Epiphany

Had a therapy session this morning and aside from all the processing we talked about how to create meaning from the pain. I am still in the stages of doing this but it has made me less adamant about getting an apology or explanation from those that hurt me.

Creating meaning out of my experiences has taught me that it is okay to not get an apology. No one can tell me the meaning of my experiences. We are each the authors of our own stories. No one dictates what is and isn't traumatic for us. This really opened my eyes. I had so many people telling me what my experiences with abuse were and how I should feel about them.

Now I realize that only I can say what was traumatic and how I feel about it. I am the author of my own story and I can create whatever meaning I choose. I can end strong and know that I came out the other side. I can close this chapter and start a new one.

Though I am still healing and processing I can slowly create meaning from my experiences. I can piece together my story. I know the truth of what I went through and that is enough, even if it's not enough for others. I am enough and so are you.

What meaning will you make out of your experiences? Don't beat yourself up if you're still figuring that out just like I am, it's okay. Creating meaning takes time. And meanings change over time. This is okay. I hope my insight can help you today.

#Meaning #Life #Experiences #Therapy #PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Healing #Writing

Hello, my friends!
My name is Shubham and today, I'd like to share something
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 18 and ever since, life had been a massive struggle
I faced problems in all areas of my life
My education - for which I dropped out twice
My family - where I lost most of them because of my ill temper
Love - where I got broken twice
Between all of this, I was shattered somewhere.. I became a person so crude, I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I was ashamed of myself and everything that I did, seemed a waste
I'm soon to be 25 and as I see the world around me, I am nowhere where the rest of my peers are
I've pondered ending my life
I've pondered running away
But, something always stopped me
I never could acknowledge what that something was
All my life, I've been told that I was a prodigy and I used to laugh it off
I used to pride myself because of it , but never capitalised on it.. lazying around, letting everybody do my work for me
I've had this intuition, that I could do wonders with my life but I was always complacent
Another thing, I was a heavy smoker.. 20 cigarettes a day was common
Marijuana was a regular past time
Plus, I take bipolar meds, which are extremely extremely harmful for my body..
My kidney could fail, I could have a stroke and what not
I never used to pay heed to any of it.. I was just living, without a purpose
Not until 13 days ago, to this day..
Just laying on my bed, I was rewinding all that was said to me by everyone who I loved..
The good things and the bad..
And I was struck by a thought, which chilled me to my bones..
Death! I visualised my death
Somehow, for the first time, I feared death
And a chill ran down my body
It felt like I was sinking in the bed, like I was going to die at that very moment
And that I would die without anything..
And that was the end of it..

It's been 13 days..
And I'm ready to take on life
#Epiphany #Life #Death

One of the things I always hear about treating #Depression is to learn to recognize and start to change your negative self-talk. To be honest, I have had a difficult time with this. I know that I don't have the most positive self image and that I carry a lot of #Shame , but I rarely seem to catch myself saying nasty things even in my head. I thought that maybe I was just unaware or paying attention to my thoughts in the wrong way or something.

Today, I was getting ready for work. I'm in my 30s, but I'm having trouble with breaking out on my forehead lately for some reason, so when I saw a large red zit on my face, I turned away from the mirror and said aloud, "Lovely. That's so nice." And I suddenly heard it. I suddenly recognized it. I suddenly understood.

When I was growing up, my parents policed our word choice quite strictly. We weren't allowed to say anything that even sounded a bit like a curse word or like taking the Lord's name in vain. I remember my siblings and I making up some of our own words to insult each other. At one point, "plum" was the worst insult in our home - no clue how that developed! Anyway, what I think happened is that we just started using positive words sarcastically to express judgment, scorn, and anger since we weren't allowed to say the negative ones. And I think we were imitating my mom when we did this.

So I've grown up with this self-talk that is more like, "well, that was clever!" or "nice try," or "looking good," all expressed sarcastically to mean the opposite of the words themselves. It's no wonder I haven't been able to identify words like stupid, ugly, or useless in my self-talk. And maybe it's no wonder why I have such a difficult time accepting a compliment at face value if it includes words like smart, beautiful, or amazing. I just thought I was self-conscious when I actually learned to distrust anyone who used these words since they were used as insults when I was growing up.

Has anyone else discovered this kind of self-talk in themselves? How did you overcome it?

#Selftalk #Epiphany #sarcasm #Selfimage #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD

I've had an epiphany today that got me thinking seriously for a few minutes. Everything I do or say is for others.
The only reason i feel the need to do something productive is because i feel i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to waste time. I don't deserve to have fun. It's like there needs to be this balance where I can only do something fun if I do something productive.
The problem with the balance is that in force other people to do it too. I drive my sister insane by controlling every single thing she does.
Why don't I deserve it? Why do I feel like I don't deserve it?

Today has been anything less then stressful. the fact that quite often I’ve had to continue to be within reach, or pretty much on top of my two kids (whom are four and five) absolutely being embarrassing and horrible will not listen to my constant warning of putting them into a chair. This happening again for the millionth time even though they’ve been put there for the millionth time before and are rolling around and being absolutely horrible little kids rolling on the ground and acting like complete animals while I’ve told them and getting emotionally frustrated while trying to sign papers with my kids dad for a purchase of an new car.. since the one I’ve been driving is and has been starting to act up again for the millionth time and now is almost stalling and dying while I’m driving anywhere especially the highways around here in my town. Anyways while we were out signing papers for the new car, I was trying to control my animalistic of children whom were listening, I’m becoming emotional and frustrated, and he’s kinda “instructed them to kindly “stop” . And yet they’re still doing it!! And I’m still frustrated that isn’t working and my son is screaming,about nothing like normal cause his bandaid came off and it’s his fault it got taken off, cause he was playing with it . When I told him not to .. anyways all this and I only get a little help from my kids dad (and by the way this is the very reason why I’ve remained to call him this after this and every point) . He’s sat there almost finished with the paper work, and just for me trying to ask for more help with our kids mind you; he sat threatens to straight up walk out on me completely and let me figure it out on my own. I’m kinda pissed cause in realization he’s done this quite a lot, and now he’s reminded me that we’ve have to work on things between “us” in order to keep this car. Because in all reality I can’t afford a car on my own with my credit; which isn’t any. He’s threatened other things also like; using our kids events that’s happened . Or fuck ups that one or both I’ve done in the relationship; or abuse between the both of us emotionally and Physical. I’m kinda stuck on something’s and movement towards what I think I need to do for my heart and kids .. :/

Death.
I fantasized about death every day.
How beautiful it was.
How peaceful it must be.
How it’s the only thing that’s guaranteed to happen the minute you take your first breath.

Death is permanent.
Death is forever.
Death is eternal.

Life.
I feared life every day.
How dangerous it was.
How scary it is.
How unknown the future actually is.

Life is short.
Life is (maybe) 85 years.
Life is not a promise.

26.
I am 26 years old.
26 years of desiring something promised.
26 years of fearing something that’s not.

I think it’s time...

I AM GOING TO LIVE THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE. #Life #Death #Epiphany #loveyourself