The last few weeks I've been in a dark place with depression and my anxiety picking up.
Working through my trauma with my psychologist. Today has been a hard day with my appointment. So some self care hot shower and a few hours reading and cuddles from my little lady trixie. She just knows when I need some cuddles. #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #complextrauma #TherapyPet
My nanny (grandmother) came over today’s she stayed for a few hours and for a little while I managed to forget all about my baby, Storm. I even put a little make up on. But when she left and I was alone in my room it all came crashing back.
I’ve seen death before. In animals and humans. But I just can’t seem to wrap my head around this. One second there was life and the next everything about my Storm was erased. Her personality and character just disappeared. It takes ONE second for them to disappear. A life time of memories, experiences... Gone. In a second.
It’s just hard to understand that and be okay with it.
#TherapyPet #Loss #Hamster #Death #Depression #Understanding
I miss her so much and I can’t seem to wrap my head around it all. It hurts. But I feel a bit better today. It’s going to be a long journey through grief but as many of have said - I need it.
Thank you all for your kind words.
The photo above is from the first day that I brought her home.
I know it seems silly or unusual but my therapy pet was a hamster named Storm. I named her that because she had white fur (like Storm in the X-Men), and because the day I brought her home we had the biggest thunderstorm I’ve ever known. We hadn’t had any rain in the area for nearly 60 days. And the day I brought her home a massive thunderstorm hit.
I bonded with her very quickly. She liked to climb up my body and sit on my chest or my shoulder. If I had my hair down she’d curl up on my shoulder right at the nape of my neck. She would jump into my hands and take food from me. She always made me smile. Whenever I was in too much pain to leave the house I’d get her out of her cage and she’d fall asleep on my belly when/if I laid down. If I was depressed beyond help I’d play with her and she’d cheer me up.
She helped me through so much. Then earlier today at about 6:15pm I noticed her lying on the top level of her cage - something she didn’t usually do. Then she moved abruptly and flopped back down. I literally screamed for my mum (who had also brought a hamster the same day as me, but her hamster died several months ago). Mum came running in. She managed to get Storm out of her cage but she wasn’t moving much.
I started to hyperventilate and I sobbed so hard it felt like I was going to vomit. Mum said Storm was cold. She gave my baby to me and I held her as she jolted a few times and started to vomit a little bit. And just as I called the vets she started to go limp. Her laboured breathing stopped and she just curled up. It was too late. We think it was a heart attack.
I feel lost. I feel irreparably broken. I’ve been crying non stop every minute since. And then I realised the date. I brought her home on 24th July 2018. Two years ago to the date.
My mum keeps telling me that I was with her at the end, that she knew she wasn’t alone and that she knew she was loved. Mum said that she wanted for nothing. I was always buying bags of dried banana chips for her, and dried pineapple cubes. Those were her favourites. She had a comfy bed and lots of toys. And just last night I saw her running on her wheel so fast you couldn’t even see her little legs! She was moving her stuff all around her cage...
I’d been in bed with a migraine most of the day, so I couldn’t see her cage. I keep wondering how long she could have been there? How long was she alone? I feel like a terrible human being.
And it hurts so much.
#TherapyPet #Animals #Hamsters #Depression #hurt #Loss #help
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