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Ranting about how this world is making my mental illness worse and how I just wish I was normal. Friday, may 27th, 2022 3:48pm.
Just a random thought. Not random actually. I have this thought a lot lately. I'm currently not able to work. Not full time. Not even part time. I can hardly keep my composure in the "comfort" of my home. Due to the cost of everything going up, practically doubling, the cheaper things that I used to get to eat breakfast/lunch or just snack on until dinner time once my boyfriend comes home has gone up and I dont even get that anymore. I don't have an income so I feel guilty for literally everything. I think about everything I do and the cost of it and how I'm not paying for it. Everytime I eat I feel guilty. Everytime I take a shower for longer than I think I should I think about how that's going to effect the water bill. I didn't use to be this bad. I used to be very independent and could not only fully support myself but another person and some animals as well. Now I feel completely defenseless and vulnerable and like scum of the earth. I absolutely hate going grocery shopping because I'm thinking about how I'm not contributing and it's soully coming out of my boyfriend's check. I don't even get anything for myself to eat anymore, I just wait until dinner. I have PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. Therefore I already don't do well out in public and the guilt I feel for not helping pay for things in this extremely expensive world is literally about to take me out. I can't just tell my boyfriend to go in by himself because he gets mad and doesn't get anything we really need. He doesn't want to get everything we need at once so we don't have to go back to the store multiple times a week. I'm not ok with that because I absolutely hate going in places especially multiple times a week. It's just a reminder of how I'm not productive and I'm not helping. Then he asks my opinion on what we should get and the things that I say is always something "he can live without" so I just get irritated and that increases my anxiety and then turns into full blown panic and I have to leave the store and it's just always so dramatic and a shit show. The prices of everything going up is really making everything more complicated and adding extra stress and more existential guilt. I feel like I'm suffocating in this world. I feel trapped. I don't agree with any of what's going on in the world with the prices of everything going up. It's unlivable. Unaffordable unless you're getting some form of assistance and then then you're still struggling. We don't get any assistance at all. We were denied food stamps. I feel like it's my fault that we're struggling so bad and honestly it is. If I was a normal person I could work and everything would be more manageable. I've been in counseling for a year and seven months and it's helped a little bit but not enough to where I'm magically fixed and can work and do normal people things. My counselor got me set up with a psychiatrist and a psychologist and I'm waiting to go through with that the 16th of June. I had a very horrifying experience with Zoloft the antidepressant and it sent me to the emergency room. They ruled it all off as a panic attack. That trip I had from the Zoloft took my mind and headspace somewhere I haven't fully returned from. It made me see the world different. That was a year and a half ago. October of 2020. That was really when shiiz hit the fan for me and I've never been the same. I haven't been able to work sense. I worked for roughly 2 months at the end of last year into the beginning of this year. It was a disaster and all it was was a 2-3 hour a day Monday through Friday cleaning job working with another person. I couldn't handle that. Different triggers would set me off. From the way the day just felt in general, the weather, a certain smell, often the chemicals used for cleaning, the way someone would look at me, to a random body sensation. I was a whole mess. I was chronically fatigued. I couldn't hardly walk or hold my body up. I was in a lot of pain. It wasn't even from the labor of the job. It was just the stress on my body from the panic anxiety and depression I deal with. It once again put me out of work and was extremely discouraging. I have a difficult time maintaining the house and basic chores due to the fatigue and pain I feel everyday all day just from existing with these mental illnesses. I don't know how I am supposed to pull my own weight. The thought of working 8 hours a day 5 days or more a week is unfathomable to me. I wouldn't physically or mentally be able to do it. I was told by my counselor to think about applying for disability benefits and that thought shook me. It wasn't until this last couple weeks I decided to start that process. It's a hard pill to swallow knowing that there's an invisible illness in my head that makes me unable to work and fend for myself. I'm calling a disability lawyer this coming week and I'm going to go forward with it. I'm not sure if I have a case or not. I know nothing about this process but I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. I see people on the streets sometimes and I can't help but to think that it it weren't for my very patient and loving boyfriend I would be standing there with them. I'm not blind to the fact that I would be homeless if it weren't for someone helping me. I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like my lively hood is in someone else's hands. I don't want people thinking I'm using them or something. I hate this mess I'm in. I have a hard time accepting that I even am applying for disability. But I need it because this is the real world and you gotta fend for yourself you can't rely on anyone. I hope that I will eventually be able to work part time at least. I felt much better when I was working. But for some reason something has a hold on me. I feel weird about telling people I'm applying for disability because there's a stigma on mental health and when it comes to telling people that I'm applying for disability due to mental illness they look at me like I owe them some explanation and am explanation for that is not simple. I've been so irritated and angry at myself and this world I've.almost. completely isolated myself. I don't want to be around noone because I don't have anything positive to say. I'm tired.of. only talking about this deep.emotional stuff because that's the only thing I feel. It consumes me
.I guess.ill stop here. Thanks for reading if you have read all this. I don't expect anyone to. I just like the ability to vent and hopefully go back and read it all one day and see progression and how far ive come. #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #hermit #social isolation #SocialAnxiety #inflation #Guilt #Disability #amidisabled #MentalHealth #Journal #venting
