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Back for a break up rant

!!!! Trigger warning !!!! Self harm !!!!

Got drunk, eight big 60mls, two joints and a blunt later, my thumb's muscle memory dialled him up. Remembering your ex's number is a tough thing. He came over to talk. Told me about everything he did! What he hid from, what he was feeling, why he pushed me all over again, his family issues..... his self harm and suicide ideation. And that he's getting help and is two sessions down. A lot more of those for him to go. He kept apologising, kept asking me to be mad at him. I already forgive him. Maybe I'm just too understanding (People pleaser tendencies? Savior complex?)

He told me around the lines of "I'm not healthy for you. And i don't want to hurt you again. So i left, pushed you away and didn't contact you."
Is it wrong for me to contact him? Have hopes? I care about him but i don't love him. Every time he told me he still loves me, i would cry out of guilt because i can't reciprocate his feelings. Why is it that every time i finally start get better he starts to get worse? And when he's getting better taking help, and steps I'm already gone, boundaries concrete thick.

I went over to his place so we could talk more. I opened the door to broken wine glasses with dried blood on a few shards. Puke on the side of his bed, cut up beer cans and bottles of wine. He cut himself. On his thighs and stomach, they did not seem deep enough to have caused too much blood loss, but still!

I still care about him. Could this be my savior complex? Because i don't love him the way i used to. But at the back of my head i have hope, not for us to get together, but for his recovery. He hasn't told anyone when or whom he's going to for therapy. I suggested to go with him, so it can maybe speed it up? Ik they call the clients family, friends etc to get a better understanding. I'm all up for it!
But i don't want to get together with him. I need to put myself first. But will time-limited-text-only be okay? Will it give him the wrong idea? What if he puts his entire direction to healing and growing enough so he doesn't hurt me. But will contact during this process hurt him? When he clearly has feeling for me. But i don't..... Not romantically at least.

Guide me Mighty! PLEASE!

#Relationships #relationshipanxiety #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #GettingHelp #Loneliness #Anxiousattachment

6 reactions 5 comments

Still struggling at 50. #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #Identity #SocialAnxiety #relationshipanxiety

There is no way to keep this quick, but I'll try. I'm 50 and still battling with OCD, ADHD, panic, social and relationship anxiety, constant depression. I could take a conversation with a professional in so many directions in talking about my symptoms, my experiences, etc, to try to "get to the root of it", but it's never simple, and I'm now exhausted. However I HAVE to keep trying, but finding yet another therapist and doctor to trust and open up to is just so overwhelming. My life effectively ended at 17 when my first panic attacks took over, and from that very moment, I knew I'd never be the same. There are certain things I've been unwilling to openly discuss. I've seen many therapists, gotten a lot off my mind over the years (that probably saved my life), I've taken a million different prescriptions, but have never stuck consistently with therapy, never have been as open as I could be, and so have made only enough progress to manage the worst of my symptoms, and now I just exist. I feel I'm looking downhill at the rest of my life, craving my younger days prior to the onset of this horrible condition(s) with an aching and desperate heart to go back in time and experience even a second of peace again. With two daughters now turning into adults, no spouse or family around for support, I have more ongoing responsibilities now and need help now more than ever. I am terrified.

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“Like you’d run from the law.”#Anxiety #Depression #relationship

As trying as all these things have been...
I love him. I do. And I have never loved someone like this. And I know he loves me. And no one has ever loved me or taken care of me, looked out for me the way he does. And so these are the things I’ll hold onto. When I have doubts and the sinking feeling starts, I will not get hopeless. I will remind myself of the way he looks at me.
The way his hand feels intertwined with mine. Protective.
I will remind myself of how his arms feel around me, strong and supportive and unbreakable.
I will remind myself of how he listens to me, patient, understanding and without judgement.
I will remind myself of how he thinks of me, even in the smallest ways, bringing me my favorite candy or snack food just because.
I will remind myself of the way he makes me laugh. Big, whole belly laughs.
I will remind myself how loyal he is to me. Unwavering.
I will remind myself of the man that he is. True and authentic.
I will remind myself to trust his words when he says that I am not alone. That he is with me every step of the way.
And I will remind myself that though they are his family, he is who he is and our relationship is OURS. Beautiful and full of potential.

