hell

An open letter to prospective doctors and a plea for reason.#oregon #Pain #reason #hell

"ignorance is hell on earth" -JLL

The #Psychiatric appt. I mentioned earlier was fortunately changed from a ZOOM meeting to taken place over the phone!!! I couldn't get washed & dressed cuz of the extremity of the #Pain all over my body....(#ChronicPain / of / #Fibromyalgia )......#Fate actually worked in my favor today!!!! ~ Although I count myself blessed with a lot.....i I am not a lucky person.......(been thru #hell in my #past & things still don't usually. work out for me).....But it DID turn out to be a #good day today!!! Took extra 🌼#Medicine for my appt., & the pain has lessened a bit. .....ill catch up on my #Sleep & take a nap or else help ensure myself a good night's sleep & #HOPEFULLY #TOMORROW things will still be looking up- regarding the intensity of my body pain & my #Thoughts & #attitude & #mood !!! Am shouting out a big "YAYYYY"inside for today's turn of events!!! #grateful !!!!#thanks for the messages you've sent while I was #FreakingOut before my appt...... I haven't read them yet, (was panicking a but trying to deal with getting ready for the Zoom appt........but I saw notifications pop up on the app & felt the #Love !!! Thank you for your #Support !!!!💗🙋💕💕💕💕(((((BIG-HUGS))))))!!! 💗💕💕💕

If I had wings, I'd leave everything behind. I've been dealing with a lot at work and at home. I have men in my life in both of those places and none of them pay attention to me. I never being up me internal struggles to many, I find myself thinking about it all at work only to cry myself to sleep in the safety of my bedroom. That seems to be the heaven for me, while outside is Hell itself. I still struggle with the idea that I'm needed in this world. In my mind, it feels like I'm unwanted, disregarded, and occasionally acknowledged. I sit on the bathroom floor after coming home sometimes. I'm either letting things sink in or I'm crying my eyes out while trying not to make a lot of noise. I count they days until I see the psychologist. More and more I feel empty inside. More and more I feel like I need to distract myself from these intense emotions. More and more I think about dying. I don't expect much anymore, nor do I feel that there is anyone who can really understand me. #MentalHealth #Depression #Sadness #Emptiness #intenseemotions #Feelingunappreciated #feelinglonely #FeelingEmpty #Feelingsad #insidemyownhead #keepingthingstomyself #heaven #hell

It seems like my problems are piling up & it’s adding to my #Pain & my #Depression my #Fibro #Fibromyalgia has been #Flared . Combating #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain has been #hell . I have my #Catfamily to get through this but it’s still hard. I keep trying to #TakeItOneDayAtATime but each day that goes by the more I feel like I’m on #Autopilot just going along & not reacting, not really living but just trying to survive. My #Anxiety has been through the roof & I need to contact a therapist still but I don’t want to leave the house & I would have to travel into the city to see them & after the #CarAccident I get terrible anxiety & #PTSD & #PanicAttacks whenever I have to get into a car, & the longer I’m in a car now the worse it’s get to the point if #nausea & vomiting because of it. I talked to my primary care doctor & he said I could probably find a doctor who does therapy sessions over the phone but the first time I would see them I would probably have to go into the office. I’m a hermit now. I can’t stand to leave the house & it takes so many #spoons to go out anywhere plus the stress that the only time I do go out is all the doctors appointments which I also hate. I keep putting all this stuff off that I need to do because of all this & I know it’s not good but I just can’t stand leaving the house anymore. Going through #Divorce #SplittingUp my 9 year #Marriage & I have little #familysupport for all this & my #Friendsupport circle is very small in my personal life. I have a lot of online friends who have helped me a lot but having someone physically there to check in on you is different. I guess I should be happy anyone checks in on me but there are so many people that I used to think would never my life & they all did leave after the car wreck. It hurts to be abandoned when you need someone the most & that’s what happens to so many people with chronic illness. All the people you used to spend time with no longer have time for you. It’s like being #Disabled means that you don’t get to keep your friends. I’ve made a lot of new good friends since then who I love but there were all these people who I needed who were never there when I needed them most & for a long time I blamed myself but I realized recently that it’s not my fault they decided my illness was too much for them. That’s on them not me: I just wanted to write to check in & now I’m on a depression rant. I’m here taking it one day at a time: sometimes with everything piling up I just want to give up. I haven’t given up though...yet. I deserve love I deserve peace I deserve happiness.