Suicidethoughts

I'm feeling a little down today. Nothing like usual, just a little off. Sometimes this happens before the shit hits the fan, so I'm anxiously anticipating that. I feel like I live in a pinball machine, bouncing off the walls and bumpers and glass, however, today I'm just slipping along the sides and avoiding all of the obstacles. It's not a very good analogy, but it makes the most sense to me. I am asking myself if this is 'regular' or 'level' ... I can't remember the last time I felt this way.

I started a new medication (both new to me, my p-doc, and to the market) about six weeks ago.The new med belongs to a group of drugs called an atypical antipsychotic that also has an antidepressant effect. For the first time in over 40 years, I haven't had suicidal ideation every single day! It took me a couple days to realize I hadn't thought about it and it really threw me off. You have to realize that that line of thinking has been my life. Every. Single. Day. It has always been my go-to; the only thing that I felt I had control over. My p-doc is astounded at how I've turned around. He decided to wean me off of the antidepressant I was currently on. I've noticed that I'm a little more snappy; my patience level has changed, though, for the better. I think I'm being shown that I can deal with my illness, and that it's time for me to put in a little mindfulness and being more conscious of my mood, and the ways I choose to deal with those feelings.

To put it in nutshell, I'm terrified that this is only going to be a quick fix, that it won't work, or that it will work but there's a HUGE crash coming. I'm just really afraid. I'm trying hard to stick to today and not give thought to tomorrow, but I can't just flip the switch that's been on for so long.

I really hope we're onto something here. It has been nice not to spend so much time thinking about and planning my demise.

Thank you for always listening. It's nice to have this community's support, understanding and sometimes a well-placed foot to the butt.

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma @dannygautamawellness

So sad that Sinead O'Connor died due to mental health issues. Some will call it 'committing' suicide, that she completed a selfish act, and who knows what else. Sinead died by suicide, her last moment in a tragic life filled with trauma, pain, devastation, grief, and instability. Let us not focus on her means of death, rather the mental health demons that ate away at her and caused her demise. Many of us deal with the same issues she did, and many are a tiny step away from her death. Listen when someone says they're not feeling right, give a call or text when a friend has been off the radar for a while. We can all help people who are suffering. Any words or actions you choose can help someone get past that moment of just not wanting to be here. Be patient, compassionate and caring. Be kind. ❤

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicideSurvivors #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma

I’m so happy I decided to keep on living and to keep on fighting. Think it was one of the hardest things I ever get through but it’s worth it. I think I’m finally getting my strength and my decision to continue life back. Keep on fighting guys! #Depression #fighter #Suicidethoughts #strength #Anxiety

Punishing myself will be the best option. I sliced my arms just a tad, almost wanting to stab my stomach, thinking about starving myself, and pulled my hair so everything about me can go away. Anything I say makes me an ugly person. Inside and out. I always hurt the people who actually love me, but I always realize my actions too late. I can only wish to take back everything I’ve said that came out from my mouth. But it’s too late. My words always hurt others . I wish I can stop myself for being a fuck up, but I can’t. I always put out on social media to “be humble”, but here I am being a hypocrite. Hurting my cousins that has truly been there for me through the greatest moments of my life and has been there at my worst. And here I am putting them down about their mental illness and calling them names. I see myself as a demon at times. All this anger comes out at once, ready to attack for no reason. Making others feel like their feelings aren’t valid. I can only say sorry to the point a sorry means nothing. It will never be enough. It’s too late because now your ugly words will be in grave in their head, forever. They will never forget how you made them feel. Not even a bit. All you can do is feel pity for yourself because you will never be good enough. I need help. I wish I can fix myself, but I can’t. I wish I can better, but I can’t. I wish I can glue my lips together from ever speaking, but I can’t. I feel so trap. I just want out. I hate myself sometimes. Most of the time. I never mean to manipulate, gaslight, to be little someone, to hurt, to make someone feel less of themselves. They are worthy, and I’m not. Maybe it’s best if I’m not here. If I’m gone, that means I won’t ever have to hurt anyone with my ugly words anymore. I’ve hurt so many people with my words. Maybe It would be peaceful for once. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused with with all my heart. I’m just too fk up. Maybe it’s time to leave everyone. Maybe a car can hit me while I’m driving so I can never speak again. I’ve always had this problem since I was little, and I hate this sm. You can not imagine how much I hate this. I’m sorry if I’m burden. I’m sorry if I’m come out as annoying like people has told me in the past. I’m sorry that I’m ignorant. I’m sorry that I’m not taking Covid serious. I’m sorry if I’m not smart enough. I’m sorry if I’m not good enough in this world. I’m sorry if I’m not the best cousin. I’m sorry if I’m not the best daughter/ sister. Wishing I can be better, but it’s so hard to compose myself. Wishing I was enough and a better person. A sorry and wishing is never going to be enough. Not even close, not even a bit. #MentalHealth #Suicidethoughts

This boy is the reason i keep fighting....he makes me laugh even when i dont want to...if i didnt have him i wouldnt be here
#Anxiety #Suicidethoughts