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    Its Me Again

    Hello. I am #CheckingIn to see how everyone is doing. I hope that you are doing well. I have been doing OK. Today I got deeper into my new masters degree program. This will be my 3rd Masters degree, and most likely the last one that I will be getting. I am learning to become a mental health counselor. My #Goal for #MentalHealth is to focus on the workplace. I want to help make the workplace a more wholesome place to work. Most of the time we spend in our day is at work. Why not try to make the best of it for people?

    #god knows just what it is that I needed, and he also knows how much others need what I needed, too. I wanted a psychologist or a mental health counselor on property when I worked at #UniversalOrlando . However, I did not have one. It was hard for me to understand what was going on with my job and where the stress was coming from. I could not figure out if it was an #Internal or #external #Stress . I kept thinking that maybe it was because my father was sick... and eventually he died on March 7th, on a sunshiney monday in I.C.U room number 4. I was traumatised when he died... as I held his hand.

    I have had horrible #Insomnia , but there are nights where it is better than others. I thought that perhaps maybe another person could relate? If you can, what do you recommend when you feel the "I do not want to die," feeling as you lay down in the bed? Somehow during the day I could sleep easily even though I do not nap. But.. at #Night I do not understand what happens!

    Speak to you all soon.. and thank you for #listening .

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    What time is it

    What is the current time where you are?#Night #Upallnight #herewego #time

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    Little Poem. Up with the demons. Just hoping that light pulls me upward.

    Death is becoming,
    Death is a dream.
    Death is a moment,
    Waking up with a scream.

    Elusive for fun,
    Cryptic by nature,
    Bleeding arms out,
    Meeting thy maker.

    If I could just stop,
    Then maybe I could breathe
    But instead all that comes out
    Is a single dry heave.

    Hoping and praying
    For one ray of sun,
    If I could just get a sign
    That I won’t come undone.

    If not ever,
    Then just not tonight,
    Hold me so close,
    And push back the fright. #Night #Fear #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #BPD #Demons

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    Hobbies and mood

    Ive been drawing a TON for the last month and Im finally feeling somewhat motivated to get better at it. Its Nice to have something to do.
    Keep your Minds busy and love your beautiful hearts❤️
    #Art #ArtTherapy #depressed #Anxiety #mood #Night

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    #Night terrors

    I’m suffering! I’m avoiding going to sleep, or taking a lot of sleeping meds with muscle relaxers. I’m not an addic but I’m afraid I will get addicted. It runs in my family big time. What do you do to combat? Thinking I can win or rewriting the story isn’t working. I have all kinds of sensory things to comfort me. The trauma terrors still rage! #stop night terrors #Night terror #nightterrors

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    #Night terrors

    I’m suffering! I’m avoiding going to sleep, or taking a lot of sleeping meds with muscle relaxers. I’m not an addic but I’m afraid I will get addicted. It runs in my family big time. What do you do to combat? Thinking I can win or rewriting the story isn’t working. I have all kinds of sensory things to comfort me. The trauma terrors still rage! #stop night terrors #Night terror #nightterrors

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    Sleepless night #Night

    Cannot sleep when I leave my parents and I am 25 years what do you know I need my parents

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    #Cats #catnap #Sweet #cute #mybaby . #furfriend #Furbaby 😽

    After a long #Night of staying up - Gracie's finally hitting the sack & catching a few Zzzzzzz's......ill have to use all I have to #push myself to try to push myself to get ready for my #Psychiatric appt......man, I wish I was Gracie!!! ...She's got her run of the "house" (apartment)...&nearly #always gets her way!!!! She's got me trained well. Totally !!!!🐱😹😹😹but way a #Joy she is!!! #Love my "Gracie-Waisie"💕💕💕🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

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    OCD is Not Something People Should “Wish They Had”

    Someone told me today that OCD is a good disorder to have. Someone who has not been diagnosed with it, yet identifies as having it, told me that it is great when it comes to organizing...

    While it may be true that people with OCD have what I’d like to call “superpowers,” such as attention to detail, cleanliness, and the ability to plan ahead, I would not consider a majority of my symptoms “good.”

    I am not really orderly all the time... mainly because I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder, which leaves me either depressed or hyperfocused on specific things rather than the desire to clean or organize. My type of OCD, however, involves the constant intrusive thoughts that cause me to obsess over the smallest or most illogical things, to ruminate over theories or events that are undesirable, and to face violent forbidden thoughts that leave me watching my loved ones die in my mind. This is not at all what people think of when they hear someone say, “I have OCD.”

    Someone could say or do something small, or I could act in an embarrassing way, and for days on end the event will roll over and over in my mind, examining all possibilities and attempting to rationalize while my intrusive thoughts tell me that something is wrong.
    In other cases, I feel CERTAIN that one of my family members has died or been in a tragic, unrealistic accident due to my violent automatic visions. I cannot stop them from occurring, even though I have been learning to work around them.
    At times I find myself checking, and checking, and checking on my locks, my appliances, social media sites/emails/text messages, my pets, and my family. I catch myself turning things into compicated rituals or schedules. My better judgement knows this is only making me more stressed out and anxious, but I cannot stop that feeling that SOMETHING is wrong.

    I count. I tap. I repeat phrases or words. I need to do things a certain number of times before I feel satisfied with the results, only to want to fix it moments later. I feel the need to make everything even, no matter how inconvenient it may be...

    Lately, I have been so paranoid. I am almost convinced someone, or something, is always around the corner. Watching me, waiting to jump out. My eyes play tricks on me, and I awake to frightening hallucinations. This occurs most often during my manic episodes, but it is nonetheless an aspect of bipolar disorder with an OCD comorbidity.

    I’m afraid to sleep. I’m afraid to get up and use the bathroom. I’m afraid of the bedroom door that my cat constanly pushes open. It’s like staring into the abyss... waiting for something to happen. A night light in he corner helps me with the visial aspect, but I still cannot shake the paranoia and the certainty that something is going to happen, whether to my husband and I, or to my family.

    This is OCD. I know it’s different in every case, but this is what people DON’T see. This is not a “good” disorder to have...
    #OCD #BipolarDisorder #Paranoia #afraid #Night

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    Freedom

    In a constant battle between mind and body.

    My dreams... My capabilities... The capabilities of my illness....

    #Late #Night #Thoughts #ME #warrior #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #Anxiety #Depression