everything

So #Yesterday my #social #battery was #okay , but #today it's #empty 🥴 #Feeling like #everything can #Work #Relationships daily #tasks can & will have to #wait 🫷🏾#Autism #PTSDSupportAndRecovery

#funny
#dog gets into #everything
Walked out front door this evening and saw neighbours dog on there roof , no one was home so I called, luckily the dog knows her way right thro a screen and got herself back inside safely lol
She looked happy😁
#Fibromyalgia
#ChronicPain
#Irritable
#Migraine
#lightheaded
#physicallyexhausted
#enjoy !!!!!!🙂🙃😉😊

#Therapy
#SuicidalThoughts
#everything

When did i crack? Give way to what society expects from me? Take a step back & try to help myself

Well the first time would have been after a bender, my mind was quiet as that is what the intention was behind a bender. i looked back at everything i had been through over the past 35 years & all i saw through my mind's eye was death and destruction

That moment, the first time you actually think ... damn, i don't want to be on this planet anymore - It's not something pleasant to go through but it somewhat gave me some control back to my life. It sounds so strange to say it but me wanted to end it all was liberating for my story. But then you have to be ready for the next & hardest part - therapy, medication & possibly being institutionalized. i reached out to a psychologist to have my first real session, as a somewhat troubled kid & young adult i had my fair share of shrinks, but this lady was different

There was no beating around the bush from the get go, i was comitted to trying to fix myself & there was no answer to please her. If i recall correctly it was after my first session, she referred me to the psychiatrist on duty & i was on the books to be admitted in 2 days due to the suicidal thoughts. Time came & went so quickly, but in the safety of the clinic after some changes to my living environment

It was there were we unpacked my flashbacks. Damn that was not pleasant at all, then to tell my newly wedded wife & life-long friend that what has been going on was the realization that on top my childhood abuse which she was aware to a degree, there was a double rape, being groomed by a priest & that i'm suicidal. Kinda bad 3 month anniversary. After my 2 weeks in the psychiatric clinic i was better equipped to take on the world

Then the company i was working started looking at me differently, so much so that i signed a new resignation letter each morning until i couldn't & walked into one of the big bosses offices & said this is what you want, take. HR & i are going to have a great chat

2 years later & back into a new clinic to dive deeper into my crazy head as i got highly suicidal again. Fast forward again 2 years & 28 antidepressants later together with new psychiatrist. we never found the right one, boy oh boy did we try that magic drug, the right combination, the perfect concoction but to no avail. i did find opiods, sleeping meds & benzos in this time - considering i had stooped drinking them, they became abused. Tried the weed phase & same thing - needed to stop as it was impacting other parts of my life together with was starting earlier & earlier each day

Now we at the beginning of the year & my spine is degrading, so the doctor put me back on my friend Opiods again. i'moff now eventually for about a month now

Did the therapy help - Yes
Did the clinics help - Yes, great tools from them
Did the meds help - No
Has the suicidal portion stopped - No

How do i do cope - More in the final part

#everything #Wanted