Because I love him.
Because I want him.
Because I want to be with him.
I want to grow with him.
I want to laugh with him.
I want to run with him.

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.”

#TaylorSwift #RelationshipOCD #Relationships #relationshipanxiety

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Still I'm so scared!

These are the cute little interactions we have and conversations and yet I am petrified of it all going wrong. I know it's not rational but the fear is real and very present. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #relationshipanxiety #FearOfAbandonment


Relationship Anxiety

The guy I’ve been seeing asked me to be his girlfriend last night, and all day today I’ve been on an absolute high, feeling so unbelievably happy. But then as the night goes on all I can think about is what if he leaves me. He hasn’t given me a single reason to believe he will ever leave me but It’s like I always think the worst. How do I stop feeling this way? Why won’t my mind just let me be happy? What do I do? #Relationships #relationshipanxiety

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Unwanted (Part 2 of 2)

Yesterday, I also repeated a pattern which always makes me feel worse: noticing that someone I love, someone extremely important to me, no longer loves me, I tried to look and be my best in hopes it would win their affection or approval. When I was a little girl, this used to occasionally work with my parents (actually it still does occasionally work), and I’ve resorted to it in desperation ever since: with my sister, with my ex-fiance. It never works, but I still TRY it; in fact it usually makes things worse, and that’s what happened yesterday. As with my ex-fiance, my partner scarcely even looked at me. I could barely keep my chin up yesterday. I was already heartbroken.

I am just very very sad, my Mighty friends. I feel grief-sick to my soul and guilty for still needing things from a person who’s sick of me, and I’m trying to hide it all in an effort to give him time and emotional/mental space without pressure and to be as gracious to my partner as he has always been to me. I love him so much, and my heart is breaking. I feel defeated — no one wants me, not even at my best, not even the person who loved me so very, very, very much. Why? Why have his feelings changed so much and so suddenly; what did I do?? It’s making me feel like I really am as awful as I always thought.

I’m trying so hard to just hold it together so that I don’t make an already-horrible-for-both-of-us situation even worse.

Thank you for reading my long, miserable post. I appreciate this community so much.

#Grief #Relationships #Sadness #relationshipanxiety #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #RareDisease #Spoonie #Spoonies #heartbreak #Love #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #BDD #unwanted #Trauma #Childhoodtrauma

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Unwanted (Part 1 of 2)

Please forgive me as I pour my heart out here — I’m not really sure where else to pour it out.

Some of you who know me from around The Mighty may know that in spite of being a person who loves many people and is involved with many things which matter to me deeply, THE most important person in my life is my partner, and THE most precious thing in my life is our relationship. This isn’t because I’m lacking in identity or looking to him for things I lack, but because our love truly is precious to me, and everything else in my world matters much less in comparison to that.

My partner and I have been separated since the start of quarantine, but last week, after three weeks of a hellish and dangerous ordeal for me, my partner came to pick me up. I am at his home now, slowly recovering from what was truly a traumatizing few weeks.

My partner was sad to be separated throughout quarantine, and we both struggled with being apart. When I told him I’d need his help and care after this recent ordeal, he was THRILLED that we’d be together again and that I’d finally be visiting him in his new home. We were both excited to have each other close again, and he was particularly happy not to have to be alone anymore in a place where he knows almost no one and everything is closed and cancelled because of Covid.

Imagine my heartbreak when, within 5 days, my beloved partner can scarcely stand the sight of me, was happier when he was alone than he is with me even though being alone caused him to slide into frequent depression, and seems to be currently reconsidering whether he wants to be in this relationship because his feelings for me are changing so drastically and rapidly. Meanwhile, I feel extremely in the way and am kicking myself for again being in a situation where I am a burden upon someone who, though ever-gracious, is sick of me. I love my partner with all my heart and soul, and if I allow myself to begin feeling the grief and devastation of losing this beloved person and relationship, I will have a complete breakdown and not be able to function or hide my pain — the LAST thing I want to do is leave my partner with that on his hands.

I am struggling with feeling unwanted and feeling like a burden, with also the possibility of losing everything most precious and beloved in my life, looming over the horizon.

My heart is breaking already. I look at all the pretty things I brought here to look nice when I’m with my love, and I want to cry. I think about all the fun things we wanted to do together while I visit, and my heart breaks. I think about what it will be like on the drive back when I know it’ll be the last time we see one another, and I want to wail with grief.

#Grief #Relationships #Sadness #relationshipanxiety #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #RareDisease #Spoonie #Spoonies #heartbreak #Love #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #BDD #unwanted #Trauma #Childhoodtrauma


#relationshipanxiety returns

I thought everything was getting better, hadn’t had the intrusive insecure thoughts about our relationship in a while and I really felt I could trust him and felt more confident in us then it’s all come back after his birthday, I’m having the intrusive thoughts ALL the time it’s so draining! Having the awful dreams about him cheating on me etc, waking me up throughout the night and in a fowl mood in the morning , keep checking his maps and snap score again , just reliving the same shit over and over it’s so draining and I can feel I’m frustrating him asking about girls all the time , don’t even know how to manage it at this point

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Losing the Partner I Love? Thoughts? Advice? Valentine'sDay?

My partner is the love of my life. In my mid-30s, I'm old enough and wise enough to know what that means, and I know how blessed I am with him. He is so much more than I ever would have hoped for or asked for. He's the most wonderfully supportive and understanding partner. For the first time in my life I feel loved the way I've always hungered to be loved, and we've both been hoping to share our futures together. I've never loved anyone more, or with more joy, or with more hope. It was surprising to discover that there's nothing I want and desire more than our relationship, our love, and our future together... Nothing at all, and that's saying a lot for me. This is the most important part of my life.

I've been sensing that my partner is pulling away from me, losing interest in me, frustrated or overwhelmed by my current needs, and preparing to leave me. But he's been insisting otherwise, and I tend to have anxiety around romantic relationships, so I've been trusting his word instead of my intuition. We live several hours apart, so it can be difficult to gauge emotion through messaging from day to day.

Last night he admitted some frustration, demonstrated disinterested, and finally admitted that he frequently hides his feelings to spare mine.  I'm more worried than ever that he resents me, has lost interest, and wants out.

I would be beyond devastated -- absolutely crushed -- if his feelings for me changed or if he left. I don't have another round of heartbreak in me... After 7 years, I was still healing from my last deep heartbreak when I met him.

Mighties, I'm not really sure what I need from this community right now. Prayers for our relationship, if you pray. Advice. Thoughts or support of any kind. I have no one else to talk to about this, and it's eating away at me, making it difficult to concentrate on a very full day of work.

If you have any Valentine's Day ideas appropriate to this situation, I'd very much appreciate them. We aren't going to be seeing each other, and I'm not sure if he wants to do anything at all, of if he feels obligated. I was working on a surprise for him all of last week, and then he ended up doing that for himself on Sunday. But in spite of all we're going through, I still want to do something, for the man I love so much.

Thank you, Mighties, for reading my post and listening to my sadness and fears. 🙏🏼

#Relationships #relationshipanxiety #Anxiety #Sadness #Depression #Valentines #ValentinesDay #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth #heartbreak #dontknowwhattodo #CheckInWithMe #Support #Advice #encouragement



I've had some bad exspirences with guys. not as bad as others, but it's made me very anxious and I've only started dating 5 months ago, for the first time at 22. the first guy I wasn't feeling attracted to so I broke it off. now I've been dating this one guy who is pretty cute and he is sweet but I don't have the same chemistry with him as I did with one guy I didn't date. it's a mess. but anyways, I try to not let my anxiety take over, but I've been freaking out a little. my anxiety making me sick (I have acid reflux). he does something's well, he's a gentleman and like I said, sweet, but he hasn't asked me about my book I'm writing, or my singing or thoes kind of things that are me. he doesn't seem to take notice of me the way I want him to, but I worry, is that just "Hollywood love" that doesn't exist outside movies. is that something I should wait for or is that just a childhood fantasy? I've been going back and forth in my head and it's hard to say what I want to say so my family sometimes doesn't understand me, nor does my friend, so I'm just trying to write it down and maybe like-minded people can help