A few months back I made a huge mistake thinking I was doing what my wife wanted. I thought that she wanted to get divorced, I was so wrong and now I have lost everything in this world I truly care about. This is really hard for me to write through all the tears(I haven't cried for 28 years until now).
As each day passes I lose my mental state being away from the one woman I can truly say I love and would die for. On top of that she has my children as well and will not communicate with me at all. She has blocked me from everything. Now all I feel is that because I'm so fucked in the head with this BPD and made a horrible mistake, I'm losing everyone in my life. I truly feel alone and abandoned.
I have been hurting now for so long and can finally show signs of the emotions I feel, I just want my wife to see that I do feel and that I can cry. If my wife would read this I would say...
To my beautiful wife I'm losing because I could never be what I needed to be.
I'm so sorry for all the pain I put you through
I'm sorry for never being able to open up to you
I'm sorry that you never saw me cry
Now I cry every night missing you
I miss the sound of your voice
I hate that I turned your beautiful voice into bitterness
I wish I could change things but I can't
I know I'm losing you for good this time
I know that if you were talk to me I'd cry
I know if I could see you again tears would fall
If you were to hug me I'd break down
If you ever see this know I love you
I will always love you and miss you
I wish I could do anything to put our family back together
I pray and hope this is not forever.
I don't even know what to do anymore. My health is rapidly declining being separated from the people that are my lifeline. I don't want to die and I don't want to kill myself. My body is literally failing me more each day. My kidneys have stopped working as they should, my degenerative disc disease continues to get worse and I can't sleep at all anymore being alone. I miss my family so much it's literally killing me. What do I do? I feel so lost. I just want my family back and the woman I love to forgive me