worthless

So recently I’d finally confided in my husband about the black hole that I’m stuck in. The feelings of despair and desperation. Last night I brought up how I haven’t had a holiday since 2018 and how badly I need to get away. I need and physical and mental break and refresh from everything. It quickly turned into an argument because he recently had a weeks holiday and has another planned for January..I wasn’t there last time and won’t be in January either and says he doesn’t need one. I however feel desperate for a holiday and have expressed it often. I have explained to him how much it will help with the current state of my mental health. He reckons it won’t do anything. Anyway argument increased and I’m getting called a c**t and told he doesn’t want to go away with me because “I’m a fucken idiot”. That absolutely crushed me. Like really crushed me. It hurt so bad! That wasn’t even the worst of it. He continued to shit talk my mental health and then told me I should “go on a permanent holiday” LIKE WHO SAYS THAT!!!!
Who the fuck says that to someone who is in mental turmoil. I went to my room, utterly shocked to my core that he would say that to me. There’s been a lot of suicide in my immediate family so I’m vulnerable to it. I’ve been a self harmer and still fight that battle. As I’m sitting alone in my room on my bed replaying in my mind what the hell had just happened and what the hell he had just said to me. I sat there and thought about maybe I should “go on a permanent holiday” . I cried and thought about it. Every urge and desire trying desperately to succeed and me trying desperately to overpower those thoughts. I did a mental count of all the pills I have at my disposal and how easy it would be just to swallow them all and how easily my pain would be over. I then sat and played scenarios over in my head and visualising each of my children’s reactions to being told that I’m gone…I’m dead. That made me sad and that then made me angry. So fucking angry that he would say that to me and that I would have my mental health thrown in my face and so fucking angry at the thought of the suffering my kids would feel for the rest of their lives. I found the strength through that so not do anything to hurt myself or worse. I then went and told him to give me 45mins and I would be gone, I’d be on that “permanent holiday” he told me to go on. I honestly was curious to see if he would come in to check on me within those 45mins. To see if I had done something and to more importantly make sure that I hadn’t and wouldn’t do something. So I waited that 45minutes….alone. He never came to check on me. Not even once. So what if I had taken all those pills?…I would’ve been dead with no chance of revival. No chance at life. I think I’m more devastated about that part of it all. He just did not give a single fuck. I’m at a loss. I’m hurt. I feel crushed and my heart feels broken…

Until his mental and psychological abuse started taking over. Now it feels worse than the physical abuse I received from other men. Bruises heal, words stay on replay in your mind forever. I had a full on breakdown not that long ago and some of the things he said to me after that were just too much. He calls me mean and nasty, he calls me a bitch, he's said I'm "a piece of work", a pathological liar... He said something about my body not long ago that makes me feel a million times more self conscious than I did before he ever said those words to me. He treats me more like a maid or that I'm an ordinary person and not his wife and constantly says he's going to leave and/or divorce me if I don't get our house "in order" and do it pretty much by myself because that's my "job" as a stay at home wife and mother. The depression, sadness and defeat I feel is the worse I have ever felt in my life. I don't know who this man is anymore. I cry every day, multiple times a day. The panic/anxiety attacks are unreal and I have to hide them the best I can because if I take even take my dr prescribed medication, he'll still call me an addict, but he can have alcohol...how the hell does that work?? I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24 hours a day. Of course he can talk trash to me, be condescending, narcissistic, conniving, call me names, get in my face, have an attitude or yell at me but God forbid I stand up for myself...

#Narcisist #verbalabuse #Controlling #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #selfconcious #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #worthless #unloved #PTSD

How do u deal with flashbacks ? You know it’s not happen now but everything still is so real and you just get taken right back there . You feel like you are nothing …. How can you get rid of this ?? This grossness ?? #Abuse #Csa #worthless #wishiwasdead #Hatemyself

My heart hurts. He left again after swearing he changed. Am I as worthless as he is treating me? I don't know if anyone even cares.

#breakup #lies #worthless

Wanna soar so high
But my wings are clipped

Wanna scream so loud
But my lips are sealed

Wanna be happy and alive
But my soul is dead

#Depression #useless #worthless

I just came back from vacation with my 10 year old. I think anyone would agree that vacationing alone with children is not super relaxing.

It was a nice trip. Although we did have a boating accident and I’m not the best swimmer, so it was a bit traumatic. Saturday we stayed in, Sunday I was able to take him to the pool, monday I literally did nothing. Tuesday I mustered up strength to go to his baseball game. But I am so burnt out. I feel exhausted. I haven't worked much (I work for myself) and haven't opened my store.

I spoke to my therapist and she said that it sounds like I need a break. So yesterday I called my sons dad and asked if he could keep him last night (I didn't even go to my son's game and I never miss them) and tonight. He agreed after giving me HELLLL.

So here I am. Feeling guilty I am not working. That I am a terrible mom. Worthless. And I can't even take a break because my mind is filled with all these terrible thoughts. I feel like I need a vacation. Not sure from what...

Anyone else ever feel like this??

#Anxiety #Depression #Guilt #MomGuilt #workguilt #worthless #Lazy

I am almost 60 years old, just a few more months now. I never thought I would ever be this old. I don't think I emotionally planned for it anyway.
For the first time in my life I fell in love with a woman, that was 5 years ago.
she left me 3 years ago. She didn't speak to me for almost 2 years. last March she accepted a friend request from me on Facebook messenger. We talked a bit there. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder nearly 10 years ago now. She was aware of it, it was something that we talked about in the beginning of our relationship. I wanted her to know so she could maybe try to understand some of my poor responses to things.
Anyway, we were talking again until August of 2021 when she just quit talking to me again. I have been devastated ever since. I wasn't trying to start a relationship with her again I only wanted to try and reconcile our friendship, she is a very important person in my life. I now feel completely worthless and no good to anybody. Along the way I have tried to reconcile relationships with my children and all of those relationships have fallen apart also.....
I feel all alone, unlovable and worthless..... will this ever go away....
#Loneliness #worthless #Borderline personality disorder #scared