Someone told me today that OCD is a good disorder to have. Someone who has not been diagnosed with it, yet identifies as having it, told me that it is great when it comes to organizing...
While it may be true that people with OCD have what I’d like to call “superpowers,” such as attention to detail, cleanliness, and the ability to plan ahead, I would not consider a majority of my symptoms “good.”
I am not really orderly all the time... mainly because I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder, which leaves me either depressed or hyperfocused on specific things rather than the desire to clean or organize. My type of OCD, however, involves the constant intrusive thoughts that cause me to obsess over the smallest or most illogical things, to ruminate over theories or events that are undesirable, and to face violent forbidden thoughts that leave me watching my loved ones die in my mind. This is not at all what people think of when they hear someone say, “I have OCD.”
Someone could say or do something small, or I could act in an embarrassing way, and for days on end the event will roll over and over in my mind, examining all possibilities and attempting to rationalize while my intrusive thoughts tell me that something is wrong.
In other cases, I feel CERTAIN that one of my family members has died or been in a tragic, unrealistic accident due to my violent automatic visions. I cannot stop them from occurring, even though I have been learning to work around them.
At times I find myself checking, and checking, and checking on my locks, my appliances, social media sites/emails/text messages, my pets, and my family. I catch myself turning things into compicated rituals or schedules. My better judgement knows this is only making me more stressed out and anxious, but I cannot stop that feeling that SOMETHING is wrong.
I count. I tap. I repeat phrases or words. I need to do things a certain number of times before I feel satisfied with the results, only to want to fix it moments later. I feel the need to make everything even, no matter how inconvenient it may be...
Lately, I have been so paranoid. I am almost convinced someone, or something, is always around the corner. Watching me, waiting to jump out. My eyes play tricks on me, and I awake to frightening hallucinations. This occurs most often during my manic episodes, but it is nonetheless an aspect of bipolar disorder with an OCD comorbidity.
I’m afraid to sleep. I’m afraid to get up and use the bathroom. I’m afraid of the bedroom door that my cat constanly pushes open. It’s like staring into the abyss... waiting for something to happen. A night light in he corner helps me with the visial aspect, but I still cannot shake the paranoia and the certainty that something is going to happen, whether to my husband and I, or to my family.
This is OCD. I know it’s different in every case, but this is what people DON’T see. This is not a “good” disorder to have...
#OCD #BipolarDisorder #Paranoia #afraid #Night
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