Transman

So this week my docs told me I now have type 2 diabetes and have at some point in the recent past have suffered from a heart attack, must have been mild because I had no idea, but with a shit life history in general, mother who never wanted me, uncle who abused me, being made homeless, father getting in touch and then saying he wants nothing to do with me all before the age of twelve then after that I was put of steroids for asthma and swelled up to become obese fair to say my life has been spent in isolation unintentionally but just the way it went, now only being 32 being told that, after suffering from depression for over a decade, I don't know if I can continue the suffering of life itself.
If an animal was suffering we put it down to be humane but why is that not acceptable for humans why is suicide not acceptable when suffering is too much, I have never had much quality of life and been alone for far too long.
#Depression #Anxiety #Transman #Diabetes #Agoraphobia #Asthma

Been alone for years but lately it's become unbearable, struggling to fight intrusive self harming thoughts really need some reassurance to get through this batch of rock bottom #ChronicDepression #Depression #Anxiety #Asthma #Transgender #Transman #EhlersDanlosSyndrome

I am having a biopsy this morning. It took me a while to fall asleep last night, and I only got a few interrupted hours before waking up with my mind racing. There are a lot of factors making this difficult. Of course the cancer scare. My mom had breast cancer. But also, I had shoulder surgery 6 weeks ago and I have very limited range of motion on the same side as the lumps and enlarged lymph node. I am going to have to have my arm in a position that is going to be uncomfortable for much, much longer than it has been in for a very long time. This procedure could interfere with the repair I just had (rotator cuff repair, biceps tenodesis, and debridement). My surgeon suggested I postpone it, but the radiologist was firm that she didn't want to wait longer than 2 weeks after the ultrasound. It's been 2 weeks and I just got out of the sling a few days ago. The surgeon is worried about it freezing from the increased pain, not that the procedure itself will damage anything. So I am concerned. I am going to work closely with my physical therapist.

I am also very uncomfortable going to the breast biopsy clinic as a trans man. The pamphlet they gave me about the procedure said to "wear comfortable clothing and a bra." I had top surgery (a double mastectomy with chest reconstruction) about 11 years ago, but breast tissue is left behind to create contouring so I still have a risk of cancer. I do not wear bras and want to express my displeasure in the wording in their pamphlet. I feel like I am not a patient they include or know anything about. That makes it extremely difficult to feel prepared and comfortable for the biopsy.

I've also been experiencing a bunch of other symptoms including fatigue, unintentional weight loss, and slightly high white blood cell count for the last year.

Another concern is the ultrasound report my doctor got. It didn't have any information besides the enlarged lymph node. There was no mention of the lumps. It did say the ultrasound was limited due to recent surgery, but not what the lumps were. I think they told me during the ultrasound, but I don't remember. My memory is poor, especially when I'm anxious, so I asked for my partner to be present for the results. But the radiologist started talking to me before the tech let him in and didn't repeat everything I asked her to. After a week and a half of calling to get answers, they said the radiologist will do a repeat ultrasound at the biopsy.

Then I have to wait for the pathology results over the holiday.

This is so overwhelming as a person who already has severe anxiety. I'm grateful to have the support of my chosen family.

#BreastBiopsy #BreastCancer #Transgender #Transman #rotatorcuffsurgery #Anxiety

I'm starting HRT (testosterone specifically) tomorrow!! I'm ecstatic. If anybody has any advice I'd love to hear it. I can't wait!!! #Transgender #trans #Transman #HormoneReplacementTherapy #LGBT

Why is it when you are alive and struggling asking for help here there and everywhere, no help is given.
But if I were dead they would say why didn't they reach out for help.
I don't need phone calls that last 20 until the tears stop.
I need the help that tells you how to keep living when you have nothing to live for except for the daily struggle.
Honestly don't know what else to do.
All I can think about is selling all my stuff, paying off my debt, have money for cremation and ending it all.
Calling the mental health team did nothing, they said to call the GP because I was no longer under their care.
Do I have to hurt myself before I get real help?
#Depression #Anxiety #Transman #SufferinginSilence #Agoraphobia #alone #help

For over a year I have been struggling to find a reason to live.
I decided to go back to university to do Nutrition and Behavior.
Bit of background, at 27 I had an accident and fractured my spine in 6 places. Left a part time job at Lidls to work for Boots opticians full time. My first full time job so excited got through the training super quick 68% in 2 weeks and it was meant to last 3 months!
Sadly they fired me with no real reason given.
Fighting pain daily and the confidence hit was big.
Finally get a job with H&B health store but my mental health has declined with no reason to live. I decide to go back to uni all excited and everything finally signed and dated.
The course is only run on a Tuesday. Bare in mind I only work less than 20 hours a week. My boss tells me he will have to cut my hours to replace the Tuesday shift.
Here in lies the problem. I am on Universal credit, if I work less than 16 hours then I have to work full time looking for full employment so bye bye Uni.
What the heck am I meant to do. Tuesday is possible without me but my boss just wants to go home early on a Tuesday, this guy has everything and is 5 months younger than me. Wife, kid, house soon, full time job and he is a manager.
Typical story of people that have it all take everything from those who have nothing.
My choice
Uni or financial security.
I have nothing going for me right now, no money, no family(except mum), no friends, job I tolerate.
Uni was the only thing I had to look forward to and now I can't have that.
It was meant to be a way out of this life.
Even the thought of postponing uni for a year is causing me to fall apart.
I don't think I can hold on much longer.
The only thing that has stopped me doing the drastic is the pain it would cause my mum but even that feels like a small reason to keep living through all this loneliness and pain.
All I can think of is if I could just have a live hug tight and long just something to tell me my life is worth it other than words.
Work won't care if I'm dead I would be replaced in a heaetbeat.
I need some real answers to why I shouldn't.
Because right now I feel like I'm a decade away from having a fraction of a decent life.
I am trans and the waiting lists are over 5 years.

#SuicidalThoughts #Depression #Pain #Anxiety #whybother #Agoraphobia #Transman #help