So I don’t know who I can talk to about this really. I guess it will have to wait for my counseling visit when I get back to CA. I got upset tonight, after a lovely and special day. We watched the total solar eclipse in Public Square in Cleveland Ohio with our daughter her love. It was spectacular! We went to opening day at Progressive ballpark, for The Guardians. They won 4 to 0 against The Chicago White Sox.
It was the eighth inning when my daughter and I were talking..She noted that since we moved nine months ago, that there were most likely no more of her childhood things in our house.-I told her that any of her toys or her sisters I gave to The American Cancer Thrift store. I told her I kept two of her childhood drawings.(They are on the doors inside our linen closet.)
I also said that I found a drawing that her sister (my oldest who estranged herself from us) did at around 10 years old..titled “Acapulco Deli Barf!” I told her the story behind the deli..She remembered going there. It was apparently very graphic for both daughters! I suppose it was the bizarre food variety, Lambs legs, calves tongue,intestines,and God knows what else!?
I mentioned that I was thinking about mailing the drawing to her sister.-That maybe she’d get a kick out of it.? She told me to:”Leave her alone.!” She also said that anything I sent her was going to go through my son in law, and he’d do whatever with it as he saw fit! It occurred to me that my oldest daughter never even read the letter I sent her one year and eleven months ago.
I don’t even know what I apologized for, nor what I did to that child?! I sent a letter and two packages with kid things that I’d kept for her. She didn’t even pay me the respect of looking at it!?
At the game, I felt myself getting angry, sad, and I felt disrespected..I try to be grateful, but wow it’s hard sometimes! I Love my oldest daughter, but I don’t know how I feel now. She’s the child who constantly tried to throw herself out of our lives without reason. I felt myself losing composure..I thought I was going to burst into tears. I excused myself and tried very hard not to lose it in the stadium restroom.
Why does my oldest daughter hate me so badly? What did I do to make her shut me out completely? I can’t help that she has Stage 4 HER 2 breast cancer! I did not give it to her! If I could take the illness from her myself, I would! My heart is broken. I hurt so very deeply some days..
I don’t want to have my oldest daughter’s craziness affect my relationship with my younger daughter. I Love that daughter dearly..though I wish she hadn’t said what she did. Maybe I would have been ok with the delusion that there’s a chance that my older child, would allow herself a walk down memory lane as a child if I mailed her the funny art works she’d done back then?-When things were good, and perhaps she felt Loved by us?-When she was free always to express herself. Lord knows we tried..
My youngest and I were relatively quiet on the way, of her and her boyfriend dropping us off at our air b n b. They said that they’d forgotten to give their dog water, before heading out on the day. We understood. Plus, maybe we’d spent enough time together for the extended weekend?
My husband told me tonight that he gave up on our oldest daughter or caring about her two years ago…That’s hard for me to hear that. He’s her dad. Did he ever really care, or love her? Why do I feel he’s just devoid of any emotion? I know he feels, but what? He only feels sadness for how I feel for how this is all so difficult for me.? What else?
I hoped writing about this would help me, but I’ve only cried a lot. I try to be positive, but some days, no matter what’s happened around me, if something gets me..I just don’t feel well. #Depression #Cancers (daughter) #Loneliness #MentalHealth