Agoraphobia Without History of Panic Disorder

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    Zero Love & Belonging for me & now my body is continually rejecting me with new diseases too. Pain vs Suffering

    This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
    That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

    My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

    It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
    Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

    My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
    I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
    This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
    My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

    I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

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    I have epilepsy and a panic disorder. When ever I leave the house I’m afraid I’ll have a seizure. My service dog 🐕‍🦺 is supposed helps .Leaving scaresme

    #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder

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    bomb explosions #loudnoise #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder

    PTSD was a label I got when I was in m50's
    unknown to me when I was witness to explosions in Belfast in my early teens and a shooting.
    the panic/shivering/wishing I was not alive all came back after being bullied in work and being burgled.
    now that it was explained to me I can understand what the symptoms throughout my life were

    1 comment
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    Agoraphobia #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder

    After being inside for 8 months, I'm starting to think I have agoraphobia. I used to see a psychologist. Never been diagnosed. I used to have faith in medicine, but I'm becoming pretty disillusioned. All the time I used to spend in medical appointments, with such minimal results.
    #MentalHealth

    1 comment
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    Thoughts of Outside

    Sun, bright and warm
    Breeze, soft and cool
    body, tight and cold
    hard to breathe.... remember to breathe
    Fuzzy, dizzy, light goes in and out
    Blood vessels constrict..
    remember to breathe..
    Say something.
    Reach out.. throat tight
    Remember to breathe..
    Sit, feel the ground...
    You're a good person.. tap tap
    You deserve love.. tap tap
    You are kind.. tap tap
    You're good enough.. tap tap
    Remember to breathe..
    It's a feeling and feelings pass... tap tap
    This will too..
    Remember to breathe..
    Internal storm calming...
    Exhausted..
    Outside...
    Maybe tomorrow.
    #MightyPoets #Anxiety #Depression   #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder

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    It gives the hope to keep on being positive

    By not giving up on the fact that it surpasses the older desires and the stress it gives this person can make a better situation less stress. Less
    information is more time to realize this it will pass on. "All the goodness and the limited access will make it easier inside than the outer thoughts
    that are given or maybe given ,too. For those who will understand this
    it makes the mind makes better decisions being made CAN be given
    when the mind can make more logical sense.
    #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder

    1 comment