This Thought Has No Title
I have recently joined the Mighty. I have read so many, beautiful, heart wrenching posts of amazing beings who are suffering with so much courage and grace. I think I have nothing that is that bad. I have a home, enough food, a spouse who loves me dearly, 3 rescue cats who bring joy. Yet, I am very ill. And it’s getting worse.
These past weeks have been, well, Hell.
I have Ehlers-Danlos hEDS, Hypopituitarism causing adrenal insufficiency, a type of Dysautonomia that makes my body’s sympathetic nervous system constantly dump adrenaline into my body, along with the flushing of Mast Cell Activation Syndrome at the same time. My vision is going. I can’t drive, very hard to read, write, no movies, very light sensitive, severe ER Migraines, and more. Just doesn’t end. I haven’t slept in I don’t know how long, because of the adrenaline surges 24/7. I have collapsed every day the past week from the BP drops, now without warning. Nausea every day for years. I have had health issues all my life, but milder, so I fell under the radar and many doctors were cruel, or insensitive, a couple almost killed me with their treatments, or lack of. PTSD, from repeated childhood sexual, physical, emotional abuse, and medical traumas. A lot of therapy over decades.
I was diagnosed just under 2years ago with EDS 2 days before my 60th birthday. Already had everything else, but the Mast Cell.
It’s like the genetic dam just broke and my life as I knew it was swept away. I was a writer, artist, horticulturist, clinical hypnotherapist, Energy Healer, all gone. I kept hoping to heal. It got worse. I have been practicing meditation for a couple of decades, but lately the adrenaline surges are so severe I am struggling with that. Go figure. I am trying different meds cautiously, as I am extremely sensitive. I am just plain overwhelmed and exhausted. I cannot handle any stressors on my body or mind, it just shuts everything but the adrenaline down. Seems adrenaline is the one thing I have an over abundance of, but it’s taken a serious toll. I did try to end it a week ago, because I felt I was of no use to anyone, couldn’t stand just one more moment of physical or emotional pain. How can I give to others the way I used to when my very being is so depleted and I can’t even get it managed?
I haven’t given up. Still here. Hard to do this writing and reading because of the vision impairment, so I haven’t been able to contribute much here, and I am sorry. I hope someone can understand. Just in a really low place trying to claw my way back out. Thank you all for the share. I am grateful.