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The fake Eden: Covered in red, buried in bloom

On a bright day, hand in hand with my possible savior, or the very start of my demise.

I see structures and symbols coming from the ground, majestic and beautiful, the sun shining through in all its might, but the further we go, the more peaceful and serene it seems.

Water flowing through a creek, gardens blossoming everywhere the eye can see.

My guests have no face, no body, merely presence as they lead me through, teaching me things, learning as I investigate my surroundings.

Deeper down I realize there’s a cemetery, no gravestones but there are people buried among the beauty of nature.

It’s when I hear the words whisper of a murder, my head pointed towards a direction of bushes that were red in color, growing over the identifying marks of the naked body, posed in such a form her modesty is barely maintained, the garden cradling her.

“She was murdered here, left alone amongst the land.”

Her skin cold, pale gray, almost the color of stone. It’s as if a hand reaches out to bring me closer to see, to investigate but I pull back and leave, disappearing into my next dream.

When I wake I research and write, ask the questions I feel I know the answers to already.

The dove and the serpent, crossing paths, waiting to see what I would choose.

What if that woman was me?

What if I peeled back the brush, the flowers and vines only to reveal my face, that child that was left behind, the woman that never got a chance to be.

What if it’s a trap?

What if I’m there to take her place?

To be killed and stuck in a vulnerable position, unable to speak any longer, unable to fight, unable to ponder.

I am left with a choice now that I am awake, now that I can think about it.

I can choose the path of the woman, lie on the ground and let the garden grow over me or be gentle as the dove, the lamb, putting my story and my faith out there.

‘Those who have ears let them hear.’

She will be silent no longer.

A warrior formed at the youngest of ages, realizing that her potentials been buried beneath that garden all along.

I have the faith, his strength, the heart of a lion but I walk amongst you a lamb, learning HIS ways.

Riding the camel back to ‘Egypt’ with my life before playing in front of me.

I will not bury this talent, I will not hide this mite. The story I have inside of me matters and it will be heard- I will make it on God’s good word.

#dreamstory #symbolism #fakeeden #Garden #womaninred #doveorserpent #holdtheswordproudly #hide #warrior #cancersurvivorstories #ADHD #CPTSD #scared #healingthroughwriting #cancersurvivorstories #Thoughts #personal

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Welp it looks like I'm going to urgent care tonight

I'm still having horrible dizziness. My ears don't hurt, they're not popping, and I can hear just fine. So I don't suspect vestibular issues. I really don't know what could be causing it. It's scary. The whole room is spinning. It's like every 15 minutes. I'm anxious about going to the hospital urgent care cuz what if it's something bad? But my caregiver said we're going. My mom was really rude. I hung up on her. She thinks I'm doing it for attention cuz I don't want to go to urgent care. She wouldn't understand.

We're waiting for our friend who drives for a living to get off work. My caregiver said she'd pay for it.

#scared #dizzyspells

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I’m sick 😷 #sad #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OppositionalDefiantDisorder #BipolarDisorder #CheckInWithMe #scared

I don’t usually get sick 😷 but I am at the moment and I’m scared 😱 because I don’t want anything bad to happen to me

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Helo darkness my old friend

Life has been so dark lately, and I can’t seem to find a way out. I am trying to focus on my work, going to the gym, running, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to get me out of here, my house is as much of a mess as my head. I’m tired of this chaos and really want it to be over, I want a clean slate , I though I was goi to get one this year, but I’m really struggling with my anxiety. I have been avoiding people because I just don’t think that I have any space for anyone’s issues, I’m also scared of the “Are you okay?” question because I know that’s going to break me down. I can’t seem to be able to quiet my thought, sleeping is a task without getting high, and yet the alcohol makes me feel even worse the next morning .I’m here because I’m just looking to vent without consequences #scared #anxious

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Friends #MentalHealth #alone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #scared

I wish I had at least one more friend irl that was available to hangout with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone it is said that with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder being alone and the fear of being alone is definitely a symptom of that disorder and that makes sense why I’m feeling the way I am right now

