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Missing the wall
Before I started therapy I didn’t know that there existed walls in my brain. Walls that separated good memories from bad memories. It was hard beginning to break the wall. I was told that I needed to do this as a step to get better, and I trusted the professionals. But a part of me misses the old part of me who could laugh and live on pink clouds, because I had no recollection of the bad memories in that moment.
I can see that it is necessary to intergrate memories and different parts of me to function better. But still, I miss the childlike joy I could feel so intensly. I have to admit that the high and lows were more extreme before I started this process. I should be grateful, but I find it hard many days to be content with the in-between of feelings.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate. I am wondering if I’m in a state of grief and depression that will get better over time, or if this is the new me. Because I really miss the part of me who could be really enthusiastic over small things in my daily life.
#PersonalityDisorders #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DissociationDisorders #Depression
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