MentalHealthIssues

What on my mind death too scared of life I understood that I'm not well but it easier to use the following words I'm good I'm fine but the truth would have you listening all day and no one got that sort of time so we say we're going good to pass the real problems

I’ve suffered from #Migraines since I was in 6th grade, so 12-13yrs old. I’m now 27 yrs old and have tried what feels like all the medication out there. But the problem is, as someone who has #ChronicIllness and #MentalHealthIssues what do I do when a ? I have to see the doctor because my current #Medication isn’t preventing or stopping #Migraines and I’m getting them daily now. The only two things that seem to help me are #Sleep and taking some sort of #sedative , like cough syrup. It isn’t healthy or wise to do this, but in the face of so much uncontrollable pain what other choice do I have? I can’t drive myself to the ER, I’m not going to call an expensive ambulance just over a #Migraine but I need something to relieve the pain, nausea, and blindness.
Since I was little it was ingrained into me to have a #thickupperlip and not to talk about #myproblems . I didn’t even tell the dr when something hurt, I just shied away like a horse, made a face and clenched my hands. My mom always chided me for doing this, saying, “How will they know what’s wrong if you don’t tell them where it hurts?” but it was her position on doctors and pain that made me this way. She’s very much a #suckitup sort of person and #pullyourbootstrapsupbyyourownhands all of which I find impossible. This past year she even went to work one day when she was coming down with pneumonia and had bronchitis. She always says of #drappts , “I don’t have time to take off, I have to work” but for me #drappts are part of my life. As a child I would feel guilty every time I got sick because she had to take off to take me to the drs, even though I have #ChronicIllness. Today she still resents the fact that I need someone there at important appts that are out of town.
So why did I explain all about her just now? Because as someone with #chronicillnes and #Migraines and #ChronicPain I am always fighting a battle. A battle of what to do. Should I take more of this medicine that I don’t technically need but will stop the pain and help me sleep? Should I just stay silent and then be accused that I’m fine when I’m really not? Should I complain to let her know how much I do suffer? I seem to be losing a war. I just recently lost my job because of my illness (they wanted to cut my hours to 5/week and with all the crap I was already taking I said no thanks, bye) and at the most unfortunate time I got bronchitis, ear infection, and pneumonia. I still haven’t recovered and she’s talking about a new job when we agreed #Disability was best. But for #Disability you have to be out of work which is something she doesn’t seem to realize. What do I do? Get another job, become sick and run down again? More fights? The worst was when my sister told me that when my mom dies I will become her #Burden. #ABurden

Have literally spent all day filling in my PIP form.

For those of you who don’t know: PIP (Personal Independent Payment) is an assessment which examined whether you have a disability/condition worthy of financial assistance for an indeterminate period of time.

A rather humiliating experience of bureaucratic hurdle-jumping and red-tape whereby despite having diagnoses and supporting evidence, you may still be rejected assistance that others can obtain easily.

Even if you are deemed as “truthful” then regular reassessment that life-long conditions such as #Autism and #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease have “altered” are inevitable.

Despite this, these are hoops that we all jump through when we need the financial aide.

In the past few years, #MentalHealthIssues have become such a problem that I am no longer to even entertain returning to a “normal” working environment without my heart racing with anxiety, and the aura of a #PanicAttack vibrating like an incoming message.

So I have no choice but to undergo the #Assessments in order to remove one of the central and unchanging reasons that cause my anxiety; money (however small)

If I can afford some counselling and receive the support I have been missing then all the better.

But first I must jump those hurdles.

#CheckInWithMe
Another week of filling in documents connected with our loans. Yes, we've managed to find a really good lawyer and somebody who's willing to help us financially with the super-high costs of the mistakes of two people with #MentalHealthIssues I thought that the moment I gave the lawyer all the documents, I wouldn't have to spend almost every day filling in even more of those. I'm too tired to read, too tired, to do my Coursera courses, too tired to even meditate for 5 minutes (I almost immediately fall asleep and wake up with the sound of the meditation gong (I've got Sam Harris's new Meditation App, WakingUp, only because I've been a supporter of his show for $1/month). My psychiatrist doesn't even bother that I need to do about my "emotion regulation". Honestly, it's as if she weren't even there.
As I've posted earlier, I know I'm an adult, but I'm also a disabled adult, yet somehow I'm responsible for Mother's treatment, our financial issues, trying to find a job from home, waiting for the results of my mammogram (extremely stressful, as the lump is definitely there).