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Loss and loneliness

I have so many changes in life right now that it feels crazy. Some good, some bad, some that can't be labeled yet. My grandma passed away on Halloween, her birthday. She was one of my best friends and people I was closest with. The grief and hurt is insurmountable. I know it will take time for that to lessen. She was a wonderful person who loved deeply.

On another note:
I live with my parents currently. I had moved in to get back on my feet after a divorce and increased health issues. That was a blessing in disguise as their health is going down hill and I can be there for them, even though I struggle a lot with chronic pain and other llnesses (NF1, depression, anxiety, asthma, possible others). We get along really well and always have. But I miss having a special person. A partner that I can share each other's day, joy, grief, and everything else. It feels so difficult to find someone and connect with my health and living arrangements. I have often not felt secure or important enough in many past relationships. I long for that safety and often take relationships ending as there is something wrong with me. I think part of that is explained by severe bullying by kids when I was young. And partners not following through on some promises or giving certainty in their words when it mattered. I miss having a partner (girlfriend). It can be hard to open up to the possibility of love with security and certainty because I fear losing a partner because of stuff in my past. I know having multiple chronic illnesses complicates that for finding someone. Does anyone else experience these feelings or struggles with relationships? Is there a way that helped facilitate dating for you? What gave you hope? Sorry for this being a long and maybe sad post but I really need connection and some insight. Thank you all.

#ChronicPain #Neurofibromatosis #NeurofibromatosisType1 #Depression #Anxiety #Grief #Romance #ChronicIllness #DatingWithAChronicIllness

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Knotted soul #CPTSD #Bipolar #Romance

Unsure of myself, rediscovering the world.

What is happening between me and this girl?

It's driving me crazy, on a highway gone mad.

My head spinning in circles, recalling the bad

This seems like a nightmare, all this torture inside

I'm finally having the conversation for which I strived

Yet all I represent now is damage and pain

I've scared her away, my only options are the insane

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Stepping back from romance and sex - it's too distressing! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Hi community 🙏 have any of you got any thoughts on just stepping back completely from all attempts to meet someone or maintain a relationship? I don't mean forever but right now I feel I'm on that never ending rollercoaster of self destruction again relating to obsessive nature of falling for ppl and being full on cos I feel so strongly. I've decided to call it as otherwise I'm back on the apps and I've deleted those go to people I know I can get some validation for that ultimately makes me sad cos it's not love. So much love to the mighty community and all of us doing our best. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Relationships #Romance #Love


Mistake #CheckInWithMe

I decided to finally find out what the fuss about "Schitt's Creek" (TV show) was this week and ended up watching all six seasons. I finished the last three episodes tonight - you know, the ones where two main characters express love and commitment to one another and get married.

About an hour after I finished watching, I noticed that my anxiety was rising, which seemed odd and out of place. I couldn't think of what might have triggered it.

Well, it's getting worse now and it is totally due to that romantic storyline. I just can't engage with either fictional or true romantic stories/situations without the emotional flashbacks coming on. It feels so ridiculous and unnecessary. I wish I could just get over this.

I guess this explains why I usually stick to true crime...

#Romance #TV #Movies #triggered #emotionalflashback #PTSD #narcissisticabusesurvivor


#Romance and #NarcissisticAbuse

You took romance away from me
You stole it from my vocabulary
You made me believe that romance meant
You got to get a free pass and
I didn't get to say no
And wasn't it romantic that you
Just kept giving me
What I had never wanted

I took a sick day today and watched some romantic comedy and ended up in a puddle of tears and anxiety. I just can't manage with anything "romantic" and I feel as if I've turned off all possibility of even feeling any attachment at all to anyone for now. Everything about love - even familial or friendship love - feels so unsafe and frightening. I'd just rather have no part in it.

Can anyone relate?

