romance

I have so many changes in life right now that it feels crazy. Some good, some bad, some that can't be labeled yet. My grandma passed away on Halloween, her birthday. She was one of my best friends and people I was closest with. The grief and hurt is insurmountable. I know it will take time for that to lessen. She was a wonderful person who loved deeply.

On another note:
I live with my parents currently. I had moved in to get back on my feet after a divorce and increased health issues. That was a blessing in disguise as their health is going down hill and I can be there for them, even though I struggle a lot with chronic pain and other llnesses (NF1, depression, anxiety, asthma, possible others). We get along really well and always have. But I miss having a special person. A partner that I can share each other's day, joy, grief, and everything else. It feels so difficult to find someone and connect with my health and living arrangements. I have often not felt secure or important enough in many past relationships. I long for that safety and often take relationships ending as there is something wrong with me. I think part of that is explained by severe bullying by kids when I was young. And partners not following through on some promises or giving certainty in their words when it mattered. I miss having a partner (girlfriend). It can be hard to open up to the possibility of love with security and certainty because I fear losing a partner because of stuff in my past. I know having multiple chronic illnesses complicates that for finding someone. Does anyone else experience these feelings or struggles with relationships? Is there a way that helped facilitate dating for you? What gave you hope? Sorry for this being a long and maybe sad post but I really need connection and some insight. Thank you all.

#ChronicPain #Neurofibromatosis #NeurofibromatosisType1 #Depression #Anxiety #Grief #Romance #ChronicIllness #DatingWithAChronicIllness

I decided to finally find out what the fuss about "Schitt's Creek" (TV show) was this week and ended up watching all six seasons. I finished the last three episodes tonight - you know, the ones where two main characters express love and commitment to one another and get married.

About an hour after I finished watching, I noticed that my anxiety was rising, which seemed odd and out of place. I couldn't think of what might have triggered it.

Well, it's getting worse now and it is totally due to that romantic storyline. I just can't engage with either fictional or true romantic stories/situations without the emotional flashbacks coming on. It feels so ridiculous and unnecessary. I wish I could just get over this.

I guess this explains why I usually stick to true crime...

#Romance #TV #Movies #triggered #emotionalflashback #PTSD #narcissisticabusesurvivor

You took romance away from me
You stole it from my vocabulary
You made me believe that romance meant
You got to get a free pass and
I didn't get to say no
And wasn't it romantic that you
Just kept giving me
What I had never wanted

I took a sick day today and watched some romantic comedy and ended up in a puddle of tears and anxiety. I just can't manage with anything "romantic" and I feel as if I've turned off all possibility of even feeling any attachment at all to anyone for now. Everything about love - even familial or friendship love - feels so unsafe and frightening. I'd just rather have no part in it.

Can anyone relate?

#Romance #romantic #narcissisticabusesurvivor #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #wasitsexualassault #scared #MightyPoets

I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and some months a few weeks ago in a state of just pure anger because I felt like he didn't reach my ideal standards, the standards I place on myself is what I projected onto him. I made him feel terrible and treated the only person that loved me like shit. I've been having anxiety since and I can't stop thinking about how now I know why I acted the way that I did. The entire time I was in the relationship I thought it was him, I blamed him for why I was unhappy. I thought I was unhappy in the relationship but I'm just unhappy with myself. For a while I figured I just had depression but with some research I'm starting to believe I do have BPD (like reading posts on here and on r/BPD feels like I wrote every single post). Don't worry, I'll be speaking to my therapist about it when things clear up with COVID.

Anyway, it just sucks because now that I know what was behind all my anger and frustration and our relationship problems I can't go back and undo it all. I feel like I could be better now that I know. We've recently started talking again but he found a new girl with "no issues"...which makes me feel like shit for having the problems that I do. It doesn't help that, if i do have BPD, that I went undiagnosed and with the wrong treatments all this time. The coping mechanisms and how to cope with it in relationships is vastly different to when you just think you have depression and anxiety.

I still have slight hope...even though he's met someone else...he agreed to meet me the other night and talk about what happened. He's so sweet, he had me show him my arms and legs to make sure I hadn't self harmed in the time that I was without him. He even agreed to still be there for me. He told me he had been planning to give me a promise ring and move in together in the fall...and it burns a whole in my chest knowing I ruined it all. I want to help educate him on what I'm going through, but I'm so scared of the rejection. I'm so scared of the words "I can't go back"...I think that'll send me over the edge. I want to ask if he'd want to go to a therapy session with me and talk it out. I feel like having his perspective there will help clear any bias to my therapist on how I behave when in those fits of anger. I just don't know what to do. I want him back so bad and I feel like there's a slight chance because he said he wants to see me work on myself. He said he still loved me. I just think I have to do better. And I will do better if there's a next time, especially with the right treatment and coping mechanisms. I'm sick of being this way I would give everything I have to change.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder