greif

Wow, it's been awhile Mighty, three years. I'm not even going to bother talking about all that has happened in the last 3 years because I need help right now. Please comment something to breathe hope, clarity, anything into my evening other than what I'm feeling as I type this.

It's been almost a year since I lost the love of my life in a nightmare breakup that left me hospitalized over #Suicide attempts. My #MentalHealth dipped so badly that I lost ALL of my friends, including my best friend since childhood who turned his back on me after deeming me as an #Anxiety -source he no longer needed to entertain.

I tried to pick myself back up. I walked away from my career despite loving it due to mistreatment. I took a few months to try to right my medications that might help bring my confidence and purpose back. I went to therapy weekly. I accepted the loss of everything, got a new job and blocked all the people in my life that had made a hard time in my life so much harder.

But the new job was even worse.. the new guy I started dating turned out to be abusive. For the last month I have found myself experiencing a deep sorrow, longing for something that's long gone, aching on a level that I can't rightfully put into words. I stopped going to therapy, the meds don't seem to be helping and I feel that the universe is repeatedly trying to tell me to stop pushing for happiness because it is just not in the cards for me in my life.

But as it's either die or keep clawing away at it, I've just given my two weeks notice to the toxic new job and officially ended the abusive relationship after multiple failed attempts. I'm starting a new job soon, have sworn to stay away from dating for awhile and tried to pick up my old hobbies to keep me distracted.

You can see I'm trying SO HARD not to give up. But it's not working you guys... I'm constantly sad. I feel like I'm in permanent #greif and #PTSD mode. I keep trying to fool my brain into thinking this is ok but any and all happiness has been sucked from my soul.

I want to text the abusive ex just for someone to talk to or share the night with. I recently unblocked my old best friend as well as the love of my life to feel some kind of release of anger, a step forward in maturity. I noticed that the ex watched my story yesterday, then blocked me immediately after.

I seem to be wildly unlovable and destined to keep coming back to this defeated place. I'm not sure what the point is to continue trying. I have no friends. No family. No one to talk to so please talk to me tonight.. #ineedhelp

My cousin had decided to start end of life care.He was the youngest boy of a dozen grandchildren for many years,till one more boy came.His name,Mark.His older brother John.They lived on a farm,in the country,with alot of land.They were adventurous,smart and well mannered.They had girl cousins,alot of them.We all went together in groups of two or three.one Aunt and Uncle always had a set staying over.We giggled and played,giggled and whispered.Always plotting to play and stay longer.We had secrets amongst eachother.Hide n seek,freeze tag,truth or dare,Marco polo,climbing trees,making forts,cowboys and indians,Jail.Finding bugs,dead stuff and killing some stuff.Hot wheels,dinosaurs,Star Wars,E.T.. and that was before puberty struck.We all went different ways for a bit.
I was lucky to vacation with them.im grateful every day for the time with you,Mark.I was able to know you as a young man,not only the little boy.We kept Grandma up that night,us talking.You are, too strong for this.it isn't fair.You can stop and breath.Say the things you need to say.We are all going to be together again,I beleive this.it is all in what You believe Mark.We love you.

I just received word of a Very Dear Friends passing. This is hitting me so hard right now, I don't know how to cope. It seems like I am always having people to either walk out of my life or the pass on to the next life. What is hitting me so hard is, I didn't know how sick they were and I now kind of realize that their last plea was a way to say goodbye and I completely missed it because of dealing with my own selfish health issues. I am now flooded with so many memories. What do I do now? My Heart is shattered once again from pain and grief. I have never been able to deal with death very well as I have experienced so much of it in my time here. To make matters worse I hate fighting these types of battles ALONE. It seems that I am always in a battle, Where is the Love, compassion and understanding?
#Desperate to Heal
#Tenderheart
#I just want Forever Love

#AbusiveRelationship #MentalHealth #Healing #greif #Acceptance