addiction recovery

my boyfriend left me without a warning (that’s my point of view, despite he says that he talk a lot about, thing that i just can’t remember) but in her words “because i don’t want to deal with your addiction anymore”.

i don’t understand, i simply don’t. we were happy together, rarely argue, our personalities matched, nothing seems wrong. now i miss him so much, i’m falling apart without him, my heart is broken, in pieces, i’m barely breathing.
i love him more than everything in this world, life seems very pointless if i’ll not live the dreams we dreamed together. now i’ve left dreaming alone.
also, i have several mental illnesses and my mom killed herself a few years ago, i do treatment and all, but is still difficult…

well, i think that nothing else matters cause he was my last attempt to being happy.

but my life are made to be suffering and crying out loud until i have the courage to end up this shit.

#Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Depression #Miscarriage #SuicidalIdeation #PersonalityDisorders #Suicide #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #MentalHealth #Grief #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

TW: Mention of SI
I was raised Catholic. And since I was a teenager, I left the Catholic God in search of something else. I found other religions some which I tip toe in at times and others that I was in for a short period of time. My last round was with an Asian religion. I was feeling really bad today, depressed and kind of hopeless and I grabbed my crucifix and put it back on. I haven’t touched it in like 6 months. My point is this: I think I switch religions around so much because I don’t trust God. But in general, I don’t trust anyone. I figure if God is always at the end of the road for me when I feel like offing myself, if God can save me from dying, can’t He also teach me how to live? I am currently recovering from an addiction and am seeking spiritual guidance. I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community so please be respectful.#Spirituality #beliefs #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

I am starting to return to normal after my relapse. Things were a blur, I was unable to take care of any responsibilities for the past 4 days or so. The friend I was going to reconcile with, I don't even know if I would be able to trust her. I do want friendship, but I am starting to believe that a new start in that area would be best, as opposed to attempting to put trust in someone who I likely stopped trusting for a reason.

Today is my adoptive mother's birthday. The only mother I know, but we are no contact and this will be the first birthday of hers that I don't reach out. I feel guilt because I am loyal, and perhaps overly forgiving of the things that she had done, perhaps because of some deep need or desire to have a motherly figure in my life but I am old enough now to nurture myself and realize that there is no point in a warm hug if it comes with a stab in the back.

For the most part though I am calm, even though our downstairs neighbor has decided to scorn the whole building and blast the same 5 VERY overplayed songs on repeat since 3pm yesterday until 5 pm today. It is quiet now so hopefully it is over but I'd be lying if I claimed to not be overstimulated and almost driven to madness because of it, not enraged or anything but my head hurts from the relentless repetition. It's quiet now and I hope it stays that way, we didn't knock on his door but left a note and could hear him saying "F U" again and again for a while once he found it, plus turning the music up. He seems in some sort of psychosis and volatile state so i just hope that he burns himself out and calms down so I can calibrate myself enough to get some work done today.

I hope you're all having a peaceful weekend 🌸

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #ChronicDailyHeadache #PTSD #AddictionRecovery

What I’m about to say isn’t new and I’ve known this for a while and it’s something that I have to address: I have trouble with my feelings- labeling them but sometimes feeling them too. I grew up in an environment where I always had to be “happy”, and being angry or sad wasn’t seen as a normal part of the human experience. It was something that was bad. A lot of the times I don’t allow myself to feel sadness for example. I’ve been angry most of my life but I learned in therapy that anger hides sadness and I’ve had a lot to be sad about. As I continue my journey of sobriety I will allow myself to feel sad and I will cry as much as I want. I was numb for years and couldn’t cry anyway so it’s about time. I hope to be more in tune with my emotions this way as emotions are necessary and vital to our survival. #PTSD #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

It's been a long time since I've posted here, a lot has happened, for the better! My life has completely changed and is better in essentially every way, however I am coming to the realization that improved circumstances do not make all of my mental health struggles go away.

I moved across the country to be with someone I love, trust, and feel supported and unconditionally loved by. I have regular work now, I have an apartment (last year when I first moved i was hotel hopping and it was very rough... I am grateful that is over), my boyfriend just got a new job as a medical journalist/editor and it seems that the part of my life that consisted of financial instability is finally, blissfully over. I am getting my health together and an combating my agoraphobia by going for multi-mile long walks in my new neighborhood..I cook all of our meals, very nutrients dense, and gone from my highest on 247 lbs to now around 150.

I have cut off my family, but I'm feeling the pain of their absence around these holidays. I am considering sending my parents a brief update via email... regardless if they deserve it or not.. I feel something happening within me, perhaps I have reached a healed enough state to enter a stage of forgiveness. I say this al also because an ex best friend reached out to me yesterday, and we now have plans to call the day after tomorrow. I'm also going to do a tarot reading for her, but at this point anything that I was angry about seems petty. My parents, it is difficult for me to be sure, it's so complicated, but I also feel like I might be gaslighting myself about how serious the things they have done and said to and about me actually were. I still remember them laughing in my face together while I was crying shortly before I moved. They treated me like I was worthless and did not believe in me, so now that I turned my life around completely, without their help... I don't know. They didn't believe in me at all, and I did it anyway, I just have a hard time with it. They were so cruel to me when they thought I was a failure.

Now to the part that caused me to come back on here. I am also a recovering alcoholic, I stopped drinking since last April when I had a really ugly episode ..I will spare the details. However I drank again yesterday and was reminded that, no, I cannot handle it even one in a while. I had a really ugly fight with my boyfriend, to where he ended up crying really bad and was shaken up because I was attempting to un-alive myself, even going so far as to drink some of this off brand all purpose cleaner. I also now have some new self harm marks.

I'm feeling horrible and guilty. Dirty inside and out, I just feel so much shame. He has already forgiven me, but i still feel so bad. It all started because I saw this girl gave him kudos on a run that he did on this running app, I already know who that girl is but for some reason when it happened while I was drunk I snapped. I have been battling with jealousy and fear of being cheated on in our relationship to the point where it causes fights that are ultimately pointless and I just seek to heal from it, because logically I KNOW he is loyal and just wants to make me happy.

So right now I am looking for support groups in my area. I need to stay clean and remember I cannot drink EVER. And I need to find a way to break out of my paranoia of betrayal, so that I don't self sabotage my relationship that otherwise appears to be leading to marriage and children in the next couple of years. I just don't want to mess it up, so I need to start making my mental health a priority again. And fix this the same way I was able to pull myself out of rock bottom a couple years ago. I'll keep posting on here to process my emotions in a healthier way and seek out some community.

Thank you for reading 💜
#AddictionRecovery #Addiction #MentalHealth #Relationships #PTSD #Selfharm #BipolarDisorder