Avoidance

I’ve never been the type of person who fears #Relationships without strings.
Casual connections don’t scare me. Emotional intimacy without romantic commitment doesn’t scare me. What does unsettle me is when someone isn’t honest about what they want (with me or with themselves.)

Recently, I got involved with someone I genuinely liked. We’ll call him Cole. And from the beginning, I tried to be upfront about who I was: an atheist, someone who doesn’t want biological children, someone who values honesty even more than commitment. He assured me none of that bothered him. He said it three separate times, actually.

But beneath those reassurances sat unspoken truths (truths he didn’t share until everything was already unraveling.)

One evening, out of nowhere, he told me he had been intentionally avoiding messaging me. Not because he was busy, not because he needed space, but because he was bothered by the very things he claimed didn’t matter. Suddenly my lack of #Religion (which wasn’t a problem before) became the center of his discomfort. My disinterest in #Motherhood miraculously turned into something he had secretly struggled with the entire time.

It was jarring. Not because he felt differently, but because he never said it.
Because he let me believe something that wasn’t real.

Then came the line that told me everything I needed to know: “If I wasn’t interested in you, I would’ve just ghosted you.”

I remember feeling a weird sense of disorientation, like he was offering that as some kind of comfort. As if the bare minimum (not disappearing) was meant to reassure me.

Of course, ironically, he soon began ghosting anyway.

When he finally resurfaced, it was with:
“I just need a break. I’m not ready for a relationship.”

It’s a familiar excuse. It’s gentle enough to soften guilt, vague enough to avoid accountability. But by then, the damage wasn’t the lack of commitment; it was the lack of transparency.

I’ve had casual relationships that were healthier and more emotionally stable than this one, because they were built on honesty. I’ve been in non-romantic intimate relationships that thrived simply because all parties were clear about expectations. But this? This was a slow erosion of trust disguised as politeness, wrapped in half-truths, and delivered only when silence became too heavy to maintain.

What made it more complicated was that faith suddenly entered the conversation. This was not something he lived consistently, but as something he used to justify withdrawing. He spoke about Christian values while simultaneously doing things his own faith would call dishonest, selfish, or irresponsible. As an atheist, I don’t judge people for their beliefs, but I do notice when someone’s actions don’t match the moral framework they claim to follow.

In the end, I wasn’t angry that he wasn’t ready. I wasn’t angry that our values didn’t align. What hurt was that he didn’t trust me enough to be straightforward.

Relationships (romantic, casual, or undefined) all rely on the same foundation: transparency. We deserve the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable. Especially if it’s uncomfortable. Being upfront doesn’t guarantee a relationship will last, but avoiding honesty guarantees it won’t be healthy.

What I learned from this experience is simple: I don’t need commitment from someone. But I do need clarity.
I don’t need someone to share my beliefs. But I do need their actions to match their words. And I don’t need perfection. I just need someone who respects me enough to tell the truth.

#Avoidance might feel easier in the moment, but it always ends in more hurt than honesty ever would. And while I walked away disappointed, I also walked away with something valuable: a renewed commitment to holding my boundaries, communicating openly, and refusing to make myself small for someone who isn’t ready to meet me with the same level of transparency.

If anything, this experience reaffirmed what I’ve known all along: Transparency isn’t just important: it’s the quiet backbone of every healthy connection.

The article related to addiction to avoidance which was pinned in the group hit close to home.

I acknowledge that I'm avoiding working on my thesis with sleep and mindless activities. I need to work on it and want to work on it. Any tips on strengthening self discipline or overcoming avoidance?

Anyone has such experience or thoughts that you could share?

One of the thing I was trying to instil in myself is "it's harder to think about doing it than to do it". So just do it.
Easier said than done though..

Trying to improve myself. Any input appreciated, thank you!
#Avoidance #Depression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

I must admit, since being back home from inpatient, a lot of the things I learned there got put on the backburner. There were definitely times I used what I learned, but not to the amount I wanted and needed to.

I did (and still do) want to take it all slow and be patient with myself. However, a few problems I had to deal with lately made me realize that I was using avoidance and procrastination like I used to.

I have had this habit of avoiding difficult situations, or situations where I or someone else could get hurt. Logically so, but that's me trying to stay in control of things that I am not logically able to control. Regardless of whether or not I am in the situation things could go bad for me or that other person. Except in some of these situations there is also potential for good experiences and greatness if I do get involved.

Pushing people or experiences away automatically doesn't give you that opportunity, and it's time to start believing that I (we) deserve happiness and it's not our responsibility to shield others from hurt that is not in our control. I (we) can't constantly put others needs and possibilities at happiness before our own. The truth is that maybe both you and those other people deserve that opportunity, but that doesn't mean you need to remove yourself from that just because you don't want any hand, no matter how miniscule, in making someone sad.

If I (we) avoid any situation where it can happen, I (we) might as well do nothing, because life is unpredictable and sucky sometimes. Sometimes we have to grit our teeth or white-knuckle through it for a moment. These situations can be very scary and based on very real and logical situations that have hurt us or traumatized us. So, it will be scary, but I am now way better equipped to deal with a situation if it does become like a traumatic experience.

I don't want to miss out on a great friendship, relationship, job, general experience, etc., just because I haven't done it before or because it scares me.

#PTSD #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Avoidance #triggers #Procrastination

Hey, I joined the mighty app a few months ago. I have found it really helpful and is the only platform that I see as a safe space. Nonetheless, I am still consumed by anxiety when I think about or try to post. I have OCD and I overthink and over analyze just about everything. Everything I do has to live up to these extremely unrealistic expectations that I set for myself and only myself. So, something as simple as posting sends my mind into a frenzy and the dominos begin to fall. Anxiety ->perfectionism->obsession-> failure to meet expectations -> panic -> crippled by panic -> *crash* and I give up. Then I walk away and begin the endless cycle of avoidance, procrastination, resentment and guilt.

It’s a lose lose situation. Trying to post makes me uncomfortable and not posting makes me uncomfortable.

Even writing about how uncomfortable I am about this makes me uncomfortable hahaha.

But that’s okay. Being uncomfortable is a part of life and today I’m choosing to fight through it.

And guess what? I did it and I’m so damn proud of myself!

Sending love and a big hug to anyone who could use one.

Happy Holidays!

#Anxiety #PanicDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Unrealisticexpectations #perfectionism #Avoidance #Procrastination #resentment #Guilt #Uncomfortable #proud #Accomplishments #firstpost #progress #MentalHealth

#Anxiety #Depression #Avoidance

I've got this horrible trait, where I feel lonely but then don't answer the door when it knocks. Ever.
To be fair I didn't know they were coming. And now I feel ignorant.
#BPD #Depression #Avoidance #Notcoping