addiction recovery

I am starting to return to normal after my relapse. Things were a blur, I was unable to take care of any responsibilities for the past 4 days or so. The friend I was going to reconcile with, I don't even know if I would be able to trust her. I do want friendship, but I am starting to believe that a new start in that area would be best, as opposed to attempting to put trust in someone who I likely stopped trusting for a reason.

Today is my adoptive mother's birthday. The only mother I know, but we are no contact and this will be the first birthday of hers that I don't reach out. I feel guilt because I am loyal, and perhaps overly forgiving of the things that she had done, perhaps because of some deep need or desire to have a motherly figure in my life but I am old enough now to nurture myself and realize that there is no point in a warm hug if it comes with a stab in the back.

For the most part though I am calm, even though our downstairs neighbor has decided to scorn the whole building and blast the same 5 VERY overplayed songs on repeat since 3pm yesterday until 5 pm today. It is quiet now so hopefully it is over but I'd be lying if I claimed to not be overstimulated and almost driven to madness because of it, not enraged or anything but my head hurts from the relentless repetition. It's quiet now and I hope it stays that way, we didn't knock on his door but left a note and could hear him saying "F U" again and again for a while once he found it, plus turning the music up. He seems in some sort of psychosis and volatile state so i just hope that he burns himself out and calms down so I can calibrate myself enough to get some work done today.

I hope you're all having a peaceful weekend 🌸

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #ChronicDailyHeadache #PTSD #AddictionRecovery

What I’m about to say isn’t new and I’ve known this for a while and it’s something that I have to address: I have trouble with my feelings- labeling them but sometimes feeling them too. I grew up in an environment where I always had to be “happy”, and being angry or sad wasn’t seen as a normal part of the human experience. It was something that was bad. A lot of the times I don’t allow myself to feel sadness for example. I’ve been angry most of my life but I learned in therapy that anger hides sadness and I’ve had a lot to be sad about. As I continue my journey of sobriety I will allow myself to feel sad and I will cry as much as I want. I was numb for years and couldn’t cry anyway so it’s about time. I hope to be more in tune with my emotions this way as emotions are necessary and vital to our survival. #PTSD #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

It's been a long time since I've posted here, a lot has happened, for the better! My life has completely changed and is better in essentially every way, however I am coming to the realization that improved circumstances do not make all of my mental health struggles go away.

I moved across the country to be with someone I love, trust, and feel supported and unconditionally loved by. I have regular work now, I have an apartment (last year when I first moved i was hotel hopping and it was very rough... I am grateful that is over), my boyfriend just got a new job as a medical journalist/editor and it seems that the part of my life that consisted of financial instability is finally, blissfully over. I am getting my health together and an combating my agoraphobia by going for multi-mile long walks in my new neighborhood..I cook all of our meals, very nutrients dense, and gone from my highest on 247 lbs to now around 150.

I have cut off my family, but I'm feeling the pain of their absence around these holidays. I am considering sending my parents a brief update via email... regardless if they deserve it or not.. I feel something happening within me, perhaps I have reached a healed enough state to enter a stage of forgiveness. I say this al also because an ex best friend reached out to me yesterday, and we now have plans to call the day after tomorrow. I'm also going to do a tarot reading for her, but at this point anything that I was angry about seems petty. My parents, it is difficult for me to be sure, it's so complicated, but I also feel like I might be gaslighting myself about how serious the things they have done and said to and about me actually were. I still remember them laughing in my face together while I was crying shortly before I moved. They treated me like I was worthless and did not believe in me, so now that I turned my life around completely, without their help... I don't know. They didn't believe in me at all, and I did it anyway, I just have a hard time with it. They were so cruel to me when they thought I was a failure.

Now to the part that caused me to come back on here. I am also a recovering alcoholic, I stopped drinking since last April when I had a really ugly episode ..I will spare the details. However I drank again yesterday and was reminded that, no, I cannot handle it even one in a while. I had a really ugly fight with my boyfriend, to where he ended up crying really bad and was shaken up because I was attempting to un-alive myself, even going so far as to drink some of this off brand all purpose cleaner. I also now have some new self harm marks.

I'm feeling horrible and guilty. Dirty inside and out, I just feel so much shame. He has already forgiven me, but i still feel so bad. It all started because I saw this girl gave him kudos on a run that he did on this running app, I already know who that girl is but for some reason when it happened while I was drunk I snapped. I have been battling with jealousy and fear of being cheated on in our relationship to the point where it causes fights that are ultimately pointless and I just seek to heal from it, because logically I KNOW he is loyal and just wants to make me happy.

So right now I am looking for support groups in my area. I need to stay clean and remember I cannot drink EVER. And I need to find a way to break out of my paranoia of betrayal, so that I don't self sabotage my relationship that otherwise appears to be leading to marriage and children in the next couple of years. I just don't want to mess it up, so I need to start making my mental health a priority again. And fix this the same way I was able to pull myself out of rock bottom a couple years ago. I'll keep posting on here to process my emotions in a healthier way and seek out some community.

Thank you for reading 💜
#AddictionRecovery #Addiction #MentalHealth #Relationships #PTSD #Selfharm #BipolarDisorder

How do we approach happiness? Is happiness in something we do? Is it a feeling? Is it being grateful more often? Is it a practice? What are your experiences with happiness and how can we cultivate happiness that lasts? I will look up what Buddhism and Hinduism say about this as I am interested in it.

Context: I’m feeling depressed after marijuana cessation but I want to continue to stay on the path of my recovery. ❤️‍🩹 my career/job used to mean everything to me but I’ve stopped working 3 times at 3 different jobs because of my mental health.

I feel like I can still do things, I’m just not sure what. If Krishna can use Arjuna in his low spirits, I believe He can use me too. But I’m not sure in what capacity. My self esteem has also suffered a ton from living with narcisstic parents… I’m in a low mood and though I’m not in a crisis it is hard for me to see the good side of things these days, I will be honest.

I need to work on my self esteem. I need to believe in myself. Believe that I can achieve anything that I put my mind to. Even though I haven’t. Or perhaps I just have to believe that I’m loved and begin to act in this belief… by Krishna, my fellow marijuana members, by my dog and the spirits of my ancestors…. Perhaps my happiness can come from here? 🤔 #AddictionRecovery

I’m feeling anhedonia from drug recovery and everything just sucks. I feel a little lonely and I would love to be with someone around this time of year but as usual I’m left sulking in my depression. I’ve never had a long term relationship. I have bipolar 1 disorder and complex PTSD and it feels like nothing has ever worked out in my life. Im not sure what keeps me here tbh. I’m sorry I just feel miserable today but I don’t think I can even bring myself to cry. Doing drugs sucks. But I’m 31 days sober so I guess I have that. #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

Long story short, I know I have a problem with alcohol, and I do NOT want to use AA.
What are some resources that have helped you to deal with addiction?
Note: I'm spiritual, agnostic, and I have trauma related to religion. #AlcoholDependence #AddictionRecovery #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma