After moving in with my mum and dad I started getting back to being me, and sorting myself out. I learnt to cope with my depression by allowing myself breaks! I know it sounds silly to others but having a very clingy baby who wouldn't let you have a shower for 2 minutes or eat a full meal without crying it's hard.
I still had depression and medication but I was starting to feel like myself again, I was able to be me finally! I was still going through complications in my life and events but having a mental health problem you have to think about you and your little one.

For more blogs please go to


Post Natal Depression at 18! Part 1 #Depression #PostnatalDepression #Newmum #Part1 #young

After weeks of thinking I was losing it, being too emotional, trying to cope the best I can and all the tiredness, they finally gave me a term for what I was going through, 'Post Natal Depression.' I can say I've never been so relieved to hear the words, I thought it was just me, but I found out I wasn't alone.
I was in college getting my diploma in Arts, ICT and Design when I found out I was pregnant at 17, I was happy and hopeful but nothing prepared me for the things to come with pregnancy, birth and being a young mum.
Finding out I was pregnant at 17 was a big worry, I didn't find out in the best way I was pregnant and was worried about my families reaction. I found out after being really ill after having the implant (contraception) put in my arm. I was sick, headaches, sleepy, couldn't eat much and just felt.... BLAH! Finally made it to the doctors after 2 weeks, they told me to pee in a cup, didn't tell me why, it didn't really run through my mind the reason why and boom, they told me I was pregnant, I cried.. alot. The doctors were shocked at the fact I was pregnant with an implant in and didn't know what to do. Eventually they removed the implant and sent me straight to the hospital to have a scan for any complications.
I saw my little peanut and knew I wanted to keep the baby, they told me I was 8 weeks pregnant and had no complications... Until later on.
At 11 weeks my belly grew and I couldn't hide it anymore from college, family or friends. A lot of questions were asked seem as I went from being a stick to having a bit of a belly so I announced the pregnancy.
At 20 weeks I found out I was having a boy! I was so excited! I could finally start getting ready for my little peanut.
At 34 weeks I went into slow labour, this is where it got complicated. Every week from now on I was admitted to hospital due to contractions and extreme cramps, the contractions would eventually stop after 4-5 hours. Nothing was done to stop them as I wasn't dilating enough. More and more problems started, My belly was way too big for a tiny, skinny girl to carry around, I had a lot of back ache, leg pain and comments towards me, which made me feel uncomfortable, upset and my mood was down.
At 36 weeks, I had another scan to see how things were going, my little peanut was not so little anymore, I was shocked, how could I carry him to full term? Look at the size of him?
The day before his due date I went into labour at 7am, I was scared, excited, I didn't know what was going to happen, no-one prepared me for this. I rang my mum who was 2 hours away and said 'this is it', she rushed to my house and said 'Yep this is it, try and stay at home as long as you can cause once your in hospital that's it!' She took me round Sainsbury's in full blown contractions mode to get me walking as much as I could, this was embarrassing having contractions in Sainsbury's with people staring at me and timing the contractions, I gave up and told her we needed to go....

See full photo

1 year later!

Health Post: Long Caption/Story Below ↓

It’s been a year now. The picture on the left I have never shared with anyone prior to today. In the photo on the left I was 116 pounds with unmanaged chronic pain, working insane shift work, barely sleeping, & barely functioning. My pain got so bad I ended up so sick that I lost 56 pounds in just under 3 months!

I struggled with mental health for the first time & experienced crippling anxiety during this period of time. I lost a lot of people I cared very much about who did not understand what I was going through with my physical health & my new anxiety about my health. (I don’t blame others, it’s hard to understand at a young age unless you or someone you love has been through it).

Although a year later, things are not perfect. I am still not back to work but I’m making so much progress in learning to live with my chronic illness(es) and still be healthy and happy. I know I haven’t talked about my health much lately but with the change of seasons I feel like the three steps I’ve taken forward, I now feel like I’ve taken a step back. I’m not going to let this deter me however! Moral of this post: it gets better, it gets easier & healing is not linear or straightforward! Keep pushing 💕💪🏼
#ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #PCOS #WeightLoss #Healing #Anxiety #Pain #progress #Positivity #Motivation #Healing #MyofascialPainSyndrome #vitaminddeficiency #young #Canada #Osteoarthritis #osteomalacia #rickets #Migraine #PainManagement #PainAcceptance #GenitoPelvicPain #ItGetsBetter #BackPain #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #ChronicIllnessBloggers #blogger #Asthma #FoodAllergies #Allergies #PersonalGrowth #kneesurgery #Appendectomy #fighter #warrior #hormoneimbalance #HereForYou #pacing #TheMighty #MightyFeatures


I’m 24, I was a nurse and now I understand I can physically no longer do this. Any advice from others on new career paths? I feel lost! #Fibromyalgia #Pain #Nurse #Career #help #lost

I’m at a crossroads and am doing working with OT, PT, and a pain specialist to get back to work, but I feel like I no longer know who I am. I have no desire to go back to nursing. I feel lost. Any advice? Anyone changed careers? #ChronicPain #young #HealthAnxiety #Work #Jobs #careerchange #MyofascialPainSyndrome #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #vitamind #Osteoarthritis #Osteomyelitis #MyofascialPainSyndrome #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #ChronicIllness


The Best Years

I'm 20. I've been dealing with increasing symptoms since I was 16. There isn't an ending in site and the journey is so tasking as I know you all know. I turn 21 in February and I don't even know if I'll be able to properly celebrate like everyone else I know can. My boyfriends wants to go on a big vacation and I have to admit I can't plan like that right now. I can't stay at parties late because I get so tired. I have to drive separate to everything in case I need to leave early cause of a flare up. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and I'm stuck. My friends are fading away because I can't do activities with them. I'm trying... so hard to be normal and lead a normal life like other people my age. Why does it have to be so difficult #Undiagnosed#journey #lost #young #hard


Young and Disabled

As a young person with chronic pain, it’s often really difficult to find anyone in the same boat as you- trying to navigate teenage life wherein you should be going out, having fun, socialising, as well as doing work. I wondered if anyone else is the same, and empathised with the frustrations of sometimes(often) falling short of expectations. #Fibromyalgia #young #teenager #ChronicPain #Anxiety #expectations


Free flow of pain

I am laying down in my bed. Two fans our blowing on me. In my leg it feels like bbs are bouncing around
My knees ache , my wrsts ache, i ache.
“ but your to young to be sick.” I hear them say
I didn’t know pain and illness was for a specific age...
I’m lucky i have a doctor who pittys me, though tramadol flexeral and gabapenten is all i get, it’s more than some. Plus my mental illness meds.
She’s my doctor, my psychiatrist, my pain management specialist all wrapped into one, even tho she’s only a gp.
I’m having memory lapses.
The fatigue is dragging me under
The insomnia is pulling me up
It’s a constant battle between them. I’m lost in this world. I’m 23 but i feel much older both physically and mentally
I guess I’m an old soul...i wish that didn’t come with the body as well

#Fibro #Fibromyalgia #Insomnia #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Pain #Anxiety #young