#Romance #romantic #narcissisticabusesurvivor #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #wasitsexualassault #scared #MightyPoets

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Anyone else? 😹 #Relationships #romanticrelationships

Anyone else want a thorough vetting process before you interact with anyone for a romantic relationship? To save yourself heartbreak and trauma etc? Sigh! I definitely am interested in someone who is either Neurodivergent or who has an excellent understanding of Mental Health and neurodivergency! Also definitely someone who is in therapy and working on themselves! And who would be open to couples counselling too! Anyways we have to be brave enough to give love another chance and let go of the past! Hoping once this pandemic is over there’ll be a chance for a serendipitous encounter! I am a Hopeful Romantic after all! 😹🥰🤷🏽‍♀️ but I AM focused on loving myself more and taking care of ME and hoping there is someone out there who will ADD to my life! #Romance #Relationships #Therapy #Neurodiversity #therapyiscool #selfloveisthebestlove #OnedayAtaTime #hopefulromantic

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River walk and learning to talk

A new friend took me for a walk here, it was so beautiful even in winter, it's a great natural swimming place but I'll wait for summer for that part of the experience! Lol

The path leads you through a beautiful valley, through the mossy woodlands, past waterfalls that come down to join the river in Chrystal clear pools. I find being in nature the best therapy.

We also visited a Holy well and got water from the spring there, it's the nicest, most refreshing water I've had in a long time, the moment I drank some my eyes cleared from fibro-fog and each time I drink some my pain levels drop like magic!!

The man that took me there and I have a bit of connection.. he is kind, grounded, we make each other laugh A Lot!
We ended up spending the night together and it was really amazing..

I've never dated an older guy before..
he is 48 and I'm 33 but I don't think that matters much, apart from the fact it's Really refreshing to date someone who has there life and head more sorted.

He was Really, Really considerate about my past trauma, he said "the more I find out about you the more it snows how strong, resilient and amazing you are to have lived through all that and are still positive!"

He also said "your trauma is something of course I'll be mindful of but I see you only as you are now in this moment"
I.e he doesn't see me as 'damaged or a victim' just as the person I am.

The way he was about everything was as refreshing to my soul as the natural spring water was for my body!

I've not been able to open up, let someone touch me for 9 months since I was raped, so this was a boundary that I wasn't sure I'd be able to cross!
but with him it didn't feel like an issue, I was totally honest with him and things just flowed..

We are going to go on adventures and hunt out more natural springs!
It's amazing to be getting to know someone who loves nature, foraging, rambling, protesting to stop animals being hunted, someone who cares about the Bigger things in life!

He even runs "for fun" most of my ex boyfriends would only run if the police were after them, were unemployable let alone employed! Lol

I'm really looking forward to more walks in places like this and getting to know him in the process!

#Romance #RomanceFibro #FibroFog #Fibromyaliga #Nature #rambling #Hiking #Depression #CPTSD #PTSD #or #metoo #sharingiscaring #magicmoments


It Ruins Everything #Romance #Relationships

I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and some months a few weeks ago in a state of just pure anger because I felt like he didn't reach my ideal standards, the standards I place on myself is what I projected onto him. I made him feel terrible and treated the only person that loved me like shit. I've been having anxiety since and I can't stop thinking about how now I know why I acted the way that I did. The entire time I was in the relationship I thought it was him, I blamed him for why I was unhappy. I thought I was unhappy in the relationship but I'm just unhappy with myself. For a while I figured I just had depression but with some research I'm starting to believe I do have BPD (like reading posts on here and on r/BPD feels like I wrote every single post). Don't worry, I'll be speaking to my therapist about it when things clear up with COVID.

Anyway, it just sucks because now that I know what was behind all my anger and frustration and our relationship problems I can't go back and undo it all. I feel like I could be better now that I know. We've recently started talking again but he found a new girl with "no issues"...which makes me feel like shit for having the problems that I do. It doesn't help that, if i do have BPD, that I went undiagnosed and with the wrong treatments all this time. The coping mechanisms and how to cope with it in relationships is vastly different to when you just think you have depression and anxiety.

I still have slight hope...even though he's met someone else...he agreed to meet me the other night and talk about what happened. He's so sweet, he had me show him my arms and legs to make sure I hadn't self harmed in the time that I was without him. He even agreed to still be there for me. He told me he had been planning to give me a promise ring and move in together in the fall...and it burns a whole in my chest knowing I ruined it all. I want to help educate him on what I'm going through, but I'm so scared of the rejection. I'm so scared of the words "I can't go back"...I think that'll send me over the edge. I want to ask if he'd want to go to a therapy session with me and talk it out. I feel like having his perspective there will help clear any bias to my therapist on how I behave when in those fits of anger. I just don't know what to do. I want him back so bad and I feel like there's a slight chance because he said he wants to see me work on myself. He said he still loved me. I just think I have to do better. And I will do better if there's a next time, especially with the right treatment and coping mechanisms. I'm sick of being this way I would give everything I have to change.