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Feeling Dark

I went for a 4KM run, come back and had a cold shower. I noticed, albeit subtle, a sense of being on the edge of an extremely dark cloud which then I went back into. I was triggered three months ago into a high state of alertness that I haven’t come down from but I haven’t noticed the cloud so much before. It’s as if it sits over my entire head and when it does, I don’t really feel able to communicate, feel joy or pleasure. I tried keeping busy this morning which is something I don’t usually do. I cleaned the bathroom and tried getting washing going too. Had breakfast and am sitting down. But that dark cloud is over me right now. #MentalHealth #physicalsensation #Anxiety #alone #scared #PTSD #Depression

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Scared

This morning I think I had a manic episode even though I am not diagnosed with BPD I talked to someone I'm close to because she witnessed it who is bipolar and she said it looked exactly like one. I'm scared you guys. Right after the episode, I found out my therapist who is the first man I have ever trusted 100% is leaving. He said he'd be here for me and he wouldn't abandon me. They always leave. I am shattered. #BPD #scared #abandoment

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Preanticipatory Grief

Have you ever felt #Grief before the person who is terminally ill has passed away? I know that it will happen, but I also know that my brain is unable to really focus. Since I am on #prozac it makes it difficult for some internal emotions to be displayed.

I am feeling #sad and feeling a sense of #Loss without actually experiencing it yet. I think that it is because my Aunt is very ill and should make it through the holidays if we are blessed enough for that. I am #scared because I know what it is like to lose a parent as I lost my Dad last year to #Cancer and it hurts like crazy.

It is also #horrible when you #Lose a job because you called out so many times. It is not a good feeling at all whatsoever. That is grief as well. I am struggling and I really would like a #friend .

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I’m scared and done with this society… does anyone even care…? | TW mentions of police, family, swearing, some all caps, possibly ableism?

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Being autistic feels like a fucking crime these days.

I was staying at a hotel because was about to lose my fucking mind staying at home with my youngest nephew making a lot a noise constantly throughout the day. What my dad said earlier about check-out, I’ve misinterpreted, but he fully apologized and takes full responsibility as he should’ve made it clearer.

I was getting ready to check-out, but it was an hour later because I was getting ready to check-out. Security came to my door and said that I needed to come out, and I told them that I was just getting ready to leave. Packing as fast as I possibly could, they came back again and threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t get out of there soon. I literally told them that I was packing as fast as I could and that I had an appointment an hour after the check up time (and I couldn’t reschedule or else my mom would have to pay over $100 for canceling ,and I didn’t want to do that to her!) … and of course they did care about that last part.

Pissed off, I left the hotel in tears and placed the card keys at express check out. I wanted to complain, but I didn’t bother because I was just so mad and honestly scared for my life.

My dad told me that the police part is just something they say to get others out. If this is a fucking neurotypical norm, I want to let you know: 1) I HATE being pressured or someone trying to rush me and 2) I HATE being FUCKING THREATENED, especially regarding something TO DO WITH THE POLICE! Are you kidding me?!?!

Society SERIOUSLY needs to know how traumatizing and/or stressful that is to hear for neurodivergent individuals who 1) completely misinterpreted what check-out restrictions mean, 2) are trying their fucking hardest to do something in time, and 3) LITERALLY MEAN NO FUCKING HARM!!!!!!!

Now, I’m fucking scared to even go outside anymore. I feel like society just doesn’t want me. I feel like society just sees me as a criminal, or just sees my autism as criminalistic.

I know I was overstimulated earlier with my younger nephew, but I’d rather deal with this and possibly lose my mind than be FUCKING THREATENED TO HAVE THE POLICE ONTO ME!

#IsThisAbleism #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #NeurotypicalNorms #StopThis #Police #overstimulated #Norms #scared #Stress #Society #venting #Vent #triggerwarning #MentalHealth #Ableism

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Going back to God

Hi Everyone I am trying to bea better Christian for myself and for God. I left because I was going through a lot in hindsight I should have stay but I didn't. #stressed #scared

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